JOY in the journey

love this wall vinyl from Denise. Thank you, sweet girl! It's right by my scrapbook desk.

sweet scrapbook paper that reminds me of my son. wish he was here. I wonder if his hair would've laid down eventually. I want to sniff his baby head so badly.

Jamie got this beautiful picture for us. shedding fresh tears of gratefulness. As she pointed out, if Sully and Jack had lived, we wouldn't know each other. yes, we want our boys here but we thank the Lord for putting us together.  Thank you, Jamie, for this touching picture. seeing his name makes him seem "legitimate". He was here, he was prayed for, he was wanted and we love him.

Well, Happy Monday to YOU! If your Monday was as rainy and dreary as ours, then Happy may not be the most fitting word. Choosing JOY is a bit harder when the weather bites.

As you know, our van was broken into on Thanksgiving (grrrr!). I called our credit card people and the very nice rep asked me if I wanted to change the look of my card, that they have over 1,000 styles available to choose from...I told her to pick one for me, "surprise me" i told her.

I got my card today.

it has a butterfly on it.

coincidence?

I don't think so.

I think the Lord cares about me enough to send me little reminders that He loves me and that HE alone is in control of things. yeah, bad things happen to reasonably good people...and He uses these situations and seemingly bad things to draw us to Him. I'm being drawn. I don't want to live outside of His plan.

In other van breaking into news...David discovered on Saturday night that the thieves/creepers/jerks did in fact pop our lock. It's not noticeable, especially since we use a remote to open and close the Ol' Grey Mare. Doesn't that just make your skin crawl? yeah, mine too.

Christmas decos are going up slowly...I can't seem to move very quickly, as I stained the entire pool deck on Saturday (bent in half, mind you) and I can hardly move my limbs. Sorry about skipping out on you for an early morning rainy Monday walk, Tashena. I may be able to walk by week's end. but it's doubtful. ha ha.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for taking #1, #3, #4 and #5 home for me tonight....I love you.

Levi stepped on a sewing needle tonight. It was gruesome. He doesn't cope well with stabbing.

Ok, I'm going to take my scattered brain and go put more lights on ye old tree. Hope this finds you warm and snuggly...maybe listening to some Nat King Cole singing about chestnuts and JACK frost...like I am.

Good night and God bless you!

nineteen

I think when they measured Jack at Community South, they gave him an extra inch because of his amazing hair.

Sweet boy, I miss you more than words can say but you know that.

I found the audio clip I took of your heartbeat at my January appt with MH yesterday and admittedly, I sat and bawled. Such a great, strong, alive heartbeat. I bet you didn't have your knot at that point. I think you must've gotten it around the time I really started to feel fear, deep to my bones and very inner soul. I think that started in February. I wonder if God will tell me, when I get to heaven, what day that was. Questions of a momma's heart...

I can't believe that I didn't think to take clothing to the hospital for you...but so thankful that the caring nurses there put you in some clothes.

I want to put my finger in your hand and have you clasp your sweet little fingers around it. You'd be 4 and a half months old now...close to sitting up, definitely rolling over, and getting very excited and smiley when any of your big sibs came into view.

I feel sorta gypped by that today. :(

While visiting with my friend, Jen and her family the other day, I realized this. Her sweet baby girl, Leemarie (your intended wife) is almost 8 months old. When any of the big brothers or sisters came into her line of vision, she'd light up. She is precious. I had a nice little moment imagining what your face would be like when Levi would pretend that you were kicking him and falling over...belly laughs. Or when Molly would tickle you under your neck or when any of the 3 big ones would come and swoop you out of my arms...we will never know this side of heaven. raw.

I do that a lot. imagine.

Hope Thursday is good to you, sweet lamb. I can't wait to see you someday. (I'm in no hurry, my living children)
And to whoever reads this. God bless you this day...

Praising Him in this storm.
Will, Ethan, Melanie, Levi, Molly and Jack's mom,
Laurie

Friends from far away and memorials

Becky with sweet Grace

Soooo great to see you after all these years, Shellee. Such a comfort and encouragement you've been to me, even from across the globe. Please pray for this dear one and her sweet baby girl, Grace, who is pictured above with my sister...as they fly back to Japan next week.

I didn't expect to see this today but what a ?pleasant? surprise. as far as surprises go...and all. I mean, I'm still pretty surprised that my baby isn't here. the ultimate surprise.

Today was a wonderful day...I woke up early (for me) and headed to Sbux to meet Shellee, Grace (her first daughter after 8 strapping, handsome young men), Denise, her beautiful kids, Levi and Ema. The effort that was made for that meeting was not of this world. Shellee, you may not read this for a time but seeing you was just amazing, such comfort and joy to me to get to see you after all these years. So glad to get to hug you and meet your beautiful baby girl! Denise, thank you so much for facilitating the get together....you two have been such a blessing to me anyways, but in the past few months, since Jack left, your encouraging words and prayers have held me up. God is good. all the time. We will be praying for safety for you and Grace as you head back to your men.

I was out running errands and thought, "Hmmm, since it is such a lovely day and it's been so poopy outside all week, I shall go visit Jack's grave." As I walked up the hill to his site, tears hit, as they do...and then it hit me...his stone and bronze plaque are here!! After a few moments of tears and prayers, I cleaned up his spot and headed to the Forest Lawn office to retrieve his temporary marker. I was so excited to get to put it in JOY's garden.

They can't find it.

what?

Jay, the guy that helped us on that July 1 day...told me he'd order a replacement. Somehow that didn't console me like it maybe should have. He said he'd look thru the 200 stones in their garage and let me know but a new one is on order.

nothing like a punch in the gut, ya know? it's bad enough my little guy isn't here, could you at least make sure you hang onto our temporary for us? and hey, maybe even call us to tell us his official stone was in? yeah, no call.

I'm trying not to be peeved about this because in the whole scheme of my life, this is small.

it really just makes me chuckle.
because if I don't chuckle, I will cry again.

Thanks Mom, Dad, Jen, for coming down to sit with me Wed. night.
Thanks to all of my people, all around me, who find ways to pray, encourage, remember JOY, find things that say JOY on them and just plain ol' loving me and letting me talk about my sweet boy and the situation that has changed my life forever, and the lives of Jack's dad, and siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and relatives and friends.

I have soooo many thank you notes to write. I've gotten started and I just want all of the people that fed us, sent us remembrances etc in the past few months, to know just how much we love and appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I am still blown away.

praising God for the gift of people.

Happy Weekend to You!!

JOY earrings...

I know it's hard to see the tiny pictures, maybe you can click on it and it will enlarge it.

So I'm getting all crafty yo and making JOY earrings. I love David's silhouette in the background. Mr. Elliptical Man.




Happy, gushy Monday to you. I love all this rain. On Monday. with a torn up driveway that gushes mud all. over. the. place. but enough about that. I will blog those pix in a minute.

Today would have been Sullivan R's first birthday. I spent a good portion of my day praying, crying and thinking of my friend, Jamie, his momma.  As I said on yesterday's post, I can't tell you if I've ever officially met her in person. I know her sister, Sandy, and cousin, Stephanie. I went to the same church as her for about 8 months. We connected on Facebook because of our losses. Sweet Sully met Jesus on Jan 11, 2011 and Sweet Jack met Jesus on June 30, 2011.  I am really looking forward to meeting up with her tomorrow, giving her a big ol' hug and just listening to her talk of her angel boy. I think we are meeting downtown and will either take in sights at the zoo or the canal. I hear the weather is supposed to be favorable.

In 10 days, it will be the 3 month mark. Looking at the pix, which I see here and there daily, brings the pain of this loss to the surface daily. I want to know what his eyes look like. I bet they would've been beauties just like Molly's (and Will's, Ethan's, Melanie's, and Levi's).

that is one of the facts that haunts me. I'm sure they were open that very day...I'd like to think he was looking around as they say babies do in utero...in anticipation of finally meeting us face to face. So close.

and then I start floating.

On FB tonight, my status update read something like this...didn't Gerber, Pampers, Enfamil and all these local photographers get the memo that my baby did not make it? I got an envelope today. It looked kind of important, maybe like it had $1,000 in it. Yeah, no...it was a 3 page, really nice add from a Bloomington photog guy, offering me a newborn photo shoot for my new baby. Where did he get my address? If I hadn't been feeling so sorry for myself, I'd have felt horrible for tossing the nice presentation he sent. Sorry Kip May...I'm sure you do a wonderful job capturing all those beautiful new moments. And I may have even given you a chance, if Jack was here.

so, tonight, whatever you are doing, send up a prayer for hurting momma's and daddy's like Jamie, like David and I, like others that I won't mention. We could really use the peace that passes all understanding. I know Jamie would appreciate it.

And maybe someday, these posts will make some sense. Until they do, thanks so much for your patience and for coming around 

Finding JOY in the Unexpected...

I got this necklace from my friend, Ewa (pronounced Eh-vah), who is from Poland. She goes to Calvary Chapel with us. Her husband, Jason, is our worship leader. He played guitar at Jack's Celebration. They have 3 beautiful homeschooled kids. I love them. She presented me with this beauty on Sunday.

She was a little worried because it is a necklace that she's worn faithfully for a few years now. She thought I'd think it was weird to give me a "hand-me-down". Oh Contrar (how DO you spell that??)...I was speechless. Still kinda am. Thank you, so much, Ewa. I just love it.

I get a welling in my gut when I think on Jack's initials, the attribute that we prayed God would bring us with Jack's life. And all the kind things people do for us to show us they too are seeking JOY and remembering how special it is to have JOY and just how important Jack's life was.

I stand in awe.

A title would be nice here...

Jack pillow.

a precious wall hanging.

my new journal. How many of you journal regularly? I know I do.
I have, almost regularly, since David and I got married. It's fun to read thru the ones from 1994, when my handwriting was still pretty nice. Then kids came along and it went down hill. :)
If you don't journal, you should start now. I know my kids will appreciate reading thru them when I'm gone.
Just keepin' it real.

Good Saturday morning!
I'm going to grumble for just a minute.
I love fall, autumn, chilly days.
and even some clouds now and again.
But seven straight days of it?

ok, I'm done now.

I will choose JOY in the midst of it.

I am very frustrated. At this time last year, we had been praying that the Lord would close or open the door on one last baby for our family.
He obviously sorta opened it.
And then closed it.
it is hard to come to grips with a chapter of one's life closing.
(I can't believe I'm not taking care of Jack...what I'd give to snuggle him, smell his amazing head and breath...ahhhhhh)

This is where I find my identity and have for almost the last 17 years, since Will arrived on the scene. I know, essentially, that being a mother is just ONE of my roles.

When you live and breathe babies, kids, tweens, teens for so long, I guess it's not hard to do that. (find identity there, that is)

I am still mom to Will Franklin, Ethan James, Melanie Kate, Levi Taylor, Molly Christine, and sweet angel Jack Oliver. Always will be.

What will become of me when they all go and get their own lives? I hope they will include me and David. I want to be a loving, Godly grandparent.

I wonder if I should go to college? What would I even go to college for? I'm really good at bum wiping, nose wiping, fight breaking up, facebooking, blogging, laundry, scrapbooking but I don't know that there is a degree for those mad "skills" ya know?

so that is where I'm at today...in between thoughts of cleaning, sweet Jack, sick kids, what should I do? I think the Lord might be taking me to the "next level".

Whatever that may be.


Let me leave you with this, as a friend on Facebook so creatively shared with me...
Just A Child of the King.
Jack's name makes an amazing acronym!

Let's not forget that that is our best role and most eternal.
God bless you today.

faces of loss, faces of HOPE

I submitted my abbreviated story to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope last week and they put it up yesterday....

facesofloss.com

no, it's not faces o' floss, as it looks...haha.

Click the link above and scroll down a few ladies...I'm there. I guess if I'd realized they'd actually post my story, I would've maybe gotten more detailed or put some Scripture with it but all in all, I'm so glad it's there. Check it out!!

I put my miscarriage that happened in 2006 on there because honestly, when I get to heaven and meet the kid (see the book "Heaven is for Real"), I didn't want him/her to be mad that I didn't count him. We named him because that made him seem more real. Which he was, but I lost him at 12 weeks. He counted...he was real. Plus, having that miscarriage, as I wrote, really did help me to cherish my pregnancy with Molly so very much.

On to a busy Thursday...tally ho!

two months ago...

this sweet baby boy left us for life eternal.

still

can't

grasp

this

He'd be two months old today...bright eyed, smiling, chubbalicious, I just know it. (look at those cheeks up above!!)

thanks for your thoughts and prayers on this two month date...I can tell I'm going to need them.

I know Jack is in a wonderful place, with angels singing, worshipping the Lord and I'm so happy for him...doesn't change the fact, for I'm a human mother, that I long to have him here...in time, I know this will fade. But it hasn't yet...thank you for letting me voice that. I'm still grieving...I will always be grieving. That is not a bad thing...it's just the way it is.

Job 13:15a Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him...

some days are better than others...

I'm working on a way to always have a little charm of Jack with me, so I can look at it when I need to, show someone without overwhelming them with a gigantic pic of my sweet angel boy. I am also working on, and hoping to have a sterling silver JOY bracelet made up soon. I will post when it's done.

Jack's grave last week...

There is a page for each kid, and this one, which has a pic of our family and one of Jack in the pocket...such a cute idea.

she wrote me a letter, which is safely tucked away in the pockety part of the lunch bag book.

the cover of Mel's gift to me...lunch bag book...held together with sock monkey ribbon.

Hi there. It's hot today. Our septic tank is backing up. Kids are busy,busy, busy with their school work and I'm stuck in a rut of sadness.

I put on a normal face but he's always there. From the book I'm reading, called "They Were Still Born", this is just the way it's always going to be. I like this book because 1.) The title implies that he was STILL born, even if he died...and 2.) It's chock full of essays written by people, men and women, that lost their baby before birth. Some lost their babies days before, knowing that they would deliver a still child and some, like me, thought that they were delivering an alive child only to be smacked in the face with the reality that our babies had died. I still can't believe it. I'm really struggling with this today, really missing that little fella. It's 8 weeks tomorrow...life goes on, right?

Yup. septic tanks back up, bills get paid, kids need to be run here, there, hither and yon and I still wish my baby boy was here. That will never change. Life does go on, God is still good, I still trust His Son, Jesus Christ, but my family is missing someone. This is my story...

Had a good, unexpected cry driving up 37 today...the close your eyes while you drive, uh oh, kind...then while making salsa because I kept thinking about all the salsa I ate while I was carrying Jack, and the thoughts that would run thru my head..."Ohhh, such good baby growing food I'm eating today...this boy will love salsa"!

Ok, well, just so ya know, that's where I'm at. missing our baby, loving and enjoying my living children to the best of my ability...cherish.

Hope you are doing well! Thanks for stopping by, thanks for praying, thanks for thinking of me, dropping me notes, sending things, crying with me. Means the world to me.

coping with grief

so perfect...just can't fathom this loss. even still.

how many times in one day can I replay this scene over in my head??

Hi.

How are you?

I'm not gonna lie...I've had better days. not that any one thing happened to make this day horrible. I worked in Jack's garden, trying to get the plants from Mary Helen and Tammy into the ground...and I find that it's a good time to just reflect, pray, and cry a lot. It's very healing.

it's just all the remembering, replaying, beating myself up for not "listening" to my maternal instincts, God's preparing me for what was coming...

Whatever it is, or was, I'm in this phase now...grieving mother.

After searching other blogs out, blogs by women, mostly, who have lost babies thru stillbirth or sometime in infancy, I find that I'm quite "normal". whatever that is. I didn't think I was normal before Jack's birth so I'm even less now.

How I'm coping with grief:

1.) I want to talk about Jack. If it's the first time I've seen you since we lost him, and you don't ask what happened or acknowledge him, I will be sad. more for you than for me. but still sad. He was real, he was here, we were excited, he is still a part of our family. Our family chain is broken and will be re-linked when we meet up with Jack Oliver Young in heaven.

I do appreciate prayers and I know David and the kids do too...just when I think I'm doing ok, a wave of sorrow (daily) hits me. it's honestly the weirdest place to be. I sob while I push-mow the yard. I find it's really cleansing...I'm sweating anyways so I might as well bawl and wail. so keep the prayers coming...I wail while I drive. It's sorta unsafe.

2.) If you don't know what to say, that's ok, just give me a hug. When you act like things are as they were before my life changed forever, I will not know how to deal with that. The woman who weighed me at Weight Watchers last night, who knew me because I look just like Becky (who goes to WW with me and she told this lady about JOY) even said she was sorry and hugged me. I don't expect you to know what to say...say his name..I love it. Hugs are welcomed.

3.) I do know where Jack is and while that is extremely comforting, I'd like him to be here. I'm ok with people saying that to me because at least they are saying something.

I am only human. What they say is true, my arms do ache for him. I have images of Jack that I carry with me and they all contain vivid pictures of that wild hair and that Molly face and mouth. I imagine little wings and those long, curled up feet that were so like Levi's. (go to YouTube and enter Chris Rice's song "Spare an Angel" or another CR tune "Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)). I am not hopeless...

I still can't believe that this has happened to our family. I wouldn't say that I'm angry but everything is not OK, hunky dory. I still yell at my living kids. I get aggravated with them, even still. Overall, I'm just so thankful for them...let me tell a story about my eldest son...Will Franklin Young:

Picture this: I'm at a family reunion this past weekend. At this point, no one had even acknowledged Jack or the horrible loss of him, which I know folks think I may not want to talk about it (see above)...and that's ok. (I've come to grips with the fact that people just don't know what to say, how to respond or if I'd want to talk about Jack Oliver Young)

We had taken our travel trailer to said reunion with us, as the plan was, so I'd have a place to take JOY for naps, or nursing whatever. so that, in and of itself made me sad because I didn't have that sweet boy in my arms. I retreated to the trailer because I could feel a big ol' sob coming. I sat in there and wailed. Will came in to get his suit on for slip n slide fun. I tried to act like I wasn't just weeping but he knew so he sat down with me, talked with me, asked if he could PRAY WITH ME.

We held hands, closed our eyes, and after a delay, I looked up because he hadn't started yet. He was crying...We stood up in the middle of that tight trailer and hugged. He had to, of course, lean down to hug me because I'm about 6" shorter than him now. After we got a hold of ourselves, he prayed with me. Held my hand, talked more with me...helped me process the things that were going thru my head...he is so patient (as are Ethan and Mel, it just happened that Will was the one that walked in. All 3 big kids have been so gracious to let me vent, cry, talk, weep, question).

Can I just say that it's a pretty cool thing to have something like the above happen? Makes all the years of being at home with kids so worth it. If that's you, you are home with littles, and it seems like it will last forever, it won't. suck it up and praise the Lord for the ability to mother your children.

Forgive the jumble...I am honestly a scatterbrained goof right now (right now, you say?). If I don't write something down, it's as good as gone. Thank you for letting me process here on this blog.

Finally, I thank the Lord for the things He is bringing to my attention. I am unsure of the ministry He has in store for my family and I but I have a pretty good idea that it will include helping grieving people in some way...then again, I could be totally wrong there. All I know is that we are open to whatever it is that He has for us.

Hug your kids, spend time with them that you don't think you have. They are worth it. (I'm saying this to myself JUST as much) Hug them, sniff them, let them know that you are so glad to have 'em. Gotta go sort all of this out...

Will Franklin

Ethan James

Melanie Kate

Levi Taylor

Molly Christine

Jack Oliver

Come to Jesus, and live.

JOY comes in the morning

front and back of Jack's bookmark. Let me know if you would like one...

I'm mush...

That part of grief where "they" say the griever is scatterbrained is where I am at. (among other emotions that flare up at the strangest times...)

I've replaced sleepless nights, up with a baby, with pure ditziness. If you know me, you know I can have ditzy moments but this is at a new level.

So, happy Monday...I hope to be blogging again soon.

songs of joy...

saw this on a blog I follow...

love it. good night.

JOY's Butterfly Garden beginnings...

the frozen placenta at the bottom of freshly dug hole...it looks creepy but it was Jack's house for 9 months...it was so cool yet sad to see his cord, the very cord (it's at the bottom of the pic) that ended his sweet life. The tradition is to plant the placenta under a tree to honor the life that it housed. it makes for some nutrient-rich soil, I'm guessing.

it's so cool that God created an organ that our womanly bodies make during pregnancy to protect our babies.

In this picture, Molly asked me if that was my blood. I said yes, it was. She replied, "Gross" and then proceeded to tell me about the FOUR babies in her tummy.

I'm sure I've blogged about this lovely butterfly bush...but just in case I haven't, here goes:

My good friend, Tammy, was on her way to Jack's birth. She wanted to get some flowers for me for after it was all over. But then she saw this awesome bush as she pulled into Home Depot. She nabbed it and headed down to our house...sweet woman. As she pulled into our neighborhood, she was overcome by the Spirit to pray for me, for us.

As she made her way down my street, she came upon the Harrison Township fire truck...

This angel baby, aww, I love it...is from my Uncle Frank and Aunt Nan, Uncle John and Aunt Darlene (my Dad's sibs and their spouses). They brought him, along with two miniature yellow rose bushes, which will join Butterfly Bush this week. I also have a neat JOY garden rock that we got from our friend, Mary (who is also our neighbor and goes to C4 with us).

I think this garden will be a really nice reminder of our little Glory Baby...it is a work in progress and a labor of love.

yeah, I'd rather have him here but since I can't, we will honor his life with this lovely little plot of earth that we will all tend together.

I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head tonight. it has been especially challenging to make it thru this day. I keep thinking of what JOY would be doing if he was here...he'd be one month old now. I look thru the pix of the night he died and his viewing and my body just aches for that little guy. I know we all do...I don't feel selfish wanting him here but I know he is in an incredible place...He wouldn't want to come back. Can't blame him. it's hot here. we're crabby, getting ready for school things and work and such. He would have been such a nice diversion from the monotony of life.

I miss you, Jack. I want so badly to sniff your sweet peanut head and nibble your toes. Your breath, I'm sure, would be heavenly.

Godspeed.

4 weeks ago today...

This painting is called "Prince of Peace" by a young girl named Akiane. it appears in the book I just finished reading called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. I highly recommend this read...and I really like this picture of Jesus Christ.

Jack's temporary name marker...this will go into our Jack Oliver Young Butterfly garden that I'm working on...I really wish they'd put his June 30th date on this as well...

I know I'm long overdue to blog about what happened on June 30, 2011...to let you know, exactly how it came to be that Jack Oliver Young is not on this earth with us but is with his Heavenly Father...but I think I will have to do this slowly...it's pretty overwhelming.

In the respect that it was such a casual day...just laboring around, mowing lawn, taking a walk, seeing my neighbors, floating around in the pool...that was how the day was. I was in contact with my midwife on and off all day. Labor seemed to stall, so to speak, slow down, whatever. If you know me, you know that I have had 5 uncomplicated, textbook natural deliveries...4 of which had been at home with a midwife, Molly's (#5) taking place at the Nurse Midwives Birth Center, though I could've had her at home, or in the car....needless to say...there were no signs that there was any trouble or cessation of life in our 4th son. I felt him that early afternoon after mowing the lawn to help labor along.

Becky came down and David, the kids and I swam on and off, ate lunch, swam some more, timed contractions...which was weird because they were not painful. just slightly uncomfy, which was not the case with any of my other labors. so of course, I would not have made haste to get midwife there any sooner. Or if I was having a hospital birth, I wouldn't have even been there yet, that is how low key the labor seemed to be going. I figured it'd be later that night..

At 4 p.m. or so, Beck left and I came in to shower, get dressed and such. We'd been on the phone with midwife around this time, asking her to come check and hope that something would get going with an exam. Once I got inside, the labor kick started and boom...off we went...We then touched base with her again, saying that we definitely needed her to get here, since transition came on without warning. I labored in the garden tub and became very, very scared, nervous, freaked out...I'd been a bit more apprehensive this time around, not because of any signs with Jack or the midwife...just general anxiety. In reading back thru my journal of the past 10 months, I mentioned this a lot, even going so far as to say back in March that I "really hope you aren't tangling yourself up in your cord..." I was very scared for delivery...even though I've made it thru 5 times before with no trouble...

Ahhh, MH showed up, I writhed in pain and felt the urge to push...in her calm, confident way, she said "Go with it..." Push...

David looked into the tub to see what happened and uh oh...that doesn't look like a head...She checked and yelled for someone to call 911!! Instant fear...what is it? (still thinking in my head that things were going to be ok, even if they weren't right now...)

That's the cord, Laurie, you've got to get this baby out NOW! legs shoved back, my head smashing into who knows what, and MH trying to hold cord up inside of me....prolapsed cord, not good...

Jack Oliver Young came out in less than two minutes...up on my chest. limp. I can still feel his little body on me and it makes me shudder to recall it. I have always loved that feeling, when you get to the end of a pregnancy, go thru labor and it hurts but the end prize is that little body being put on your chest and crying and nothing hurts anymore and all you feel is LOVE. I felt it..I loved that boy...I love that boy.

oooh, look, a true knot, six inches down from his belly...two accidents of birth...one, you could maybe survive but not two...it was like a double whammy.

No life...but we hoped. I played with his sweet little feet, MH got the oxygen on him and Summer (assistant) began chest compressions.

All the while...I'm up above the room, observing this hellish scene...feeling so bad for the people that are living thru this obvious sadness...not believing that this kind of thing happens. out of body experience for sure...

I was yelling "C'mon Jack...you can do it...breeeeathe" ....I kept looking down at his little face, so cute, such a chubby little David chin and at his amazing hair...little tufts of cuteness and I even thought..."Well, good...all of that horrible heart burn was NOT in vain..." at his hands and long feet and toes...perfect in every way...he had David and Will's slender build...

I remember vividly looking up into MH's eyes and they were wide open...and she was shaking her head NO....to me or to herself, I don't know...

Paramedics from Waverly Volunteer Fire Dept. arrived and knew nothing...took up space...

a few minutes later, the real paramedic arrived and took sweet Jack from us. David went with them, holding out hope that he'd take a breath. so many thoughts run thru my head of how that could've gone.

I'm still trying to make sense of what happened. And that it happened at all. There was NO negligence on anyone's part...I had full prenatal care with one of the most caring midwives around, took care of myself just as I have with my other children...If anyone out there wants to slam home-birth and midwifery care, just look up the statistics. (the very day before, remember, I had my last prenatal and she listened to his heart for 15 minutes and it was strong and steady...and remember, he moved away from her hand on examination...he was very alive!!)

don't even go there.

not with me...I stand behind the midwifery model of care and hope my daughters and sons' wives will choose to deliver their children this same way...As David so eloquently put it, he'd made a decision while standing outside of the bathroom, listening to the paramedic do the chest compressions, not to question me (Laurie), our midwife, God or himself. We went down a path that we'd gone down before...life is risky. life is fragile.

Midwives got me cleaned up and out to the living room. David called after a bit to say that Jack was pronounced dead at 6:41 p.m. Just could not believe it...there is NO way that our baby did not make it. Jack was born straight into Jesus' arms. He is considered stillborn, even though I felt him moving in my womb that VERY day...how is one supposed to process this?

I don't question God...but I have had moments of anger...and questioning. but I always come back around to the good things...Jack will never get stung by a wasp, as Levi did so violently today. He will never get bullied, or have the flu, or have to deal with me when I'm cranky. Heaven knows he dealt with that enough while cradled in my womb...He is with the Lord, being loved on by Him, and my relatives and friends that have gone on before. I really hope that he is even getting to hear Keith Green sing praises, alongside Rich Mullins.

Ok, back to the story....Becky, Melanie, Tammy, Uncle John, Aunt Sherry, Will, Molly and Levi began our sad trek to Community South Hospital (David had gone in ambulance, Ethan and my Mom left before us to be there with David. My Dad was home, not feeling well, Tom was in California with Andy)...I will continue this later...I am thankful for the people that took such incredible care of us there...but that will be the next installment. thank you for continuing to pray for us. Settling into the "new normal" is very challenging. I'm not ok but I am. We so appreciate the meals, cards, care, prayers...I know that the prayers and petitions of brothers and sisters in Christ is doing wonders...I love you.

Babyland

The tent is over Jack's spot.

as always, out of order...obviously, the pic below should be first. Sending balloons heavenward...

Jack's resting place is at Forest Lawn Memorial Gardens on SR 135, south of Olive Branch Road, Greenwood, Indiana. He's in a sad yet sweet little place called Babyland. He's resting to the left of the statute of Jesus with the lamb when you view the picture of this place.

He's even next to another little boy, named Jack, who passed away 9 days before him.

I have also met another mommy who has placed her sweet daughter in Babyland, via Facebook.

I have many more pix to share but the lawn is jungley so off I go to mow before it gets too hot.

Celebration of JOY

sweet Jack the Bear's feet...too precious to touch the earth (in the words of Shani W) love it. miss 'em. bad.

Jason B. led us in some worship...beautiful.

so many people to thank...it will be my part time job for the next few months...or even a year.

some of the 182 people that joined us, in person, for Jack's Celebration last Saturday. Many more people expressed desire to be with us but with busy summers or long miles, they couldn't be with us physically but the prayers were felt...all the way from Japan, the Philippines, California, New York City etc. Thank you, guys. amazing....

I am

so

behind.

So many things I could type here...and I'm just at a total loss. I need to turn my head off.

But it's nighttime. Nighttime is the worst right now (Hello Melatonin!!) David and I aren't sleeping well and I usually end up sobbing myself to sleep. I'm at the denial/searching phase of grief. Numbness and shock have worn off. mostly. no, not really...

I know where Jack is. I rest in that. I have a hope that I will see him again. I thank the Lord that He has my/our son/brother/nephew/grandson/cutie pie safely with Him in Glory.

But I want him here. and that is part of grieving. You (I'm talking to no one in particular) need to let me want him to be here. and I need to be able to cry, vent, talk, weep, say things like "the last time I was here at ______, I was pregnant, or I had Jack in my tummy...." whatever.

I'm just in a weird place. somewhere I've never been before and these waters are choppy and so unpredictable. Thank you for letting me grieve. Thank you for letting me talk about my sweet wild haired 7 and a half pound boy. Thank you for letting me put pix of him up on here. Thank you for hugging me and helping me out. Thank you for ministering to my family.

I miss him so very much. It hurts deeper than I ever, ever imagined it would.

"Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know He is our Father. Come rest your head upon His breast, listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love, beating for His little ones, calling each of us to come....Be still, be still"

This will be a tear jerking post...

no words...

shock. dreamlike trance...this really did not just happen. why? what? who?.....

little peanut head

Levi's face says it all...

My sister has had almost as hard of a time as I have with this...I mean, the girl did suffer pregnancy symptoms right along with me...and what an aunt she is. Jack, you would have loved your crazy Aunt Becky...I mean it.

This is Tambo...she was also so ready for this little fella to get here...this picture breaks my heart. to pieces.

Levi was just not sure what to think. Molly was checking him out, holding him, messing with his hair. It was so sweet. Grandma was also ready for a newbie to welcome under her wings...

sweet little look a likes.

I feel so bad for Mel...she was so ready to be this little guy's big sister.

such great big brothers you have Jack! Levi didn't want to hold him but he didn't want to be too far away from him either...

and another great big bro...

I'm pretty sure that I was hovering above the room at this moment...still, 2 weeks later, it just doesn't seem possible that this actually took place.

our friends, and family laid hands on us and prayed for us...another surreal moment and so appreciative of the loving support from all of these people and others. I just don't think we could've made it this far without them.

I am truly honored to have carried Jack for nearly 41 weeks. What a sweet little guy. I wanted to share some more of June 30, 2011...a day that I will never ever forget. My family will never be the same. We have an empty space. We all pine for that precious little newborn to be here with us. But we will rest in the knowledge that he is being held by Jesus Christ.