4 weeks ago today...

This painting is called "Prince of Peace" by a young girl named Akiane. it appears in the book I just finished reading called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. I highly recommend this read...and I really like this picture of Jesus Christ.

Jack's temporary name marker...this will go into our Jack Oliver Young Butterfly garden that I'm working on...I really wish they'd put his June 30th date on this as well...

I know I'm long overdue to blog about what happened on June 30, 2011...to let you know, exactly how it came to be that Jack Oliver Young is not on this earth with us but is with his Heavenly Father...but I think I will have to do this slowly...it's pretty overwhelming.

In the respect that it was such a casual day...just laboring around, mowing lawn, taking a walk, seeing my neighbors, floating around in the pool...that was how the day was. I was in contact with my midwife on and off all day. Labor seemed to stall, so to speak, slow down, whatever. If you know me, you know that I have had 5 uncomplicated, textbook natural deliveries...4 of which had been at home with a midwife, Molly's (#5) taking place at the Nurse Midwives Birth Center, though I could've had her at home, or in the car....needless to say...there were no signs that there was any trouble or cessation of life in our 4th son. I felt him that early afternoon after mowing the lawn to help labor along.

Becky came down and David, the kids and I swam on and off, ate lunch, swam some more, timed contractions...which was weird because they were not painful. just slightly uncomfy, which was not the case with any of my other labors. so of course, I would not have made haste to get midwife there any sooner. Or if I was having a hospital birth, I wouldn't have even been there yet, that is how low key the labor seemed to be going. I figured it'd be later that night..

At 4 p.m. or so, Beck left and I came in to shower, get dressed and such. We'd been on the phone with midwife around this time, asking her to come check and hope that something would get going with an exam. Once I got inside, the labor kick started and boom...off we went...We then touched base with her again, saying that we definitely needed her to get here, since transition came on without warning. I labored in the garden tub and became very, very scared, nervous, freaked out...I'd been a bit more apprehensive this time around, not because of any signs with Jack or the midwife...just general anxiety. In reading back thru my journal of the past 10 months, I mentioned this a lot, even going so far as to say back in March that I "really hope you aren't tangling yourself up in your cord..." I was very scared for delivery...even though I've made it thru 5 times before with no trouble...

Ahhh, MH showed up, I writhed in pain and felt the urge to push...in her calm, confident way, she said "Go with it..." Push...

David looked into the tub to see what happened and uh oh...that doesn't look like a head...She checked and yelled for someone to call 911!! Instant fear...what is it? (still thinking in my head that things were going to be ok, even if they weren't right now...)

That's the cord, Laurie, you've got to get this baby out NOW! legs shoved back, my head smashing into who knows what, and MH trying to hold cord up inside of me....prolapsed cord, not good...

Jack Oliver Young came out in less than two minutes...up on my chest. limp. I can still feel his little body on me and it makes me shudder to recall it. I have always loved that feeling, when you get to the end of a pregnancy, go thru labor and it hurts but the end prize is that little body being put on your chest and crying and nothing hurts anymore and all you feel is LOVE. I felt it..I loved that boy...I love that boy.

oooh, look, a true knot, six inches down from his belly...two accidents of birth...one, you could maybe survive but not two...it was like a double whammy.

No life...but we hoped. I played with his sweet little feet, MH got the oxygen on him and Summer (assistant) began chest compressions.

All the while...I'm up above the room, observing this hellish scene...feeling so bad for the people that are living thru this obvious sadness...not believing that this kind of thing happens. out of body experience for sure...

I was yelling "C'mon Jack...you can do it...breeeeathe" ....I kept looking down at his little face, so cute, such a chubby little David chin and at his amazing hair...little tufts of cuteness and I even thought..."Well, good...all of that horrible heart burn was NOT in vain..." at his hands and long feet and toes...perfect in every way...he had David and Will's slender build...

I remember vividly looking up into MH's eyes and they were wide open...and she was shaking her head NO....to me or to herself, I don't know...

Paramedics from Waverly Volunteer Fire Dept. arrived and knew nothing...took up space...

a few minutes later, the real paramedic arrived and took sweet Jack from us. David went with them, holding out hope that he'd take a breath. so many thoughts run thru my head of how that could've gone.

I'm still trying to make sense of what happened. And that it happened at all. There was NO negligence on anyone's part...I had full prenatal care with one of the most caring midwives around, took care of myself just as I have with my other children...If anyone out there wants to slam home-birth and midwifery care, just look up the statistics. (the very day before, remember, I had my last prenatal and she listened to his heart for 15 minutes and it was strong and steady...and remember, he moved away from her hand on examination...he was very alive!!)

don't even go there.

not with me...I stand behind the midwifery model of care and hope my daughters and sons' wives will choose to deliver their children this same way...As David so eloquently put it, he'd made a decision while standing outside of the bathroom, listening to the paramedic do the chest compressions, not to question me (Laurie), our midwife, God or himself. We went down a path that we'd gone down before...life is risky. life is fragile.

Midwives got me cleaned up and out to the living room. David called after a bit to say that Jack was pronounced dead at 6:41 p.m. Just could not believe it...there is NO way that our baby did not make it. Jack was born straight into Jesus' arms. He is considered stillborn, even though I felt him moving in my womb that VERY day...how is one supposed to process this?

I don't question God...but I have had moments of anger...and questioning. but I always come back around to the good things...Jack will never get stung by a wasp, as Levi did so violently today. He will never get bullied, or have the flu, or have to deal with me when I'm cranky. Heaven knows he dealt with that enough while cradled in my womb...He is with the Lord, being loved on by Him, and my relatives and friends that have gone on before. I really hope that he is even getting to hear Keith Green sing praises, alongside Rich Mullins.

Ok, back to the story....Becky, Melanie, Tammy, Uncle John, Aunt Sherry, Will, Molly and Levi began our sad trek to Community South Hospital (David had gone in ambulance, Ethan and my Mom left before us to be there with David. My Dad was home, not feeling well, Tom was in California with Andy)...I will continue this later...I am thankful for the people that took such incredible care of us there...but that will be the next installment. thank you for continuing to pray for us. Settling into the "new normal" is very challenging. I'm not ok but I am. We so appreciate the meals, cards, care, prayers...I know that the prayers and petitions of brothers and sisters in Christ is doing wonders...I love you.