Thursday, July 28, 2011

4 weeks ago today...

This painting is called "Prince of Peace" by a young girl named Akiane. it appears in the book I just finished reading called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. I highly recommend this read...and I really like this picture of Jesus Christ.



Jack's temporary name marker...this will go into our Jack Oliver Young Butterfly garden that I'm working on...I really wish they'd put his June 30th date on this as well...



I know I'm long overdue to blog about what happened on June 30, 2011...to let you know, exactly how it came to be that Jack Oliver Young is not on this earth with us but is with his Heavenly Father...but I think I will have to do this slowly...it's pretty overwhelming.

In the respect that it was such a casual day...just laboring around, mowing lawn, taking a walk, seeing my neighbors, floating around in the pool...that was how the day was. I was in contact with my midwife on and off all day. Labor seemed to stall, so to speak, slow down, whatever. If you know me, you know that I have had 5 uncomplicated, textbook natural deliveries...4 of which had been at home with a midwife, Molly's (#5) taking place at the Nurse Midwives Birth Center, though I could've had her at home, or in the car....needless to say...there were no signs that there was any trouble or cessation of life in our 4th son. I felt him that early afternoon after mowing the lawn to help labor along.

Becky came down and David, the kids and I swam on and off, ate lunch, swam some more, timed contractions...which was weird because they were not painful. just slightly uncomfy, which was not the case with any of my other labors. so of course, I would not have made haste to get midwife there any sooner. Or if I was having a hospital birth, I wouldn't have even been there yet, that is how low key the labor seemed to be going. I figured it'd be later that night..

At 4 p.m. or so, Beck left and I came in to shower, get dressed and such. We'd been on the phone with midwife around this time, asking her to come check and hope that something would get going with an exam. Once I got inside, the labor kick started and boom...off we went...We then touched base with her again, saying that we definitely needed her to get here, since transition came on without warning. I labored in the garden tub and became very, very scared, nervous, freaked out...I'd been a bit more apprehensive this time around, not because of any signs with Jack or the midwife...just general anxiety. In reading back thru my journal of the past 10 months, I mentioned this a lot, even going so far as to say back in March that I "really hope you aren't tangling yourself up in your cord..." I was very scared for delivery...even though I've made it thru 5 times before with no trouble...

Ahhh, MH showed up, I writhed in pain and felt the urge to push...in her calm, confident way, she said "Go with it..." Push...

David looked into the tub to see what happened and uh oh...that doesn't look like a head...She checked and yelled for someone to call 911!! Instant fear...what is it? (still thinking in my head that things were going to be ok, even if they weren't right now...)

That's the cord, Laurie, you've got to get this baby out NOW! legs shoved back, my head smashing into who knows what, and MH trying to hold cord up inside of me....prolapsed cord, not good...

Jack Oliver Young came out in less than two minutes...up on my chest. limp. I can still feel his little body on me and it makes me shudder to recall it. I have always loved that feeling, when you get to the end of a pregnancy, go thru labor and it hurts but the end prize is that little body being put on your chest and crying and nothing hurts anymore and all you feel is LOVE. I felt it..I loved that boy...I love that boy.

oooh, look, a true knot, six inches down from his belly...two accidents of birth...one, you could maybe survive but not two...it was like a double whammy.

No life...but we hoped. I played with his sweet little feet, MH got the oxygen on him and Summer (assistant) began chest compressions.

All the while...I'm up above the room, observing this hellish scene...feeling so bad for the people that are living thru this obvious sadness...not believing that this kind of thing happens. out of body experience for sure...

I was yelling "C'mon Jack...you can do it...breeeeathe" ....I kept looking down at his little face, so cute, such a chubby little David chin and at his amazing hair...little tufts of cuteness and I even thought..."Well, good...all of that horrible heart burn was NOT in vain..." at his hands and long feet and toes...perfect in every way...he had David and Will's slender build...

I remember vividly looking up into MH's eyes and they were wide open...and she was shaking her head NO....to me or to herself, I don't know...

Paramedics from Waverly Volunteer Fire Dept. arrived and knew nothing...took up space...

a few minutes later, the real paramedic arrived and took sweet Jack from us. David went with them, holding out hope that he'd take a breath. so many thoughts run thru my head of how that could've gone.

I'm still trying to make sense of what happened. And that it happened at all. There was NO negligence on anyone's part...I had full prenatal care with one of the most caring midwives around, took care of myself just as I have with my other children...If anyone out there wants to slam home-birth and midwifery care, just look up the statistics. (the very day before, remember, I had my last prenatal and she listened to his heart for 15 minutes and it was strong and steady...and remember, he moved away from her hand on examination...he was very alive!!)

don't even go there.

not with me...I stand behind the midwifery model of care and hope my daughters and sons' wives will choose to deliver their children this same way...As David so eloquently put it, he'd made a decision while standing outside of the bathroom, listening to the paramedic do the chest compressions, not to question me (Laurie), our midwife, God or himself. We went down a path that we'd gone down before...life is risky. life is fragile.

Midwives got me cleaned up and out to the living room. David called after a bit to say that Jack was pronounced dead at 6:41 p.m. Just could not believe it...there is NO way that our baby did not make it. Jack was born straight into Jesus' arms. He is considered stillborn, even though I felt him moving in my womb that VERY day...how is one supposed to process this?

I don't question God...but I have had moments of anger...and questioning. but I always come back around to the good things...Jack will never get stung by a wasp, as Levi did so violently today. He will never get bullied, or have the flu, or have to deal with me when I'm cranky. Heaven knows he dealt with that enough while cradled in my womb...He is with the Lord, being loved on by Him, and my relatives and friends that have gone on before. I really hope that he is even getting to hear Keith Green sing praises, alongside Rich Mullins.

Ok, back to the story....Becky, Melanie, Tammy, Uncle John, Aunt Sherry, Will, Molly and Levi began our sad trek to Community South Hospital (David had gone in ambulance, Ethan and my Mom left before us to be there with David. My Dad was home, not feeling well, Tom was in California with Andy)...I will continue this later...I am thankful for the people that took such incredible care of us there...but that will be the next installment. thank you for continuing to pray for us. Settling into the "new normal" is very challenging. I'm not ok but I am. We so appreciate the meals, cards, care, prayers...I know that the prayers and petitions of brothers and sisters in Christ is doing wonders...I love you.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Babyland

The tent is over Jack's spot.


as always, out of order...obviously, the pic below should be first. Sending balloons heavenward...



Jack's resting place is at Forest Lawn Memorial Gardens on SR 135, south of Olive Branch Road, Greenwood, Indiana. He's in a sad yet sweet little place called Babyland. He's resting to the left of the statute of Jesus with the lamb when you view the picture of this place.

He's even next to another little boy, named Jack, who passed away 9 days before him.

I have also met another mommy who has placed her sweet daughter in Babyland, via Facebook.

I have many more pix to share but the lawn is jungley so off I go to mow before it gets too hot.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Celebration of JOY

sweet Jack the Bear's feet...too precious to touch the earth (in the words of Shani W) love it. miss 'em. bad.



Jason B. led us in some worship...beautiful.


so many people to thank...it will be my part time job for the next few months...or even a year.



some of the 182 people that joined us, in person, for Jack's Celebration last Saturday. Many more people expressed desire to be with us but with busy summers or long miles, they couldn't be with us physically but the prayers were felt...all the way from Japan, the Philippines, California, New York City etc. Thank you, guys. amazing....




I am

so

behind.

So many things I could type here...and I'm just at a total loss. I need to turn my head off.

But it's nighttime. Nighttime is the worst right now (Hello Melatonin!!) David and I aren't sleeping well and I usually end up sobbing myself to sleep. I'm at the denial/searching phase of grief. Numbness and shock have worn off. mostly. no, not really...

I know where Jack is. I rest in that. I have a hope that I will see him again. I thank the Lord that He has my/our son/brother/nephew/grandson/cutie pie safely with Him in Glory.

But I want him here. and that is part of grieving. You (I'm talking to no one in particular) need to let me want him to be here. and I need to be able to cry, vent, talk, weep, say things like "the last time I was here at ______, I was pregnant, or I had Jack in my tummy...." whatever.

I'm just in a weird place. somewhere I've never been before and these waters are choppy and so unpredictable. Thank you for letting me grieve. Thank you for letting me talk about my sweet wild haired 7 and a half pound boy. Thank you for letting me put pix of him up on here. Thank you for hugging me and helping me out. Thank you for ministering to my family.

I miss him so very much. It hurts deeper than I ever, ever imagined it would.

"Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know He is our Father. Come rest your head upon His breast, listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love, beating for His little ones, calling each of us to come....Be still, be still"

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This will be a tear jerking post...

no words...


shock. dreamlike trance...this really did not just happen. why? what? who?.....



little peanut head



Levi's face says it all...




My sister has had almost as hard of a time as I have with this...I mean, the girl did suffer pregnancy symptoms right along with me...and what an aunt she is. Jack, you would have loved your crazy Aunt Becky...I mean it.



This is Tambo...she was also so ready for this little fella to get here...this picture breaks my heart. to pieces.



Levi was just not sure what to think. Molly was checking him out, holding him, messing with his hair. It was so sweet. Grandma was also ready for a newbie to welcome under her wings...



sweet little look a likes.



I feel so bad for Mel...she was so ready to be this little guy's big sister.


such great big brothers you have Jack! Levi didn't want to hold him but he didn't want to be too far away from him either...



and another great big bro...



I'm pretty sure that I was hovering above the room at this moment...still, 2 weeks later, it just doesn't seem possible that this actually took place.



our friends, and family laid hands on us and prayed for us...another surreal moment and so appreciative of the loving support from all of these people and others. I just don't think we could've made it this far without them.


I am truly honored to have carried Jack for nearly 41 weeks. What a sweet little guy. I wanted to share some more of June 30, 2011...a day that I will never ever forget. My family will never be the same. We have an empty space. We all pine for that precious little newborn to be here with us. But we will rest in the knowledge that he is being held by Jesus Christ.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Jack the Bear

sweet Glory Baby...



He really did have his second toe on his right foot...it just didn't press down...His left footprint will be used on the bookmarks we are making for the Celebration of J.O.Y. this Saturday, July 16, 2011 at 1 p.m. Anyone and everyone is welcome...

I love these feet...they nestled in my ribs and if I'd known what was going to happen, I surely would have appreciated them more. I miss him. so badly. What I'd give to have that heartburn back, those sore ribs and back and the feel of his hiccups. our little Glory Baby.

Today has been a great day though...spent with some great people. Robyn, the amazing nurse that was with us the night that Jack died, came down to deliver slideshow videos to us. She is just simply awesome...Nicky, Rachel and Becky came to visit, drink coffee, work on bookmarks and eat Culver's Oreo ice cream sammiches and just plain comfort...I am truly blessed to have such cool people in my life. Jill, my beautiful Mary Kay lady brought us some delicious lasagna for dinner tonight. I could go on and on but I am pooped and 100 Jack Oliver Young bookmarks are waiting...Beck and the girls are spending the night. David is at work downtown tonight...things are just weird yet good.

I'm tired. it's time for me to go cry myself to sleep. Two weeks ago tonight was my last night pregnant...could I have even had a clue of what was to come? I think I might have had an inkling...my journal is chock full of wonder and fear...I love you, JOY boy...I know your life and death will bring great things and glory to God. I just don't understand it yet. and I want you here...listen to the words in the first song on my playlist. This is the song that is on Jack's slideshow...perfect.

Good night...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

sweet boy, I miss you tonight...


and I probably always will.

I want to put pix of Jack up, a bit at a time....here are all 6 of my people, taking in the beautiful shell of JOY. He is not here, he is with his Heavenly Father. What a lucky duck...


We just got back from a wonderful, though non-relaxing trip up to Holland, Michigan. We've joined the RV world..Had a good time with our kids camping (hotelling it one night) and tried to make some happy memories in the midst of mind-numbing grief. One of the clearest directives I am getting from God is CHERISH - cherish the 5 children that we do have...tightening my resolve to nurture them, guide them (and sometimes they guide me. More often than not lately....), and enJOY the time I have with each of them.

I needed to get out of the house for a few days, especially on Thursday. I wonder if I will always have to leave the house on Thursday. I really hope not, that will get rather inconvenient...

Be still and know...He is our Father. come rest your head upon His breast, listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love, beating for His little ones...calling each of us to come....Be still....

I just wanted to tell you all...THANK YOU! for the cards, the meals, the gift cards, the prayers, the care and comfort...Tory, for the cards...Levi was soooo excited to get home tonight and find a card addressed TO HIMSELF! WHOA! we are beside ourselves with the affection and sympathy.

I'm seriously just in awe of all of this...I have so many thanks to write (thankfully, I'm keeping track of who has done what...but it might take me some time to get it all together...)

Until tomorrow, lots of love and gratitude from our home to yours. The prayers are very much appreciated, especially as we plan for the Celebration of JOY this weekend, July 16th, 2011 at 1 pm. Stones Crossing Church, located at SR 37 and Stones Crossing Road.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

where to begin? well, let's begin at JOY...

not quite the family of 8 photograph I was hoping for but...

This picture is a part of our family history now. Oscar the Grouch, Toy Story, me in a wheelchair and Molly in her fairy princess outfit. David in shock, Will and Melanie mid-sob....And the shell of our 6th child, who flew right to the arms of Jesus...bypassing the pain and grief, toil and strife of life on planet Earth. Considering the events around his extremely fast delivery, I'd say we look rather nice...

We joined a club. In the words of some fine women who have come up along side me, us in this time...we joined a club that no one wants to be a part of.

I really want to blog about Jack Oliver Young's birth and death, but I'm far too tired, sapped, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually tonight. well, this morning, since it IS 3 a.m. on Wednesday.

I have so much to share about how God has brought us comfort and strength in these horrifying days. But I leave you with one of the only family portraits we have all together with Jack.

Be prepared...for in the coming days, I will probably post a few pix...they are very tasteful and baby JOY looks amazing...as if he sleeps. and he does...I love you, little guy...but he knows that...and as your amazing big brother Will so eloquently stated at your burial today..."There is as much purpose in your death as there was in your short little life." Oh, how true...

the pain is almost unbearable tonight...thank you for your prayers, thoughts and outpouring.

I will be back later...

Friday, July 1, 2011

being still and knowing that He is God...

It is with deep sadness that I visit my beloved blog this morning.

Baby Jack Oliver Young went to be with his loving Heavenly Father yesterday, due to a prolapsed (cord comes first) and secondly, a true knot in his cord.

My family and I deeply appreciate your prayers and sensitivity at this time...

I will try to get back on with more information later...

Such a sweet boy he was...and if you could've seen all that crazy hair he had...all that heartburn.

I weep.

Correction: True knot was first reason Jack didn't make it. Once labor began and he began his descent, knot tightened and cut off his blood supply. Prolapsed cord was the response to this. I still just can't believe this happened to my sweet boy. I will never be OK with this... 9/14/12