how many times in one day can I replay this scene over in my head??
How are you?
I'm not gonna lie...I've had better days. not that any one thing happened to make this day horrible. I worked in Jack's garden, trying to get the plants from Mary Helen and Tammy into the ground...and I find that it's a good time to just reflect, pray, and cry a lot. It's very healing.
it's just all the remembering, replaying, beating myself up for not "listening" to my maternal instincts, God's preparing me for what was coming...
Whatever it is, or was, I'm in this phase now...grieving mother.
After searching other blogs out, blogs by women, mostly, who have lost babies thru stillbirth or sometime in infancy, I find that I'm quite "normal". whatever that is. I didn't think I was normal before Jack's birth so I'm even less now.
How I'm coping with grief:
1.) I want to talk about Jack. If it's the first time I've seen you since we lost him, and you don't ask what happened or acknowledge him, I will be sad. more for you than for me. but still sad. He was real, he was here, we were excited, he is still a part of our family. Our family chain is broken and will be re-linked when we meet up with Jack Oliver Young in heaven.
I do appreciate prayers and I know David and the kids do too...just when I think I'm doing ok, a wave of sorrow (daily) hits me. it's honestly the weirdest place to be. I sob while I push-mow the yard. I find it's really cleansing...I'm sweating anyways so I might as well bawl and wail. so keep the prayers coming...I wail while I drive. It's sorta unsafe.
2.) If you don't know what to say, that's ok, just give me a hug. When you act like things are as they were before my life changed forever, I will not know how to deal with that. The woman who weighed me at Weight Watchers last night, who knew me because I look just like Becky (who goes to WW with me and she told this lady about JOY) even said she was sorry and hugged me. I don't expect you to know what to say...say his name..I love it. Hugs are welcomed.
3.) I do know where Jack is and while that is extremely comforting, I'd like him to be here. I'm ok with people saying that to me because at least they are saying something.
I am only human. What they say is true, my arms do ache for him. I have images of Jack that I carry with me and they all contain vivid pictures of that wild hair and that Molly face and mouth. I imagine little wings and those long, curled up feet that were so like Levi's. (go to YouTube and enter Chris Rice's song "Spare an Angel" or another CR tune "Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)). I am not hopeless...
I still can't believe that this has happened to our family. I wouldn't say that I'm angry but everything is not OK, hunky dory. I still yell at my living kids. I get aggravated with them, even still. Overall, I'm just so thankful for them...let me tell a story about my eldest son...Will Franklin Young:
Picture this: I'm at a family reunion this past weekend. At this point, no one had even acknowledged Jack or the horrible loss of him, which I know folks think I may not want to talk about it (see above)...and that's ok. (I've come to grips with the fact that people just don't know what to say, how to respond or if I'd want to talk about Jack Oliver Young)
We had taken our travel trailer to said reunion with us, as the plan was, so I'd have a place to take JOY for naps, or nursing whatever. so that, in and of itself made me sad because I didn't have that sweet boy in my arms. I retreated to the trailer because I could feel a big ol' sob coming. I sat in there and wailed. Will came in to get his suit on for slip n slide fun. I tried to act like I wasn't just weeping but he knew so he sat down with me, talked with me, asked if he could PRAY WITH ME.
We held hands, closed our eyes, and after a delay, I looked up because he hadn't started yet. He was crying...We stood up in the middle of that tight trailer and hugged. He had to, of course, lean down to hug me because I'm about 6" shorter than him now. After we got a hold of ourselves, he prayed with me. Held my hand, talked more with me...helped me process the things that were going thru my head...he is so patient (as are Ethan and Mel, it just happened that Will was the one that walked in. All 3 big kids have been so gracious to let me vent, cry, talk, weep, question).
Can I just say that it's a pretty cool thing to have something like the above happen? Makes all the years of being at home with kids so worth it. If that's you, you are home with littles, and it seems like it will last forever, it won't. suck it up and praise the Lord for the ability to mother your children.
Forgive the jumble...I am honestly a scatterbrained goof right now (right now, you say?). If I don't write something down, it's as good as gone. Thank you for letting me process here on this blog.
Finally, I thank the Lord for the things He is bringing to my attention. I am unsure of the ministry He has in store for my family and I but I have a pretty good idea that it will include helping grieving people in some way...then again, I could be totally wrong there. All I know is that we are open to whatever it is that He has for us.
Hug your kids, spend time with them that you don't think you have. They are worth it. (I'm saying this to myself JUST as much) Hug them, sniff them, let them know that you are so glad to have 'em. Gotta go sort all of this out...
Come to Jesus, and live.