Saturday, July 23, 2011

Celebration of JOY

sweet Jack the Bear's feet...too precious to touch the earth (in the words of Shani W) love it. miss 'em. bad.



Jason B. led us in some worship...beautiful.


so many people to thank...it will be my part time job for the next few months...or even a year.



some of the 182 people that joined us, in person, for Jack's Celebration last Saturday. Many more people expressed desire to be with us but with busy summers or long miles, they couldn't be with us physically but the prayers were felt...all the way from Japan, the Philippines, California, New York City etc. Thank you, guys. amazing....




I am

so

behind.

So many things I could type here...and I'm just at a total loss. I need to turn my head off.

But it's nighttime. Nighttime is the worst right now (Hello Melatonin!!) David and I aren't sleeping well and I usually end up sobbing myself to sleep. I'm at the denial/searching phase of grief. Numbness and shock have worn off. mostly. no, not really...

I know where Jack is. I rest in that. I have a hope that I will see him again. I thank the Lord that He has my/our son/brother/nephew/grandson/cutie pie safely with Him in Glory.

But I want him here. and that is part of grieving. You (I'm talking to no one in particular) need to let me want him to be here. and I need to be able to cry, vent, talk, weep, say things like "the last time I was here at ______, I was pregnant, or I had Jack in my tummy...." whatever.

I'm just in a weird place. somewhere I've never been before and these waters are choppy and so unpredictable. Thank you for letting me grieve. Thank you for letting me talk about my sweet wild haired 7 and a half pound boy. Thank you for letting me put pix of him up on here. Thank you for hugging me and helping me out. Thank you for ministering to my family.

I miss him so very much. It hurts deeper than I ever, ever imagined it would.

"Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know He is our Father. Come rest your head upon His breast, listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love, beating for His little ones, calling each of us to come....Be still, be still"

3 comments:

Tashena said...

Oh Laurie Dear,
How I wish I could take your heartache away.
How I wish I could take your family's pain away.
I am so very sorry.
My words don't do much for a breaking/broken heart, but they aren't words alone, but prayers going to Heaven for comfort, for rest, for peace in your spirit, for a settled feeling in your soul KNOWING the Lord has you in His never-failing hands. He loves you. He really does. Though it feels as if He's torn your world apart, He already has the glue to put things where they need to go. Things are changing. People are changing, because of Jack's life. Though it was only a short 40+ weeks in your womb, he has touched SO MANY lives!
I think of Jack often, and even catch myself talking to the boys about him. When Elijah asks what I mean, I just tell him to pray - and pray he does. Incredible things I wish you could hear...for your heart, for comfort, for your family, and he still prays for baby Jack. Those sweet prayers that I hope get answered as soon as they are breathed Heavenward.
I know you are surrounded and smothered in love and well-wishes but I can't go with out saying it again...
My door is always open, my shoulder is free, my arms are open, and I am here (with a box of lotion tissues).
I cry with you.
I cry for you.

Great Mercy - Much Grace

JoyInTheJourney said...

Well said, Laurie. So many of us wish we could make it better, but we in our human power can't. We can be here for you though, in thoughts, tears of empathy, and in prayer. Hugs and love to you.

Anonymous said...

This weekend I was at a spiritual retreat in the beautiful (and extremely hot) woods in Connecticut. People from many faiths were there, but one thing was clear in all of the singing and praying and meditating, and that is that God is in charge of it all, the good and amazing stuff (I look at science and nature and I am ever more clear in my faith that God is great and good), and all the awful stuff too. Who can know the why, and even if we did, it wouldn't help the pain. All weekend as I was being with God, I kept up a constant conversation about Jack and his tiny life and the infinite and immense energy it created in the small and wide communities of his family. How amazing to have touched so many in the mere seconds he lived on earth (that is outside of you, his lovely and perfect mom). I love you so much, and I every morning and every evening, I offer up with my prayers of gratitude that maybe one or two or five minutes of this day may be a smidge less painful than yesterday. That is the most to hope for right now. What an amazing clan you have assembled. You always said you wanted to be a mom and I think you have truly risen to the top of the ranks in that vocation. xoxoxoxoxx Jenna K.