Wednesday, April 30, 2014

34 months ago...

...this was happening. 

Isn't it cool how he didn't really look like a squishy newborn?  He looked like a little one month old dude.
I think I may die looking at these tonight.
I miss this little person so much.

His fourth son

such a precious moment

this is what it means to be HELD

Gramma crying over her 11th grandbabe.
Levi, shocked. Molly, touching

I'd never been so prepared for a baby. Can you believe it?

Momma loves you, Jack Oliver. 

Pressed between the pages of my mind...

Feet too precious for earth.
I've appreciated that saying here and there
But mostly I just think "I'd like for those feet to be on the earth"
And that's not wrong. I grew him, it was hardest pregnancy.
I wanted him to be here.
God didn't need another angel.
But I know that God has other plans.
And someday, they will all make sense.
So I trust Him.
I'm feeling a little bit melancholy tonight. I don't feel like I'm as much "fun" as I used to be, even in the days, months after Jack died. Almost three years out, I am weary.

I'm tired. I'm trying so hard to love people. In order to love people properly, I need to get my heart in tune to the Lord. First things husband, my kids, then our families. I need to love them well. Cherish them well.

I won't lie, I'm a bit burned out on people. Myself first and foremost. I know this is wrong...and God is dealing with me on this. He chastens those He loves. He must really, truly love me. ouch.

Ok, so tonight, my dad reminded me that I hadn't blogged in over ONE MONTH. That is a shame. I've been pondering Jack and our lives since then, all day long. So I wanted to blog about him. While it's fresh in my mind. (as if, right??)

Molly and I are the only ones home tonight. It's kinda weird to imagine that if Jack had lived, he'd be here with us. I miss him so much, my lungs want to collapse tonight. I'm not really weepy, just freakin' sad. I have had mad moments...and then I get over it....teens around us have had babies in the first part of this year and it's hard for me. I hope our families understand that. I want to be joyful for these situations but honestly, I'm not THERE yet. k? I want to like the pix on FB but I'm not there yet.

Our baby, conceived in love/marriage, prayed for, wanted so badly, is NOT here. And I'm ok with that. I really am. But give me a minute to accept these other situations. Know that I'm not sitting over here "JUDGING" but praying. Asking for grace from the Lord. Praying that the first time I am placed in a situation with these sweet, innocent babes, that I can love them and sniff them.

I'm not jealous. I'm not hating. I'm just hurting a lil bit. that's all.

allrighty then....felt I needed to get that off my chest...I need to go color with Molly Moo. I have some funny Moo stories to blog about but I shall wait.

I just want to honor Jack's life. He is important. He lived. Because He lived and died, I will live life fuller and for eternity. Because of him, I have a hard time just accepting things the way they are in this fallen, harsh world. I've seen the world through God's glasses. There is SO SO much more. more than this crap we are inundated with each and every day...




embrace the unseen things.

And thanks for your patience with me as I navigate these choppy, three years out, waters of grief.

I am struggling.
And struggling isn't bad.