Thursday, February 23, 2012

thirty-four thursdays and catch up.

34 thursdays ago, this little chubster flew home to his eternal home.  This little dollboy.  I grew a good baby. I can't believe he isn't actually here. I had a dream last night that someone brought him to me...not sure of the time context, but he woke up. I couldn't believe it. I cried, surely I cried in my sleep...and had a few moments of Jack Oliver Young with his eyes open...and then the alarm went off. It could seem cruel but I will actually take it as a gift from the Lord.
What I'd give to clean the fuzzies out from his toes, to smell his sweet milky breath and to tickle him under this jowls.
You will never be forgotten, JOY.
day 23: Sunflare. i will confess. this is not my photo, though it is one that I found and I like it a lot. It shows God's Omnipotence and reminds me that He is in perfect control. He is present in every situation of our lives...and aware of every small detail. My son is with Him. such consolation on this 34th Thursday....
Day 22: hands. I love these little chewed up hands as they prepare to paint birdhouses at 10:45 on a Thursday night.
Night owls. ha ha.

Day 21: Faceless self-portrait.  old neck. 

Day 24: Animal
Figured I'd get a head start on tomorrow, since tomorrow promises to be a busy, hectic, away from the manor kinda day.
This is Liz. Will's first lizard. She will be 8 in November.  I had just put a new bulb in her new light and she came out to bask in the warmth. ya gotta admit, for a lizard, that's kinda cute.

all that to say...while I have so very much to be thankful for, and I am, these are the days of what the...?

I'm not sure why this is. I'm sure specialists, fellow club member grievers, doctors, experts would say it's just part of the roller coaster.

I go to the dentist. I get six shots on one flippin' side of my mouth. It reminds me to take better care of myself. I take kids to the craft store so we can get wooden birdhouses that they will decorate for Jack's Garden or his grave. I ride bikes with whoever will ride bikes with me. We read together. We pick out ice cream at the store (I don't get any though, which is JC desserts are just fine and dandy). I do day 2 of my Couch to 5K program, which builds up my endurance to run non-stop though I swear I feel like I'm dying every now and then. I am adequately addicted to the endorphins that my body sends out to go just a bit further, to push myself and know that the results will be worth it. if I live. :) I could go on....I feel like I'm going thru the motions right now. Slappin' that smile on my face that tells everyone in my circles that all is well...

going thru the motions.

My head knows that all is well. really, it is. My trust in God is the one true constant in my grow up, husbands get stressed and we lash out, friends wonder how to help, do the very best they can (thank you, friends, loved ones), other people look at me like I'm the Grim Reaper. or maybe I'm imagining this..I dunno.


Everything's funky.

I'm ready for spring. I want to put my Welcome Spring sign out that Tambo gave me last year, while Jack thrived in my womb...Before Jack. After Jack.

goin' thru the funky motions. choosing JOY. trying to hug my kids, friends, family more. savor the little moments, like Molly tooting in the car or Levi trying his best to make me smile. Will or Ethan giving me kisses as they stoop down for a hug. Mel texting me as she heads south AGAIN (punk!) or David cheering me on...I love these funky motions.

So blessed to be here, to be Will, Ethan, Melanie, Levi, Molly and Jack's mom.

On another note: The coat rack that I decoupaged (I really need to take a pic but I need one more hook) is really cute. I'm zeroing in on an appropriate apple green color for our lower level. New pub table will be here in the next week. looking for two overstuffed (ish) chairs to put where the couch is so we can "get rid" of the leather sectional that is up here, which we kinda despise...light above island is DOWN! to find another light. I need to blog that, baby...THAT was an awesome tear down. Can't believe how much space that seemed to free up...

Ok, I'm babbling. more later. my head is just a jumbled mess. be back later!

oh and while you are here, please click on my amazing new friend, Lori Weatherly's's called Facets of Life. I'm reading her book right (line up folks...) and she has been a real encouragement to me!! Check out her THURSDAY posting (that's today) 2-23-12. This woman, kapow, she is something!! I am just not sure I could use anymore explanation marks to show my excitement at finding her. NO ACCIDENT. God is in these details.

outta here...Molly is whiny whinerson so off I go.


Anonymous said...

Hope that you night owls are having fun! I was painting tonight, too. Guess what they say is true...great minds do think alike.

Happy Friday,

Tashena said...

Hope your day is going well!
Can't wait to see the "bar" area now that light is down. I know that was a biggie!
AND - whatcha gonna do with the sectional?
Wanna sell it?
If so, JLMK.
Hoping the funk goes soon - I've had it here, too. Maybe it's Waverly! GOTTA.GET.OUT.



Facets of Life said...

sweet friend... I visited your blog yesterday but couldn't comment after seeing baby Jack in that photo above at the top, and coupled by the music that was playing... my heart strings were pulled. How sweet and precious he is... I have the same blanket that was given to me for Matthew. Mama hugs to you... and thank you for the beautiful words at the end... you are so right, God is in these details... every one of them! xoxo! LW

The Rogers Family said...

I think all of us sometimes just go through the are an awesome mom, and you are truly an inspiration to a lot of people...just remember that! Keep your chin up!

Ps, love that pic of sweet glory precious!

Anonymous said...

How big was sweet baby Jack? He was a very beautiful baby. I am so sad you have to feel this one should ever have to feel that pain. A close friend of mine had a stillborn little boy at 34 wks and there isn't a day I don't think of almost 7 yrs ago on April 5th...and he wasn't even mine (but we were pregnant together so I did have big plans for our ;))


Laurie and company said...

Hi A.Nony.Mous. Jack was 7 lbs 7 oz of pure heavenly perfection. Thanks for asking and for sharing your story!!
You are right, Tory...great minds. hugs cousin
Lori, your tender heart is awe-some.
Tashena, c'mon over! I wouldn't wish our sectional on you! ever. hope you are feeling well, oh pregnant one.
hugs to all of you