Monday, February 20, 2012

Day 20: Bokeh and a broken heart...

Day 20: Bokeh
I don't know anymore than that...if you Google the word BOKEH, you will get a slew of images that resemble this above. I love the concept. Very cool. This is not my picture.

I just wanted to add this pic of David and I with our 4th son.  Coming out of the fog of the past 7 months is such a strange place to be. Everyone has gone back to life...except for me. It's almost like my thoughts of Jack are intensified.
I can't believe that one year ago, I knew I was having a son, he was really moving a lot and he is NOT here. I just cannot believe it and will probably never...
I touched him, that little person we prayed for, his little shell, and he never moved on the outside. It is a hard thing for a momma to grasp. You grew in me, you were my special little friend, I felt you move, others felt you move but we will never see your eyes open, or you open your mouth wide to laugh or eat or gnaw on our fingers, on this side of heaven.
All that time, so NOT wasted, little Jack...but how I wish that you were here. that's all...wondering what God has in the allow such an event to take place. such a life changing thing.
Beauty from the ashes.
You never let go.
Always faithful.
Thank You, Lord, for loving me and my family so very much.

I'm not going to lie, my harder days seem to be more frequent than my not so hard was one of my most difficult. Under attack of some sort...I dunno.
I'm not saying this to be a whiner either...I just want to remember what this was like.
Why? because...this is my story. It has it's sad points and it's victorious places. Moments of fun and moments of utter tension. Glimpses of heaven and clips of screaming and gnashing of teeth. Always joy. Joy is not in is in us.

I just wanna make sure I remember days like these.
It's not all sunshine and happiness.
But I know that my Redeemer lives and I will rest in that.

good night.


Anonymous said...

I could have sworn that was your picture. It looks like you were having a cup o' joe nearby to your favorite lights in downtown Indy (I think that I got that right?). I love when you take pix of those lights since I love lights!

I hope that today is a better day. Love you, Tory

Tashena said...

Praying for you!

Nickole said...

I'm so glad that you are open and authentic even in the midst of intense sorrow. I think that with any trauma in our lives, it's often hard to understand how others can just go about 'living life' while we find ourselves standing there on the sidelines with broken heart in hand, wondering if healing will ever come. Let me assure you that this journey you are on is not yours to trudge through alone. That's the beauty of companionship and friendship and community. You might be a step or two behind your companions (is it possible to actually FEEL someone elses heart continue to walk in THEIR shoes?!!) but you're not alone. Rest in that today. There's no pressure to 'get over it now...' or 'believe that everything happens for a reason' or believe anything that anyone says about sorrow and grief and pain and healing and comfort. The only truth I see is that everything GOD does happens for a reason and even in the midst of your intense sorrow, He has continued to breathe life into your lungs, beauty into your heart (even when you sometimes feel there's nothing there but ugliness), and He saturates you with a grace we simply cannot fathom and He puts people into your life who will live you, walk with you on different 'legs' of your journey, and hold your hands up when you're too weak to do it alone. I'm in that line, helping others hold you up....even from my kitchen (in my pajamas) with the gloom outside, I'm praying for you, hoping for you, and expecting nothing in return because I believe that this is what friends do. Hold each other up. Walk in the confidence that you are loved, held, and supported. Even when the enemy lies and tells you that you are alone, you kick that dirty bastard where it counts and you tell him the Truth. You are LOVED. You are CHERISHED. Jesus died for YOU. You are NOT alone. Ever. You are walking in redemption. You belong to the KING.

(screw that dirty liar)

Facets of Life said...

Nickole above said it beautifully! Laurie, thank you for sharing your heart, bearing your soul and simply being the wonderful YOU that GOD MADE YOU to be! And part of that person that God made is you to be JACK'S MAMA! You will always be his mama and I celebrate that with you today... Questions unanswered, always, but God has such a unique way of blending shattered hearts together to come alongside each other to love, support & encourage! Sweet friend, rest knowing that you are not alone! And Jack is right where we all long to be, safe in the arms of our Creator. Albeit, us mamas sure wish we had our babies, and not one day goes by that I can say I don't wish that. I think we have a really cool babysitter! ;) Thinking of you and prayers continually as we all journey along on this path of beautiful, painful messes. Lot of love... Lori

Anonymous said...

I've just read through all of your blog posts and looked at your pictures... I have no words... But wanted you to know you are not alone!