or should that be knot? isn't it crazy how my mind works? when I say "wrap up the vacuum cord" I think of Jack. I drive myself crrrrazy. |
| written on the shores of Lake Michigan, 8 days after Jack left us. I still replay his birth over and over in my mind. all day long, here and there. it never lessens in intensity and hurt. but that is when I feel the hands of God encompass me and I know I will be ok and that Jack Oliver is too. |
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| I do too.. ...not sure what I clicked on, on Pinterest tonight, but this popped up. make your own baby toys. I'd like to. |
Five months ago, right now, I was still carrying my very alive baby, Jack Oliver Young, safely in my womb. One would've never ever known that there were to be any complications. I assumed he'd be born vigorously, like his FIVE siblings before, safely, with a midwife in attendance (don't get me started on anyone that says ANY...THING against midwives, homebirth and the like...).
Never has a child been more prayed for. Never had we decided to give any of our children initials that would spell out anything...why now? why is it that everywhere I go, JOY is there? Joy, in the world's sense, doesn't mean the same thing as it does to me. If you see me weeping in the aisles at Menard's or Target, don't fret. I do that a lot lately. that deep, from the bowels sobbing comes up. Baby's First Christmas...Baby's First Thanksgiving. Cherish your babies, k? I want to take all that stuff, those bibs, those outfits and knock the racks over. Or drop kick the mommy who isn't thrilled with her baby, or who lets it cry, cry, cry and ignores him/her to satisfy their own selfishness...sorry.
JOY means that, even though something really sad, horrible, incomprehensible happened on that June 30th day...God can and will still bring JOY in the midst. Especially now, as we remember why we celebrate this season (though as followers of Jesus Christ, we should celebrate the gift of Himself upon that cross on a daily basis...), Mary and that little baby boy. Did she have that foreboding feeling that I did, knowing her Son would die?
I really should go to bed but I'm up preparing Advent stuff, perusing Pinterest (oh my word, that is an amazing website but be careful...it'll suck you in) and I have so many thoughts and plans, ideas and questions rolling around in my bumbly head. I don't ever mean to compare myself to Mary...ever. Just in that we are both mothers, who had babies.
As moms, empathy is so important. I always thought I was empathetic...but now. whoa. pshewwww. empathy = your pain in my heart. I am sure I've got a long way to go in the empathy department.
Tomorrow, home all day. Celebrating home life, my kids, the fact that my husband has work, crafting, schooling, and the missing life of our Sweet Jack Oliver Young. We miss you so very much, sweetness.
On Sunday, December 11, at 2 p.m., Forest Lawn Memorial Gardens on 135 in Greenwood is having a Memorial service, where the names of each person "entrusted into the care of Forest Lawn" will be read off. You can buy a dove ornament. Appropriately, the ornament says JOY. I am pretty sure no one else's initials are going to be on their ornaments. Just ours. God knew what He was doing when he prodded us to give that boy those noticeable initials.
I will end with this...and I will post pix and full story tomorrow...Kaye B., a girl I used to work with at the Baptist Temple Daycare (from 1991-1992), sent me two bags full of JOY ornaments and decorations that she's been gathering for a while now. I'm crying even just typing this...do you folks even realize what this means? The first ornament I pulled out...well, I'll just post pix and the story tomorrow because I can't see the screen right now.
Good night. Godspeed.
NOTE: wow. I just re-read this. forgive me. I knew my head was a mush-fest but this just proves that I am right about ONE thing. that my head is mush. but I mean every word I said. Love your kids, love your husbands, stay strong. Serving God is worth every little tear that falls. night night.
5 comments:
As I read this, I am reminded of the van that I was driving behind tonight. It made me think of you with its bumper sticker that said not of this world, and its magnetic nativity that says Jesus is the Reason for the Season. Then, I look up, and it had those stickers...you know, the ones that indicate the family members? And, there were a pair of daddy feet, mommy feet, and guess how many baby feet? Yes, you guessed it, 6! Like you, I still tear up on the road and in Target. I have to shut my mind off and keep walking. And, I don't know why I have felt it quite as deeply, but I do that in even odder places like public restrooms (where I see the baby changing station) or now, when I see elmo (since ethan had his Oscar "da" Grouch t-shirt on). Really, how is it possible for me to feel your pain? (When like you so poignantly put it, I am not even able to truly empathize). But, even as I say this, I, too, cannot see the screen. Oh great, I will have swollen eyes for the last day of classes (good thing, I am reading this at 4 a.m., maybe, I can sleep off the whole tear goggle look...then again, they may think 1) that I was just partying too much and think I am cool, 2) think that I was crying because I will miss them, or 3) they won't even notice because they too have been up all night writing their paper for this class...probably #3..teehee...laughter through tears...you see how I just distracted myself to stop the sobbing that was welling up in my soul?) Love to hear your stories of people that have been moved to reach out to you like Kaye. It is amazing to me how much God does care about the details.
Well, I, too, have rambled, but at least its your blog. Instead, I just hijacked the comment section of it. Oh well, on that note, guess I should pray and get back to sleep.
Many loving thoughts sent your way tonight/today.
Tory
wv: swatedin (like swaddled in..."And, you shall find the Babe in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger"...okay, more tears, and the thought of how I was also just thinking about Mary and wondering how she felt about her baby being Jesus. I love that song...Oh dear, sobbing cousin hugs.
Laurie,
Empathy. Love you and your family so much. Crafted some JOY home decor and will ALWAYs think of Jack Oliver.
<3
tonya
Loving and praying for you my friend....
Hugs,
Shellee
Dear,
I, too, think of all those things that you do. Words, days, months...it always goes back to JOY Boy! Maybe the Lord uses all these things to remind Tory and I to pray for you - not that we don't without ALL THE CRAZY reminders, but God has a way of getting us to HIM. Amazing to think of it...
I can't wait to see all the crafty things you have been making (stars, JOY, calendars?...) I hope to stop by soon to see the goodies - and to squeeze ya! ;)
And, just to note once again, you don't sound as "mush-headed" as you think you do. You may feel that way, but it doesn't come across AT ALL!
XOXO,
Your Neighbor
Smooches.
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