Monday, April 30, 2012

10



from this, burgeoning life
to this....complete shock and utter disbelief that the little rib violator did NOT make it.
my babies always make it.
what would you have me to do with this, Lord?




ten months with Jesus
I know it's cool that one of my babies is with the Lord and is being well taken care of, waiting for me.
but somehow, today, that just doesn't make me feel better. I mean, it does, but it doesn't.
I know it's a line people use when they really don't know what to say but saying nothing would be better.
"God needed Jack in heaven"
No, I'm pretty sure it goes deeper than that.
God doesn't NEED anything.
I do.
What do I need to glean from this?
How am I to walk the rest of my time on earth, with this as my story?
recalling life before Jack
and life after Jack...
Use me, Lord.

ten months.
it is a good thing I have a lot to do to keep busy because I fear I'd be a blubbering mess if I sat and thought about it for too long.
All the things he'd be doing now
how he'd smell (that's a big one for me. I love to sniff my babies, more than I ever thought I did)
how wiggly he'd be.
if he'd be weaning himself from two naps.
teeth? cheerios? diaper rashes like your 3 brothers?
we'd be baby-proofing the spiral stairs by now.
we'd have baskets of toys all over the place.
life would be more casual because there'd be a little one in the place.

Was I not being a good steward with the gifts God had given me? Is that why Jack is gone?
I'm pretty sure that isn't it because there are people all around me that seem less diligent with their children.
I just may never know.
I'm not trying to compare. There is no comparison.
and in the meantime, I will try to live my life as a child of God, wife to David, mom to Will, Ethan, Melanie, Levi, Molly and Jack, daughter to Jim and Joan, sister to Tom, Andy, and Becky, Friend to many and
hopefully point them to Christ.

That's all I can hope.
Point them to Christ.
Even the ones that don't believe.

Point them to Christ.

Come to Jesus, folks.
He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
John 14:6

8 comments:

Facets of Life said...

<3 I understand every word on this post. As I take a deep breath and sigh, my heart so wishes it were different for you. Love & hugs friend.

jen said...

I love your words today. So honest and genuine. I hate it that Jack is not here I earth, I hate that the 30th of the month comes like a bulldozer - knocking you back down as you are just standingup from last months assault, I hate that it has been almost a whole year of "first milestones" the likes of which you never thought you would be celebrating...I could go on and on. Peace and love to you, my dear sweet friend. I am so thankful for you and your testimony. I'm thankful to know you and I'm thankful for lessons jack has and continues to teach me. I am changed.

Tesha said...

I am so very thankful for your post,they give me hope and comfort that I am not alone. I am thankful to have lots to keep me busy also, it must be so difficult for first time mommies. I know it is hard to think of all the things your sweet boy would be doing.I am saying a prayer for you now, your sweet jack is beautiful, I love his hair:)(((Hugs)))

Jamie said...

It's a strange reality, isn't it? Strange also that just like Lori said, the first thing I did after reading this was take in a deep breath and let out a sigh/moan. On my way home from work today, I was going over everything I imagined Sully would be doing at 19 months. The what ifs, the whys.....BRUTAL! Hugs

Laurie and company said...

love to you all.
so glad I have people around me that care and that get it!
Lori, Jen, Tesha, Jamie and the rest of you that are here but not commenting...love to you. and thanks.

Anonymous said...

Love you, dear heart,

Tory (mom and dad, too)

Anonymous said...

Love you my sweet far away friend..... Praying too...
Hugs,
Shellee

Laurie and company said...

love to you, Shellee and Tory!
praying for you too, Shellee....I imagine a sweet reunion between your momma and Grandma!
love you both, so much.