forty-three if only's

forty three Thursdays ago, I watched a father say good-bye to his fourth son.
I floated above the room of the emergency department at Community South. I didn't even think to bring one of the blankets I'd picked out for you, or an outfit. Why only think of this in the days/months after your death?
I watched 5 expectant, excited siblings shed tears of confusion and utter sadness over a much anticipated little brother. The prayers going up from those siblings still bring me to tears and make my knees weak.
I watched a grandma, a woman who fixes everything, cry tears of complete shock over her sixth grandson.
I watched a sister, brother-in-law, aunt, uncle, sob for the future lost.
I watched family and friends, who'd patiently put up with a very grouchy pregnant girl, kiss, sniff, and rub the head of that fluff-headed boy and tell him hello and good-bye.

I just, still, cannot believe that my Jack is not here.

When I see girls, women all around ignore, mistreat, NOT cherishing their gifts from the LORD. Everywhere. there are even TV shows about it. blech. do they even know how precious that life is? How one knot or knock to the head could end it? It's hard not to think "How Unfair" or "why me???"...

if only you knew what you were sacrificing, selfish one.

I don't want to taint Jack's post with disdain and utter sadness over the things I hear and see,  but losing Jack has opened my eyes to things I'd hoped to never see. I have great big wide open eyes.

I miss you, so much, little guy. Visiting your grave just is not the same but I'm so thankful for that little resting spot for you. We all long for the day when we will see you again.

Life is Beautiful.

I'd like to add:
Last night, after exercise and general tired sighs, Will, my 17.5 year old son, came out to me and asked if he could pray with me. Even typing it now, I get stingy eyes...we prayed together and inwardly, I praised the Lord for such an awesome gift.

i will close with that. I just can't even top that.