Friday, September 9, 2011

Little bits of here and there...

My friend, Jamie, from Illinois, sent me this card. Her sweet little baby, Sully, is also in Heaven. Hugs to you today, my hurting friend. I will get to meet her in person, in a few weeks. She knew David when he was a lad.
I think I will have to visit the listed website to find out about this sculpture.

Livin' the JOY-filled life. hmmm.
It's really kinda fun to fumble my way around each day, in the name of JOY. Please help me, O Lord!

Jack would be 10 weeks old today (yesterday actually). He'd be smiling at us, maybe sleeping thru the night, and looking beautiful in red, just as all of my babies have. I had gotten him a cute little shirt with 3 tiny trucks across the chest. It's red. I couldn't wait to see him in it, though I think I knew when I bought it, that I never would. It sits, in one of many piles of adorable duds, in the changing table that has become a gathering table of sorts. The Darth Vader, "Let's Carve Pumpkins" shirt will go into a box for Will or Ethan's sons. I miss you, sweet angel boy.

I know years from now, I will look back on this strangely horrifying time and see God's hand. I can even see it now, in little everyday moments. But I can't see the big picture. I know He's working, chipping away at my old self. ouch.

I just don't feel ok. I steer clear of babies. I struggle with pregnant women. I am really surprised at how much that affects me. I asked my midwife if that was normal. yes. it's only been two months. an eternity and not.

too fresh. maybe when my arms don't ache so badly.
Maybe when replaying June 30, 2011 doesn't invade every hour of my day.
Until then, I forge ahead.

Ok, now that I got that outta my system, here's a little update:
1.)  Dealing with insurance (such a scam) to get Jack enrolled, so we can cover the bills that are starting to trickle in. We have to appeal a 30-day time period, that we missed in the fog of July, to record his birth/death to Healthscope. How do you call your insurance company and tell them to please put your baby on your plan, even though he didn't make it? always makes for awkward transactions.
2.)  Remind me to tell you about the gas line in our front yard.
3.) The kids are doing so well with their school, at home and at their various places of instruction. White River Home Educators for all 5 and Southside Christian Homeschool Academy for Science for the three oldest, World Lit and Comp for Will and E. Mondays and Thursdays are crazy days. crazy crazy. Someday, when all the driving and here and there is over, you can remind me that I miss it.

Mel and I took an early morning walk. I need to get on the tready to finish up my mileage but I will be back later with some pix that Tom took of the kids downtown, Labor Day.
addendum: wow. I'm all over the place. this is a good reminder though. I have never ever felt so scatterbrained in my life. I thought I was bad before grief. sheesh.


Tory said...

I got a kick out of the addendum since frankly, I thought you made perfect sense. But, I think that speaks more about me than I normally admit.

Insurance didn't even cross my mind! That's like I remember having a conversation with a co-worker years ago when you hear people that are just thankful to have their lives after a natural disaster but lose everything. Like, yes, it may all be material possessions, but some are necessary for living. But, then, where just where to you start. It's not like a manual comes with it. It would be fun to have a specific manual for the important things in life: new child, loss of human life, natural disaster, etc. I know there is the Bible and prayer, but wouldn't it be nice just to have someone tell you that it takes 2 years to feel somewhat normal again, or don't forget about the insurance, or people won't want to look you in the eye? Hmmmm, sounds a little like your blog.

So, here's to those epiphanies and your willingness to share them with us. Many big hugs today and always, t

Tashena said...

I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I miss you and our walks/talks.
BUT... I get it.
I am sorry.
Hugs to you - though they don't help.
I am sorry.