Friday, March 9, 2012

change me...

please, someone, do my hair, before my sister eats me. this picture. wow...roots, mouth wrinkles, an evil expression, my sister about to chomp my face just does NOT get any better than this, my friends.

I have so much to say, and yet nothing to say.
Why start?
Where to start?

what to say, what not to say? I've never been very good at knowing that. but I'm being worked on...

This past Thursday was the 36th Thursday that Jack has spent with the Lord. Surely we don't pass time the same way there...of course not.

Why does it rain 3 out of every 4 Thursdays?

God is crying with me, I like to think...He's catching all of my tears.

I went out to Jack's grave yesterday, before our homeschool co-op. I wasn't crying, yet, the rain had stopped long enough for me to visit his spot and as I walked up that sad little hill, a gust of wind, otherworldly, just about knocked me off of my feet. Approaching Jack's spot, tears instantly came forth and I found myself, composed minutes before, talking on the phone with my lovely friend, Jill D., shaking with sobs.

How DOES that happen?

I go to homeschool group, I see baby boys that are about Jack's age, and think it raw that my sweet slobbering fella is over on 135, in his yellow/blue/green Children's Place sleeper...well, thankfully, we know HE isn't there...just his beautiful shell. Imagine that boy's spirit...and not in my arms, bobbing his darling head like Levi did/does....

Is it just me or do people that know about Jack but don't know me, look at me like I have a black hooded cape and a wheat chaffing thingy in my hands (grim reaper)? Maybe some people that DO know me and know of Jack look at me that way too.

The Lord is changing me. I'm not sure what my future holds, what is in store for me, for my family but I'm pretty sure that it involves Jack's story...which is our blessed and thankful for the love of God. Being drawn close to the Creator of this earth, galaxy etc. I'm just a speck.

A speck that He cares for and loves deeply. mind boggling.


So, looking back on my blog over the past few months, I realize that I never finished blogging about our trip south...or my friend, Annette, that I met last week thru Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope (and she lives about 15 minutes from me. how's that??), or Lori Weatherly's blog and book,  Or, or, or....

Or my husband, David, who celebrated his 41st birthday this week. Or my brother, Tommy, who turns 42 today. Gosh, I'm so behind...bear with me.

I will get more pix on, update y'all.

Until then, hope this finds you well, healthy, ready for spring...don't forget to turn your clocks ahead this Saturday night...yup, we lose an hour this time around. Heck, I feel like hours are slipping from my hands constantly, so what's one more??

gotta clean...peace out.


Facets of Life said...

Your children are beautiful... ALL of them! Your sweet words touched my heart tonight~ Little Jack is so blessed to have you as his mommy! xoxo

Tesha said...

I am so blessed by this post. I love how your heart comes through. My heart broke when you mentioned his blue and green sleeper. I am so thankful to have found your blog. I look forward to your catching up!

Anonymous said...

Umm...yea, this is where I say, " your pain in my heart- empathy". I'm not sure you can walk up that sad little hill and not be changed... And not be struck by some form of emotion. I like to think of tears as unspoken words... So your shaking in sobs was speaking from the depths of your heart my dear friend and our Father heard ever unspoken word! Also as I read this what I call "heart cry in print"... The song healing rain came to my mind

Anonymous said...

Continued..(obviously supposed to leave shorter comments ;) But maybe the rain is Gods healing rain coming to wash over you?! And rest assured God is already changing others through Jack's/ your story! Thank you for allowing Him too! Thanking you for being a tangible resource of Gods love! Jack has one amazing mommy! <3

Laurie and company said...

thank you for your comments, ladies. I read them all...usually on my phone, in rarely, will I get to comment on here. Hugs to you 3.