Tuesday, May 22, 2012

this time last year...beware...I'm feeling sappy.

get your tear goggles out, as Tory would say. I'm crying as I blog....

this page is now in his green scrapbook.
I just can't believe how this all went down.

Look at that precious baby bump. he was such a wiggly, predictable boy.

I meant to get on here and blog on May 18th but that was an extremely busy day (whew! good thing).

In the back of my mind, all day long, while at the zoo, at the SCHA end of year celebration, and at the Kirk household later on, I kept recalling this day in 2011.

For it was thee day that Natalie drove over with Ryan to take our maternity pics and retrieve Will, Ethan and Melanie for a few days. I know I say this a lot but I am so glad that she took those pix. (thank you, dear, pregnant Nat. How I love your tender heart) Even now, while typing this, I get choked up a bit thinking about it. I think I knew that day just how important those pics would be. I think, maternally, I knew to my core that Jack would never live with us. I can say that now, in hindsight...that there was always some sort of mental block when I imagined him physically being a part of our family. Then I thought I was just being super paranoid. Protecting myself...

Now I know...God was preparing me.

I still just cannot believe that he died. I can't believe that on June 29th, when I had my 15 minute exam, that his heartbeat sounded so amazingly strong. It makes sense now why I sobbed every morning...I've never gone past my due date. I can't believe I laid on my bed and told myself that I was just being extra worried, that everything would be just fine with our sixth baby when I think subconsciously, I knew that we were in for some days, months, years of trial. And not for lack of sleep, sore bums or nursing issues. Joy in sorrow. It's no coincidence that we prayed for, talked about and chose the initials JOY for our precious boy...God knew we'd need constant reminders. And He sends them. I can't believe I pushed him out in 2 minutes and that he had NO signs of life. I shudder to recall his arrival but I do, several times a day. That little round head, chubby chin, magnificent hair, scrawny shoulders. Oh dear Lord...why?

This stuff truly happens to other people.

Yes, it does.

But it happened to me, to us, too.

And almost one year out, I can honestly say, without a doubt, unashamedly, that God is doing a work in my life, in the lives of my kids and in the life of my husband. Beauty will rise...out of these ashes.

I praise the Lord for the little butterflies He sends my way daily...they flutter about me, sometimes one, sometimes two and I tell them "Hello Jack" and I savor the moment. I don't care how unstable I may look, stopping to relish the gift...

I will continue to choose Jesus Christ. He is the author and perfecter of my faith and my story. I see the work of the Holy Spirit in each member of my immediate family and I can't help but lower my head, raise my hands up and thank Him.

Ok, thanks for letting me get all nostalgic on ya. I will be doing this a lot in the next month and 8 days. I think the first year is shock...I can't imagine what year 2 brings. Someone, please, tell me.

tonight, I weep. it's been almost 47 Thursdays since Jack left....

I pray that once the one year mark has come, that the healing will just keep coming. I know I will cry about Jack and relive his amazing birth every day for the rest of my life but I will keep my eyes turned toward heaven and praise the Maker and Redeemer. Looking forward to the day when I will see sweet Jack the Bear, face to face and hold him for eternity (please, Lord).

To God be all glory. Now and forever.

I'm off to make some cards since I got my run in. I will be sitting at the island, creating and educating my son...Godspeed.


Jamie said...


Anonymous said...

I am so glad for the warning. I was able to steal myself so that at least I was not sobbing. Still cannot fathom that this happened. Love you, Tory

Tashena said...

Praying for you, Dear One.
Hope to see you soon.

Natalie said...

It was my pleasure. I can't say I had ANY idea how important they'd turn out to be, though. Miss that little muffin. <3 Crying with you.

Tesha said...

Boo hoo, I am crying. Oh I can imagine approaching one year is hard. I think you will have a lot of reflecting up till June 30th. I hope like you said July 1st begins a new season of healing. Your love for the Lord is so comforting and reassuring. I love how you said you would continue to CHOOSE Jesus. He truly is a choice. I am thankful for this look into your heart. I will be saying extra prayers as you approach Jack's special day. Big Hug my sweet friend.

The Rogers Family said...

Hugs across the miles...you and your family have been a huge inspiration to many people...little JOY has brought so much JOY to so many through his legacy...keep your chin up!

Jodi said...

Tesha said it so beautifully.
I agree.
I love you very much, Dear Laurie.

Laurie and company said...

I just love all of you to bits.
hope you guys (girls) know this.

each one of you.

<3 my cup runneth over.