Monday, May 28, 2012

hello, goodbye...a post about a little vanishing boy.

March David's 40th birthday skate-a-thon! So glad Jack got to be "there". And that his mom was rocking that hat so much. haha

It does pain me to look at this pic for more than one reason. 1.) obviously, I went thru an entire pregnancy, plus, and there was no one to show for it.  (you know what I mean by this, right? I had grown someone, he was there, but he left)  2.) I gained weight...a lot, but more after...and while I'm so glad Tom documented my pregnancy with Jack, sometimes it just plain ol' hurts to see these reminders.  I was about a month out from meeting Jack here. Yoooo, Big Ladyyyyy!

this face says it all.
What I'd give to see your smile. 

This was last year's Memorial Day event...Can you spot the sweet little incognito boy? these pics are sadly out of order, even though I downloaded them IN ORDER, blogger!  David is jumping in here...

And here he is...this pic should be above the one above...grrr. This spot you see me in? I spent a lot of Jack's last month, sitting there, praying, singing, trying soooo hard not to cry a lot, worry and throw up, I was so darned nervous. Can you tell?

I don't look too nervous here but I look swollen with heat. This was after the 500 Parade.  WHAT were we doing, Beck?

Mem Day Mel Party...Jack is in the black/white polka dotted bathing suit top...getting ready to dish up cake and ice cream...

and um, again, 500 Parade revelers...Tom is behind the shutter. In fact, all of these pix are by him! You da man, Tom.

Beck and I were competing to see who could open their mouths wider, and allowing Tom to snap a pic of it. I'm really proud of this picture. I think David is too! I really hope that Jack enjoyed that cake. Apparently, I did.

Happy Memorial Day, folks!
I am, again, feeling very nostalgic tonight.
This day last year, we'd attended our first (and probably last) 500 Festival Parade. It was flippin' hot! I was at the beginning of my ninth month of a pregnancy that would end sadly. Can I get an amen here, folks? I have so much to look forward to. One of my beautiful children is being well cared for with Jesus Christ.

Who knows what his life would've been like. We've all seen the neglected kids...maybe we've been them, I dunno...would I have forsaken my parenting in my older age, causing Jack to be a heathen rebel, going against everything David and I believe in? A kid who disregarded me, David or worse, Jesus Christ? Rejecting?

I will probably never know. I know I see the differences in my first three from Levi and Molly. How lax I've become...How much they get away with that Will, Ethan or Melanie would've never gotten away with...

My commitment is renewed to being the best parent I can be, for these kids are my full time job and if I fail at this, I have failed at life.

I will end with this....

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was a momma. My mom made it all look easy and she did it well. I mothered my Bethy doll with vigor. When anyone, mostly family, would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd reply "a mommy!!"

And they'd follow up with, "No, your real job, or what do you reallllllly wanna be???"

I'd say..."A MOMMY! Is that so wrong?"

Girls, take your jobs seriously. So many examples, sadly, remind me daily that this mothering job is NOT for the faint of heart, weak spirited, friends of the kid-kinda person. These kids don't need another FRIEND, they need a MOMMA!

Much love to you tonight...

(In re-reading this post, it's true...I'm still a scatterbrained ninny muggins.)


Tesha said...

I swear I don't don't know if I want to laugh or are so good at getting me to do both :) I love the pregnancy pictures, I think you are glowing with joy. When asked as a child what I wanted to be I always responded a momma also. My babies are the joy of my life here on earth and in heaven. I will be saying lots of prayers for you this month. I hope to be laughing and crying here with you.

Anonymous said...

Love you dear friend!! Thinking of you and praying for you so often..... Looking forward to skyping with you some time. Hugs,

Jamie said...

This post absolutely broke my heart. Again. It is so hard to parent a baby who's not here. There's really not much we can do 'for' them. But, because of your parenting of Jack. He will never vanish. That is what you're doing for him. You are keeping his memory alive. You are challenging people to choose JOY despite circumstances. You have and are keeping his life and death from being in vain. You are teaching all of us to seek joy, and everytime we do we think of your JOY.

Jamie said...

...and, I had a Baby Beth doll. Being a mommy is the best job, and the only one I've ever really wanted. It took me 40 years, but I finally made it. Sorta

Tashena said...

Hello, Dearest!
Been thinking bout you. So glad you are home - hope you had a wonderful trip up north with Davie Boy! I think I said rather loudly "Oh good! They're home!" when I saw you pull in the other day! Heehee!

Every post I read, I stand amazed! You are brave, extraordinary, incredible, inspirational, and just a hoot!
Hoping to see you soon!


Tashena said...

Oh! Yeah!
I almost forgot!
I LOVE that hat in the first pic!


You are NOT a scatterbrained ninny muggins!!! And, if you are, that's how we love ya!