Happy 14th Birthday, dear Melanie Kate!!

you must've been a beautiful baby

and yes, you were! (and still are)

Funny how these things work out, huh?
11 months ago, this very night, I was mourning the tragic loss of my sixth baby...
14 years ago, this very night, I was freaking out as I transitioned, BY MYSELF, while everyone slept, waiting for this beautiful bundle of bright beauty to emerge in my home.

Melanie took a long time to come out...the video is slightly traumatic to watch because, well, it just was....her chin was up and the cord was around her neck...I was pushing all wrong too...you can see on the video, once midwife mentions pushing from my bum, how quickly the little gal emerges. 4:06 AM, Melanie Kate Young, 8 lbs, 2 oz of raven haired beauty...I remember just sitting and staring at her. She even went to Target within her first 24 hours. Someone asked how old she was...I asked them what time it was. I started her out right, did I not???

On the video, also, when Mel comes out, I was insistent on seeing the gender quickly...and when I said, in shock, It's A GIRL...Beck pulled a "NOWAYYYYY" and then proceeds to cry. We were all a little surprised...but so happy.

What a treat she was....good natured, adorable, funny, well behaved. PRECIOUS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MELANIE KATE!! I refuse to believe that you are FOURTEEN! ahhhhhh. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

well, have fun anyway...you're one of my faves!

church directory fun!!

I'm out the door for a little impromptu homeschool meet-up but wanted to get this family pic on the ol' blogaroo for your viewing pleasure! (ha ha...cocky!)
This was taken on May 4, 2012 for the directory at Southland.
isn't this a hoot?
it's not my favorite picture of Molly (1.) the bang issue of '12 and 2.) her face just doesn't even look like her)
All in all, I like it and I'm glad that my Jack footprint necklace is represented.

The gang's all here.

While I'm here, I'd like to mention that 11 months ago, right now, I was in the midst of laboring.
 Jack was on his way. I was still clueless. (no more, never again)  Happy 11 month birthday with Jesus, Darling boy. We miss you, so so much. These people up there? they miss you fiercely. They smile because they know they will see you again someday. Because they have HOPE in Jesus Christ.



Have a lovely Wednesday evening, folks!

hello, goodbye...a post about a little vanishing boy.

March 2011...at David's 40th birthday skate-a-thon! So glad Jack got to be "there". And that his mom was rocking that hat so much. haha

It does pain me to look at this pic for more than one reason. 1.) obviously, I went thru an entire pregnancy, plus, and there was no one to show for it.  (you know what I mean by this, right? I had grown someone, he was there, but he left)  2.) I gained weight...a lot, but more after...and while I'm so glad Tom documented my pregnancy with Jack, sometimes it just plain ol' hurts to see these reminders.  I was about a month out from meeting Jack here. Yoooo, Big Ladyyyyy!

this face says it all.
What I'd give to see your smile. 

This was last year's Memorial Day event...Can you spot the sweet little incognito boy? these pics are sadly out of order, even though I downloaded them IN ORDER, blogger!  David is jumping in here...

And here he is...this pic should be above the one above...grrr. This spot you see me in? I spent a lot of Jack's last month, sitting there, praying, singing, trying soooo hard not to cry a lot, worry and throw up, I was so darned nervous. Can you tell?

I don't look too nervous here but I look swollen with heat. This was after the 500 Parade.  WHAT were we doing, Beck?

Mem Day Mel Party...Jack is in the black/white polka dotted bathing suit top...getting ready to dish up cake and ice cream...

and um, again, 500 Parade revelers...Tom is behind the shutter. In fact, all of these pix are by him! You da man, Tom.

Beck and I were competing to see who could open their mouths wider, and allowing Tom to snap a pic of it. I'm really proud of this picture. I think David is too! I really hope that Jack enjoyed that cake. Apparently, I did.

Happy Memorial Day, folks!
I am, again, feeling very nostalgic tonight.
This day last year, we'd attended our first (and probably last) 500 Festival Parade. It was flippin' hot! I was at the beginning of my ninth month of a pregnancy that would end sadly. Can I get an amen here, folks? I have so much to look forward to. One of my beautiful children is being well cared for with Jesus Christ.

Who knows what his life would've been like. We've all seen the neglected kids...maybe we've been them, I dunno...would I have forsaken my parenting in my older age, causing Jack to be a heathen rebel, going against everything David and I believe in? A kid who disregarded me, David or worse, Jesus Christ? Rejecting?

I will probably never know. I know I see the differences in my first three from Levi and Molly. How lax I've become...How much they get away with that Will, Ethan or Melanie would've never gotten away with...

My commitment is renewed to being the best parent I can be, for these kids are my gifts...my full time job and if I fail at this, I have failed at life.

I will end with this....

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was a momma. My mom made it all look easy and she did it well. I mothered my Bethy doll with vigor. When anyone, mostly family, would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd reply "a mommy!!"

And they'd follow up with, "No, your real job, or what do you reallllllly wanna be???"

I'd say..."A MOMMY! Is that so wrong?"

Girls, take your jobs seriously. So many examples, sadly, remind me daily that this mothering job is NOT for the faint of heart, weak spirited, friends of the kid-kinda person. These kids don't need another FRIEND, they need a MOMMA!

Much love to you tonight...

(In re-reading this post, it's true...I'm still a scatterbrained ninny muggins.)

this time last year...beware...I'm feeling sappy.

get your tear goggles out, as Tory would say. I'm crying as I blog....

this page is now in his green scrapbook.
I just can't believe how this all went down.

Look at that precious baby bump. he was such a wiggly, predictable boy.

I meant to get on here and blog on May 18th but that was an extremely busy day (whew! good thing).

In the back of my mind, all day long, while at the zoo, at the SCHA end of year celebration, and at the Kirk household later on, I kept recalling this day in 2011.

For it was thee day that Natalie drove over with Ryan to take our maternity pics and retrieve Will, Ethan and Melanie for a few days. I know I say this a lot but I am so glad that she took those pix. (thank you, dear, pregnant Nat. How I love your tender heart) Even now, while typing this, I get choked up a bit thinking about it. I think I knew that day just how important those pics would be. I think, maternally, I knew to my core that Jack would never live with us. I can say that now, in hindsight...that there was always some sort of mental block when I imagined him physically being a part of our family. Then I thought I was just being super paranoid. Protecting myself...

Now I know...God was preparing me.

I still just cannot believe that he died. I can't believe that on June 29th, when I had my 15 minute exam, that his heartbeat sounded so amazingly strong. It makes sense now why I sobbed every morning...I've never gone past my due date. I can't believe I laid on my bed and told myself that I was just being extra worried, that everything would be just fine with our sixth baby when I think subconsciously, I knew that we were in for some days, months, years of trial. And not for lack of sleep, sore bums or nursing issues. Joy in sorrow. It's no coincidence that we prayed for, talked about and chose the initials JOY for our precious boy...God knew we'd need constant reminders. And He sends them. I can't believe I pushed him out in 2 minutes and that he had NO signs of life. I shudder to recall his arrival but I do, several times a day. That little round head, chubby chin, magnificent hair, scrawny shoulders. Oh dear Lord...why?

This stuff truly happens to other people.

Yes, it does.

But it happened to me, to us, too.

And almost one year out, I can honestly say, without a doubt, unashamedly, that God is doing a work in my life, in the lives of my kids and in the life of my husband. Beauty will rise...out of these ashes.

I praise the Lord for the little butterflies He sends my way daily...they flutter about me, sometimes one, sometimes two and I tell them "Hello Jack" and I savor the moment. I don't care how unstable I may look, stopping to relish the gift...

I will continue to choose Jesus Christ. He is the author and perfecter of my faith and my story. I see the work of the Holy Spirit in each member of my immediate family and I can't help but lower my head, raise my hands up and thank Him.

Ok, thanks for letting me get all nostalgic on ya. I will be doing this a lot in the next month and 8 days. I think the first year is shock...I can't imagine what year 2 brings. Someone, please, tell me.

tonight, I weep. it's been almost 47 Thursdays since Jack left....

I pray that once the one year mark has come, that the healing will just keep coming. I know I will cry about Jack and relive his amazing birth every day for the rest of my life but I will keep my eyes turned toward heaven and praise the Maker and Redeemer. Looking forward to the day when I will see sweet Jack the Bear, face to face and hold him for eternity (please, Lord).

To God be all glory. Now and forever.

I'm off to make some cards since I got my run in. I will be sitting at the island, creating and educating my son...Godspeed.

catch up.

This past Saturday was National Lemonade Stand Day. Since it was scorching hot out at the soccer games, we decided to visit our lovely friends' stand....Here you see the Nowacki's, shortly after making our Lemon Shake Ups, fair style. boy, did that hit the spot.

Molly with Baron, Mrs. Stiles' adorable pooch. He weighs 4 lbs.  Molly is in love.

This past weekend was a very Avengers-friendly time...Ethan went to see it with Tom, for his 16th birthday (which was, lemme remind you, in February. but he wanted to wait for his evening out with Tom when the Avengers came out). Sunday night, David, Will, Mel, Levi and I went to see it. We had such a blast and it was definitely worth the time and money, in my feeble opinion. that Captain America....Hulk was my fave tho...oh and Hawkeye. Thor's pretty neat-o too, with Iron Man, being my least fave because Robert Downey Jr. is just difficult to process.

We opened the pool last week and the impatient kiddies began swimming instantly.

Good Tuesday Morning!
I have not forgotten my dear blog but I will have to blog more later.

I wanted to get some pix on here for my dears.
Tory, praying for you...hoping momma is improving more every day.
Tesha, thinking of you constantly...hoping you are keeping your eyes up.
Christine K., the girl I asked you to pray for, needs continued prayer.
I will be back.

hee hee

I needed a good laugh
and this provided one.

I'm frazzled and burned, torched and worn out after a whirlwind week and then a day out on the soccer fields (from 10 am to almost 3...but I cheated and left early with Molly and Levi).

It was so. hot.
I'm not complaining. for real. because I like the hot and sun.
right next to the pool.

lots to blog about, but I gotta go steal some pix from my brother.
I also need a shower after working outside after soccer and then finished Day 2 of Stage 9 of Run Your "Bum" off...35 min, walking 8, running 27. Praising and worshiping and hoping I make it.

To God be the glory.
I am not ashamed.
Good night.

praying for you my blog friends...everyone one of you, as I remember you throughout each day.
love and warm fuzzies (I typed fussies first. isn't that just too funny??? because I've been pretty fussy all day. ask my kids and hubby. no, don't actually....)

Long overdue, right, Tory?

goobs that I love dearly.

Jewett clan: in Indy for a quick visit from CO. Eric, Carrie, Wyatt, Sophia, Emmy and Maximus.  Love these people! 

Taking a pic of Carrie, taking a pic of us.

David, harassing Wyatt.

Will, Mel and Emmy

Ethan, sharing useless facts with Sophia. She's a good sport. notice his hands are moving...

Molls with Emmy

the main men of our families.

My Young Piano Recitalers

Is that a clip on?

Are you ready, Melanie?

This pic and the following pic were taken by my lovely friend, Charmaine's hubby, Ryan.  Thank you very much, guys! Your view was much better than mine. And so was your camera. :)

 

This was my view and my furry camera

Annie K....

Our lovely piano instructor/teacher/master, Leslie Stiles. She is a gift. And so incredibly stylish.

These little dears were at our soccer games last Saturday. Don't make me  tell you the corny joke I made in reference to her # of ducklings. Let's see if you can come up with my cheesy joke on your own. I dunno. I may be crazy.

The yellow flowers are from Will and the peonies are from my garden.  

Grandma Taylor had the most amazing peony bush right by the entrance to the gated pool, my whole growing up in MI life. I didn't realize how much I loved them or missed them till I met Tammy K., who has a plethora of these bushes in her lovely yard. I got brave two years ago and planted some of my own. She gave me a starter for Jack's garden, which will surely give us more of these amazingly beautiful, how can you deny there is a Creator, flowery gifts next spring.

just one of the pots of flowers. 

one of the peony bushes and where all of the dirt is, along the block wall, will be explosions of zinnias and other random things I planted last weekend. I can hardly wait. This is, by far, my most favorite time of year at my house.

My poor, neglected, overgrown garden plot...I tackled it tonight and there are 5 tomato plants and two pepper plants safely tucked into this space tonight. I am ahead of the game this year....praying for a good showing.

And this is for you, David, my out of town sweetheart...I know this blog post will show up on your phone and you may view this post...so here is a pic of your adorable Outback. I'd like to say Subey (aka Sue B) misses you but she doesn't. She actually likes me a lot. and the feelings are very mutual.

good evening....
I have a lot to catch up on here but quite frankly, I'm plum-tuckered tonight.

~I planted today.
~We cleaned out the pool (aka pond, more like it) and got it half filled. Now I need to figure out how to get the new filter/pump thingamajig working again. it's a mystery every year.
~I was home, mostly, all day today. I loved every minute. mostly. but really, yes.
~We grilled out tonight. I made fresh salsa too....oh. my. word.
~Levi got sunburned.
~Will and Ethan frantically finished up their end of year work for World Literature.
~Mel stayed up with the K girls all night, coming home to a full day here...go Mel!
~Molly fell asleep really early and boy, was it nice!!
~I took a late evening walk with my adorable neighbor, Tashena and her little bundle, Tucker. I even got to hold him, with salsa breath and all.
~Now I'm finally blogging, I'd started earlier in the day but the Mac was overtaken by my working boys.

Praying tonight for my cousin Tory, who is probably waiting for a handwritten letter from me and some sign of life...but until I can get that finished, please PLEASE please know that you and your parents are fixtures in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm also praying and burdened for my friend, Christine...please pray for this dear wife of Matt and momma to 3 strapping young men. Not sure of the prognosis but it's not too positive. Praying for you, Kinman family.

Going to bed on the eve of Jack's 46th Thursday with Jesus Christ and a heavy heart for hurting people.  If I've communicated with you in one way, shape or form, then you are on my list. Tesha, Annette, Melody, Tory, Tashena.

Go listen to MercyMe's song "Hurt and the Healer" (or is it The Hurt and The Healer??? I dunno.)

So glad that I am hiding in the Lord. Good night all.

forty-five: Go in peace and laugh on Glory's side...fly to Jesus.

Good bye for now, brave small boy

I can't believe I didn't get to sit and endlessly sniff this precious head.
Look at all of this hair!
Perfection.

Hardly even seems fathomable that it's been 45 Thursdays.
I don't have much time, as it's our last day at the homeschool group and one million other things I need to accomplish today.

I had a dream last night. a weird one. I had another baby (impossible), a girl, and she was ill. She was going to die. I still took her to the mall. I pushed her around in a stroller and watched her. worried all the time. I woke up. Don't know what happened. Probably didn't want to.

Amidst all the pain that this life brings, find some hope/joy/bliss in the everyday.

I will close with this...

I had a lovely day at home, folding laundry, ironing, visiting my beautiful neighbor and her sons, cleaning, primering the lower level door for bright teal paint, schooling, and closed the day with my Day 4 of Run Your Bum Off, stage 8. Walk for 3 minutes, run for 9, walk for 2, run for 9, walk for 2, run for 8...I listen to Jeremy Camp and Matthew West...Jeremy Camp has a song called "Not Ashamed". Matthew West has a song called "Strong Enough". Let me recommend that you give them a listen...I had some amazing worship time. All the while, praying that the Lord would give me strength to get through this and to be used. Trying to use my time wisely, which is hard for this dilly dallyer, procrastintor queen. I got my 3 miles in, burned 420...while running for 26 minutes. whew!

Now that I read through this last horrendously long paragraph, I realize that there was really no point except to say that running on the treadmill has become such a special time for me. I enjoy the running/walking because I get to spend 40 minutes just praising the Lord, thanking Him for all the adventures He takes me through.

Also, please please please pray for my sweet friend, Christine K. She is in the hospital, don't know the details except that it's not good....she is diabetic and has already endured some amputation and it looks like more. Please pray for her, her husband, Matt and her three sons.

Happy Thursday.

Love,
Ding Dong
Saved by Grace

On the eve of this 45th Thursday....

I've really appreciated this. Lori Weatherly is a contributing writer on this e-mag. Her column is called "Beauty Marks".
I look forward to receiving great encouragement from these gifted writers, who've endured loss and infertility.

Another page that has offered encouragement to me on FB is The Empty Chair.
Pictures like this will pop up when I need them most.
it's ok to fall apart, or so I hear.
I'm there, this week.
rough week all the way around.

Some prayer requests:
My cousin Tory and her family
My friend, Shellee, all the way over in Japan, whose maternal Grandma just left this earth for glory.
My somewhat stressed husband.

So many prayer requests. So many hurting people...
People all over the place, anticipating horrible things or not knowing that horrible things are going to happen.
This was me last year...clueless.
I look at the pics that Nat took and yes, I was anxious, but I knew in my heart, that all would be well.


And while things didn't turn out as I expected them to.

far, far from what my expectations could have been.

I have hope.
And things are turning out better than I could have expected in those dark days after Jack's death.

I have seen things that I would've never seen if Jack hadn't left earth the way he did.

Some things have to be believed to be seen.

I saw this on a sign.

I love it.

It's my motto for the coming year, the second year without sweet Jack here with us.

I'm living with an amputation.
I will heal.
But part of me will always be missing.

Thank You, Lord, for taking us to new heights.
Thank You for the people You use to re-light the fire of hope.
My Hope is in You.

no one else.

You alone are God.

note: is it really the 45th Thursday?? it amazes me how much my brain fogs out...how much I forget from moment to moment. I was bad before June 30, 2011 but now, even 10+ months later, I'm still bad. worse. I need to have a Sharpie marker surgically implanted somewhere on my body so I can write reminders...pray for me.

well hello there!

I was pure Aqua Net and v-neck vest goodness!

coming outta the slump of life....

figured I would try to put something on my loving blog that might bring a chuckle to your soul.

Me, in all of my preppy goodness...and I wonder....could I still pull off this hair 'do? I don't even know if I'd know how to do this again. (and that nose...)

Those white earrings.

really?

wow.

Anyways, this weekend promises to be busy, chaotic, fun and wild. I promise to be back with pix of the happenings because I know you are waiting, patiently, by your computer for a word from me. I know....it's ok. 

I'll be back.

On tap for today...

Exercise...bah. Day 2 of Stage 8 of Run Your Butt Off, though I'm quite certain my butt ain't goin' nowhere yo.

Educate....my children.

Exfoliate....for the fun bridal shower I will be attending for my friend, Cyndy, tonight...

and I've plum run out of another E word....

but on a happy note??? My sister and her loving husband (who also happens to be Cyndy's brother) have decided, unofficially, to home educate their lovely daughters, Piper and Nora. 

I'm as happy as a barnacle on a whale.

or a frazzled housewife on half price Frappucino day (which is now...May 4th-13th from 3-5 p.m. btw).

Or a Star Wars Geek (that'd be me too) on Star Wars Day. May the Fourth be with you. ha ha.

ok...gotta run but hope your weekend shows some signs of promise. (we're getting family pix tomorrow night for the church directory....ha ha. any suggestions? should we all wear black? or do our hair funny?)

May the Fourth be with you.