Wednesday, October 5, 2011
there will be a day...
with no more sorrow, no more tears...
today is not that day.
I went out early with David today. He had a work meeting and then an eye appointment...pupils dilated...looking weird he is! Our last stop, after coffee, was to the Marion County Health Dept. to pick up Jack's death certificate.
sounds "easy" right? went thru the motions, showed 'em my ID, waited for them call Jack's name...waaa...paid $15 for said document...
Walked out the door and......
bawled in the beautiful sunlight...that weird sobbing that I've become very accustomed to of late. from the depth of my being....Driving on highway 70, with tear soaked eyeballs, mascara running down my face, and a husband with spooky, dilated eyes..we were quite a pair.
I mean, I knew how he died...but seeing it on a notarized document was just too much. So final.
Cause of death A. Complications of birth with knot in cord
Cause of death B. Neonatal asphyxia with cord compression
Isn't that raw?
I will still lift my face to the heavens. I will still seek Your face...I don't understand this. Probably never will...but I trust in Jesus Christ. God the Father. This hurts. this sucks (pardon me) I can't believe it actually happened to us. I can't believe I held that little guy on my chest and he was gone. I grew him, he was perfect, he had all of his parts, whole...but in the end, the very thing that was his lifeline, took his life...natural causes the certificate says. Yup, it's true. man.
Ok, well, I need to go...Beck and I are going to visit Jack's grave together and pray tonight. I am truly honored to have her in my life. even if I am the original funny (to blog about this another day).
Upcoming blog posts I need to remember:
Meeting with Valetta Steel Crumley on Wed Oct 12
Becky and how she gets all of her jokes/material from me
Our trip to MI