Wednesday, October 5, 2011

there will be a day...

with no more sorrow,  no more tears...

today is not that day.

I went out early with David today. He had a work meeting and then an eye appointment...pupils dilated...looking weird he is! Our last stop, after coffee, was to the Marion County Health Dept. to pick up Jack's death certificate.

sounds "easy" right? went thru the motions, showed 'em my ID, waited for them call Jack's name...waaa...paid $15 for said document...

Walked out the door and......

bawled in the beautiful sunlight...that weird sobbing that I've become very accustomed to of late. from the depth of my being....Driving on highway 70, with tear soaked eyeballs, mascara running down my face, and a husband with spooky, dilated eyes..we were quite a pair.

I mean, I knew how he died...but seeing it on a notarized document was just too much. So final.

Cause of death A. Complications of birth with knot in cord

Cause of death B. Neonatal asphyxia with cord compression

Isn't that raw?

I will still lift my face to the heavens. I will still seek Your face...I don't understand this. Probably never will...but I trust in Jesus Christ. God the Father. This hurts. this sucks (pardon me) I can't believe it actually happened to us. I can't believe I held that little guy on my chest and he was gone. I grew him, he was perfect, he had all of his parts, whole...but in the end, the very thing that was his lifeline, took his life...natural causes the certificate says. Yup, it's true. man.

Ok, well, I need to go...Beck and I are going to visit Jack's grave together and pray tonight. I am truly honored to have her in my life. even if I am the original funny (to blog about this another day).

Upcoming blog posts I need to remember:

Meeting with Valetta Steel Crumley on Wed Oct 12
Becky and how she gets all of her jokes/material from me
Our trip to MI


Jodi said...

It does suck.
And in no way could I picture yesterday as being easy.
I imagine that you dreaded that last stop before going home.
No more words today.
Hugs to you person.
Love you,

HelenaHandbag said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HelenaHandbag said...

I know, I know... Those legal documents proclaiming the reality of what happened are NOT easy -- fact. Sometimes, just looking at them sucks the breath right out of you like you've been punched in the chest or kicked in the head. A stranger in an office typing out black and white words about someone you love with all your heart...always feels so intrusive, like a soul invasion. I am so sorry that that was you Wednesday. Love you my precious Miss Laurie.

Brittany said...

I love his hair. It makes me giggle every time. Just precious.

I can't imagine your feelings or your grief. I can't imagine how horrible or sad getting his death certificate was. There really should be a better way. Much love to you.

Tory said...

There should not have to be such a tiny casket. And, death certificates in situations like that should come to you not vice versa. How painful this all is, but I guess that it can be argued that it keeps your mind off of it. (Insert raspberry!)

On a positive note, guess what was waiting in my mailbox on Sunday when I got home from Kinston? Just when I needed it most! I loved the mix of out loud laughter and torrents of tears that it brought with it. Thank you for the great letter. I loved it!

Hope that your trip to Michigan was most awesome.

Hugs, t

The Rogers Family said...

Laurie, I think about you heart and thoughts and prayers go out to have truly been an inspiration to me and a great source of encouragment to my friend who lost her baby at 39 weeks. It is your words that she understands...I don't have the right words because I haven't been there, but you do...keep your chin up my are one loved person! and I see that through the comments and the smiles in your children's pictures!