Friday, July 13, 2012

a little hurt, a little joy

credit to Fran at Small Bird Studios

so amazingly blessed by this momma and her (9th) baby.
Shellee and her family are missionaries in Japan. This is her first daughter, Grace, after 8 handsome boys.
Even though there is a major shortage of helium, even in Japan, this sweet sister in Christ made sure to partake in Jack's balloon launch. I love you, Shellee. Thank you so much for being my friend, for praying for us and for the encouragement and joy you have brought to me. 

So, now that I've endured 54 Thursdays since Jack left, I find myself in a new place.
Where? I'm not sure but I need to get some of this out on my beloved blog...because I just do that kinda thing...make myself transparent, open to criticism and rejection and that's ok. (if you can't say something nice, take it elsewhere, eh?)

I had typed out a really painful post here...but I've just erased it. I want to make myself transparent, but not THAT transparent. boo.

Ya know what I'm gonna do, when I start to worry and wonder what the Lord has in store for this situation or that situation? I'm going to just lay all of those worries and fears at His feet. I've been chewing my lip a lot this week...

I do want to thank the people that care and pray, show support and encouragement to my family and I. Life is messy...without the Lord Jesus Christ at the center, it'd be messy and hopeless.

Because I trust in Him, it's only messy. Thank You, Lord.

I think of the people He has put in my life, like Becky, Shellee, Tashena, Tory, Danielle, Carrie, Jen, Jennifer, Kellie, Nicki, Jodi, Dawn, Erin, Tonya....(I could keep going) that have their own stories and mess, and just thank Him for the gift of them. He does give, and He does take away. Blessed is His name. Jesus Christ.

Just wanted to make sure you knew that I still hope and try to honor Him with my life. I'm very very far from perfect (duh!) but I am a seeking search of JOY, in search of the Bright Hope, in search of the promises of the Holy Bible, and the redemption story that is so carefully woven through each page, each line, each story of that Blessed Word. daily.

All that to say, clinging to the Lifeline.

In other news, at this stage, because I will want to know later on how I was feeling, dealing at week 54...Jack is still ever present in my every thought. I am always trying to find ways to include him into our story. I have six beautiful children. 5 are here with me and one is being well taken care of by our Heavenly Father. He is still and will always be with me. I will always wear a piece of jewelry that not only reminds me of that sweet boy but reminds others as well. I will always say his name as if he was just in the next room...I see people carrying their little toddler boys and I imagine myself doing that too. I am at the place where I don't cry as easily but I do choke up and get that burning sensation behind my eyes often. He'd be wearing little plaid shorts, shirts with sharks or bulldogs on them and tiny tennies with no socks. His piggies would stink and I'd pretend to smell them (or not pretend, really smell them and love it) and dramatically act like the smell is strong - PPPP-UUUUU!!...He'd belly laugh. He'd be starting to say Momma and he'd want me when he was tired. He'd be a terror on the spirals. He'd love sand and mud as much as Molly and would probably love to be hosed off as much as she does. or not. Ok, so now, typing all of this is making me cry. Jack Oliver Young....

I miss you, darling boy.

"Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." Luke 22:42
Jesus even asked His father if His cup could be removed. (thanks for sharing that article with me, TW) God is not offended by our weakness. (so sad that others are)

I'm praying for some folks tonight that I love. A beautiful little family, who have already suffered so much loss, suffering some more, wondering why why why? Miscarriage...ahhh, love you B family. Also praying for the M and B families, as they look back on the past month, since sweet baby girl G.E.M. left for glory...that first month...whoa. such a blur of grief and madness. You people that I love dearly are at the forefront of my mind and heart. You are drinking the cup with grace.

I'm praying for some other folks that I know just need prayer...for whatever reason.

forgive this all over the place, downright depressing post. I'm just overwhelmed with love...can't ya tell? I hope you can.

and overwhelmed with the fact that I am working with my loving hubby at the Auburn (Fort Wayne), IN job tomorrow...gotta earn some money for clothing...and so thankful for the opportunity to do so. And the other fact that we just finished a successful and super fun week of VBS at our church (LOVE the GoFish Guys)...and Mel and E are heading to summer camp on Monday....Oh, I have so so so much catching up to do.

Edit: David and I both agreed to NOT work in Auburn today. In fact, we slept in till about TEN. he may have slept a little bit later even. So, if you see me, and I'm wearing a worn out bathing suit or the same weird shirts, that is why. Sleep and restfulness won out! <3


Kellie said...

one of my all time favorite posts. i love how you go on about Jack... the stinky piggies... also one of my faves of babyhood. i pictured it right along with you, like a fly on the wall, getting to enjoy seeing you together. one day. i love you... like a sister.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, my tear goggles were a little hard to find the last few weeks; but, hence they are alive and well. I, so, can picture Toddler Jack as you describe him shared on your blog. And, I cry.

I love the picture of Shellee and baby Grace. How poignant and what a gift of friendship and Christian love. Grace's sweet smile, almost like she was sending her own thoughts about Jack. Too precious!

Hope that you have fun working. I can do manual labor, but the whole time I am thinking that I am thankful that I like to teach. By the way, do you have a garden this year? Just wondering. Hugs, Tory

Beckisue said...

Thank you for being so transparent. I love you!

jen said...

Ah. Your description of Jack as he would be right now made me tear too. Those precious moments are so easily taken for granted. You are such a sweet mama- I love your willingness to be so honest and vulnerable...not sure I have the guts to be that way. Love you!

Tesha said...

Oh my that brought a need tear. I find if I do not cry often I start getting a hard heart. The tears keep me soft :) I to have typed painful post and deleted them. I have also posted some painful post and felt the sting of judgment. I have to say it is worth it. Worth remembering how I really felt, worth letting others know that it ok to feel these things. I love that you are so honest and your transparency always show a heart the LOVES her family and LOVES her Jesus. I love how you talked of Jack I could see him in my heart I could see you tickling and loving him. Funny how writing/talking about our sweet sons makes us feel close to them, I guess it is all we can really do for them:(. I so appreciate how even in your pain your always thinking of others. Either thankful for them or praying for them. You are a shining light my friend beautiful and bright! Praying for you Laurie!

Tashena said...

As you have read fro the above posts, we all love to read everything you write! EVERYTHING! We like to see the transparency - maybe because I am too afraid to be it myself. I agree with Tesha - had never been able to put it into words, though...the crying thing,

Anyway, hope to catch up soon!