How are you?
I hope you are doing well.
I have something I wanna tell you.
My life changed on Thursday June 30. 2011.
I thought I was welcoming my sixth child, and I did. but not in the way that I expected.
I still, on the eve of Jack's second birthday, cannot believe that he didn't make it.
He didn't make it here...but man oh man, he's made it.
You can too. Because of Jack, my eyes were opened. really opened. to so many things, my own self most importantly.
that sounds selfishy doesn't it? what I mean though is that my eyes were opened to the condition of my heart, to my life and to just how much I wasn't living my life for Jesus.
If you knew me then, you'd say (to me anyways) "Ohhhh, but you were a Christian, you went to church...you homeschooled your kids, you prayed as a family and read your Bibles"....and on and on you could go. And I would've agreed with you back then...
I'm not saying that the Lord took Jack to "teach me a lesson". I won't know that here or ever, for that matter. But for whatever reason, Jack died. What a sad situation I find myself in. Yes, I weep for him regularly (like tonight for example...on the eve of what would've been his second birthday) and wonder why this happened and relive that day so many times throughout my days. Like when I cleaned out the tub he was born in, earlier today. oh man.
I do know this. I prayed for the Lord to do a work in my life, and in my heart before we even considered having Jack. It's been a very long process and it has taken some very unexpected turns but I praise Him for each painful, joyful, sorrowful, triumphant step...He is shaping me into a vessel fit for HIS use. far from perfect but looking upward each and every day.
I find myself wanting to fill my days with talk of Him. To be sure that the ones I love and call friend or family KNOW Him. really know Him. Really put off the things of this world and put on Christ. His Yolk is easy and His burden is light.
All that the world offers is death and indulgence, wickedness and denial. Selfishness and separation.
Jeremy Camp's song "Give me Jesus" has become a very important song to our family...go check it out on Playlist. Simple but profound...In the morning when I rise, Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, just give me Jesus.....
Chris Rice's Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)...is Jack's song. go give that a listen too.
We have a playlist of sorts that we all use to praise and worship our Heavenly Father...Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons (which goes along so nicely with Ann Voskamp's 1,000 Gifts). The last verse of that song, I can barely choke it out..
"And on that day, when my strength is fading, the end draws near and my time has come. Still my soul will sing Your praise unending....10,000 years and then forevermore!! FOREVERMORE! Bless the Lord, Oh my soul....Oh my soul, worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul, I'll worship Your holy name."
side note but really so not a SIDE note!! >>>isn't it just so cool to know that my little boy is in the presence of his Creator and Heavenly Father?? and that one day, I will be with both of them. he's probably met Keith Green, Jim Elliott, my relatives, Pastor Mills, Tim, Ramie, Lydia, Boston, Savannah, SULLY, and so many others!! that blows my MIND!
My direction is moving forward...I'm being shaped and molded by the Lord Jesus Christ. it's a little bit painful. but totally worth it.
Tomorrow, I will recall that sweet sweet boy....I will smells smells and recall steps and shock, the feeling of being HELD and on holy ground. I will rejoice that, though I wish he'd stayed, He is such a lucky lil ducky to not have to endure splinters, spankin's, Obama, fights, tears, Molly...I could keep going.
At six p.m., Sunday June 30, 2013, we will be meeting at Forest Lawn, at Jack's spot...to release balloons. I suspect we will do this every year. I also suspect that we will have different people over the years. I probably won't cry there because, as I did last year, I've cried enough this week, and tonight, to make up for crying on the spot.
When the balloons are released and we've all cried and sniffed and said goodbye to Jack's lil spot...we will head back to our house for some refreshments, hang time and swimming if it's not raining or chilly. If you can make it, we'd love to have you. If you can't, it's totally understandable.
Thank you for letting me ramble on and on here...thank you for visiting my blog and for encouraging me in the ways that you do. I consider it a great treasure.
I will be back later with pictures and more chopped up thoughts.
Happy night before your 2nd birthday in Heaven, little Jack the Bear. We miss you so so so much!
Because of your life, my life is richer, deeper, more purposeful...