Thursday, December 8, 2011
David and I, Christmas evening 2010, after sledding. I was pregnant. surely Jack was too small to have put a knot in his cord with all of that sledding, right?
I checked with my midwife...got the ok. obviously, I couldn't lay on my tummy much but she said baby was well insulated. (and I know he was...)
All that to say, today is the 23rd Thursday since Jack left us. I miss you, sweet boy. How cherubic you'd be this Christmas. I have such a hard time with "Baby's First Christmas" stuff and it seems to jump out at me. Jack, I will always keep a remembrance of you, in every room, in every way. You are a part of my life, a part of our lives. You will never ever be forgotten.
most of the time, I can keep myself busy enough but tears, sadness and "what if's" hit when you least expect it.
like walking into a church service. singing "Oh Come, Let us adore him"...Jack wasn't Jesus but he WAS a baby boy like Jesus was. with a mother that loved him and loves him still. tears were just flowing...I wasn't even sobbing, just had tears rollin' down my face...
or when a sweet girl sings Sara Groves' song titled "He's Always Been Faithful"...and you know the hurt she has endured in her young life (her) and now the hurt you've endured in your not so young life (me)...and knowing that God uses these situations, oftentimes hard and sad...to shape and mold us to bring Him glory. ouch.
I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head today but this is the day that the real holiday rushing seems to kick in...so many events and things calling to us in the next two and a half weeks...trying to breathe, choose JOY, get my cards done, get a letter out to my lovely, caring cousin in NC, calendars made, gifts bought, kids run here and there (one consolation is that Will did PASS his driving test yesterday so he's all set to get his license and that fact, right there, brings this mother a lot of relief...and some anxiety)
So whatever you find yourself doing today, know that whatever you do, do with all diligence and joy, knowing that it brings a smile to the Lord's face. that, right there, is what keeps me going right now...God is teaching me a lot but one of the resounding things is DON'T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY! SMILE! LAUGH!! CHOOSE JOY! it's the only way to go...