I've made a mess of me...

I wanna spend the rest of my life ALIVE!!

So, in my daily prayer journal, I've started writing down blog post ideas. I have so many thoughts and ideas that come to me and most of them, I lose because my memory can be so sketchy...

Something that the Lord has really been laying on my heart/our hearts is health. Spiritual health first followed by physical health. How that looks for us each day is something like this.

~Upon waking up, and for the past year (for me), I read my Bible, spend some time in prayer. That may sound trite, trivial, simple...but it is the secret to a healthy, growing walk/relationship with the Lord. There are so many Psalms and Proverbs about starting out your day in meditation, prayer and time with Him.

Here's the thing...I grew up in a Christian family, going to a Baptist church, involved in my youth group and whatever age group I was a part of...I know I took a lot of that for granted. Upon moving to Indy in the fall of 1991, I had one year of singleness before that wild haired lumberjack stole my heart, beginning in the fall of 1992 (I was in such denial about that guy but by April of 1993, we were engaged)...One could say that we "looked" like we were a couple that stayed involved in our church and went through all the proper churchy, Christ-like movements...

For 18 years, the Lord sought me and I'd "give in", play the part, fizzle again and on it went...until that spring of 2011...when I cried out to Him, to show up, to be real to me...oh did He. Since that time, the Lord and I have walked together, though challenged and difficult at times, seeming silent or far away at others, but together...I am so thankful for the growth that has taken place. Though not pretty, or gracious at times, it has my eyes wide open...It seems I'm seeing things more through His eyes...now to learn to be more merciful...that is my next hurdle...blog post to follow??

Which brings me to this point....I had to go through gut wrenching pain to realize what a blessing it is to have a daily walk with the Lord....I'd say that no mother should ever have to go through losing a child but who am I to say that? I praise the Lord for that time...yeah, it doubled me over and knocked every stilt out from under me...for some reason, unbeknownst to me, our family was chosen to walk this path. I praise Him...it has opened my eyeballs wide to seeing the importance of taking care of my spiritual health.

It has also opened my eyes to seeing how important me taking care of me is. That has been a struggle since, heck, birth...I come from a long line of comfort eaters, non-skinnies, Swedes, Scots, whatever....I'm short, my childhood doctor made the mistake of telling my mom, in front of me, that I wasn't fat, just "husky". sheesh...body image problems anyone??

I know the struggle is real, I face it every day....I run but I eat....something's gotta give...I saw my ALS ice bucket challenge video last night and nearly died when I saw it. My baby would be three....there's no reason why I still have 40 extra pounds and an inner tube around my mid-section. I watch, and not even as intently as my sis and bro have, the struggle my mom is facing with extra weight and it makes me sad, mad at my gramma for always trying to soothe her kids, her grandkids with FOOD....when our comfort should've come from the Lord...why weren't we taught this?? Even now, I turn to food for comfort...and it ticks me off.....I need real help...I need to be here for my kids, I need to be a better example for my kids, for people around me, for the Lord. HE is my comfort and strength, ALONE...people, food, situations, will always let me down. heck. yes!

I need help. I need to really, truly drop the extra lbs once and for all. Over it.

so that's where I'm at....I wanted to address spiritual and physical health before I addressed friendship.

if you can't get these first two aspects, very basic aspects, of life managed, then the other aspects of life, I believe, become even more difficult to manage.

Friendship is a very real struggle for me. I have odd, broken relationships floating around out there and I don't like it. I have a blog post formulating in my head about this but just not sure as of yet...Just have to reassure myself that there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

I'll have to blog about that another day but hopefully this mumbo jumbo above makes sense and that you, my faithful reader, know that I share because I care and I love. Charity starts at home...Ministry starts at HOME.

right HERE!

good night