Happy 3rd birthday, dear boy

Jack Oliver Young

Oh, how missed you are

I think about the amazing people I probably wouldn't have met if he hadn't left

There are too many to name. I could start and it'd take days

I also think about how my life would've gone on in the same, ungrateful way

Yeah, I could talk the "talk" (Christianese) and seem to walk the walk

and I believe my soul wanted more than my flesh could give it

so I'd been praying, in that challenging pregnancy,

FOR THE LORD TO SHOW HIMSELF TO ME

He did

Not in ways I would've ever ever ever expected

but HE DID

I can honestly say that on Thursday evening, June 30, 2011, 

I was held in my Heavenly Father's arms

Call it silly

Call it magical

Call it make believe

but I was there

and so was He

(He'd been there all along)

It's nice having a moment in time when I felt His presence

and reassurance that, though this path will be hard,

I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.

As I stood up in the tub, after Jack's body was whisked away, along with his Dad

(so glad that David got to ride with him, though they had him sit up front)

I will never forget the tender care of MH and SV

the confusion on the faces of my children, family & friends

and the way my mom seemed so small and vulnerable to me

when she walked in to the bathroom

slumped her shoulders and wept

as I asked her what I was going to do??

I can't remember what we did last weekend (well, I kinda can cuz it included amazing people and coffee) or what I ate two days ago

but I will never ever, in a million years, forget that day, the days that followed,

or the three June 30th's we've had since then.

God is good. That much is true.

His mercies are new EVERY morning.

Now, the story of this little boy holding his hope balloon.

I need to blog about this and I will leave some details out that are such a very important part of 

my healing, only because it's hard to type it all 

Just know that Ashley J., momma to Henry, who is but a few days younger than Jack, and baby Amos

is one heckuva woman.

(back story: Beck worked at Gray Road Christian School with Ashley and so naturally, Ashley heard that Beck's baby nephew died)

Her emails seem to come at JUST the moment I needed to read them 

and this little guy, Jack, she called him, is no different.

At the balloon launch last night, she was there.

Henry and new baby, Amos in tow

She tells me she has something for me

I tell her I'm sorry for sweating all over her (ew, LY, ew)

She tells me the story of the days following Henry's 7/2011 birth, 

bad days, challenging nurses.

Then of a new nurse coming to check on her

bringing hope and comfort. Nurse asks Ashley how she's doing

Ashley responds, "Well, lemme tell you something"

and proceeds to quite possibly cry, unload, and worry

Next day: Ashley wakes up to Henry in a new rolling baby bed

and this little Willow boy holding a HOPE balloon.

Fast forward to 2014, she lays eyes on this little reminder and instantly calls him Jack

She tells me that she knows HOPE isn't Jack's word but oh it is.

for HOPE and JOY go hand in hand.

You can't have one without the other, right?

She tells her husband that she needs to give this to Us and that she will get another one.

She is unwrapping it as she tells me this most precious story

Ashley, hopefully you could tell that I was crying, even though the tears were overtaken by

my profuse sweating.

You touched my heart deeply and I'm so thankful that you shared with me.

so thankful.

I love that Henry hugged my legs

and gave me a kiss before you guys left.

I hope you know that.

I find myself wanting to encourage you at your 3 years in

as a momma.

so if you can, will you send me your snail mail address, to my email?

Love you much.

And you too, Natalie, for taking the time to drive over with two kids 3 and under

And Candace for arranging for your hubby to be home so you could be with us 

And Kellie, bringing your two females and loving us

Myssi, Becca, bringing Greyson's baby sis 

Becky, making sure I had birthday cake yesterday, and plenty of busyness

Melissa and Jordan, for taking video of it all and loving us

Momma, for being my momma

My  Dad, for calling Jack, Jacky-O...so cute

Jill, for most likely skipping some karate to be with us and giving me coffee

Sherry and John, who two days before celebrated Tim's 27th home going day

Kurt, Betsy, Alli, for encouraging us so well

Robin, Bob and girls, for walking this path with us

My brothers, for being super strong but crying when need arises

Kelsie, Mati, Olivia, Megan, Paul, Austin, such good friends to my kids

Piper, Nora, Ryan, Sophie, for being such adorable nieces and nephew

Jamie, Jen, Christie...beautiful friends that make my heart explode

David, Will, Ethan, Mel, Levi, Molly, Jack...for supporting me, praying for me, loving me when I was (and still can be) unloveable. 

I could totally keep going but I need to mow the yard for a bit, tend to Jack's garden and savor life.

I love you all.

Thank you so much.
Know that there are so many words that won't fit here...