no guarantees in this life, as we've come to know....

in true dumb blogger form, my pictures uploaded out of order. I surrender....

Will and Brover

My overwhelming view from the kitchen table last night...it hasn't gotten any better today.  Urgh.

Mel and Brover....this doggy belongs to my friend, Jennifer's younger sister, Rebecca. We wanted to steal him.

This was progress as of Monday....E and I got the roof mostly on today. Who said that putting this up would be quick and easy? Oh, no one? humph. Ethan is working very diligently and waiting patiently for the times that David is available. What a great learning experience for my second born.

This was last week. I think they've grown 4 inches since then. ick.

This was the chicken coop base moving crew. We are so grateful to the 3 Beaman Men (James, Jonathan, and Jacobi) as well as Jared G, Austin K and our guys....I think they were up to no good here.

This is Dr. Jensen. Dr. Jennifer Jensen. She is far too sophisticated and educated for me but she likes me anyways.
She graduated last Saturday and here we are, attending her lil soiree! Congratulations, my Brainy friend.

These pix are painfully outta order. 

Ryan Saldana @redballoonsforryan

Getting this out tonight.

and it will be jumbly and make not a lot of sense but that's ok. that's why this is my blog.

We see this little red haired boy above. That's Ryan...He died tragically last Friday night. He's three. Right now, his parents are the center of a lot of people's attention...it seems in this society/world/ day, when someone suffers great loss/tragedy...we rally around them in the beginning. It's a dance we do.

"Oh, boy...hope that never happens to me" so we donate, take a dinner to the bereaved, pray.....and pray hard that it never ever in a million years happens to us.

Then, month one, month three, month nine, year one....and so on, rolls on by....and occasionally, we think of them, send them a note, cry with them, attend their balloon launches, eat their sad birthday cakes for their "lost" loved one...and go home......(I'm not saying that I haven't had a handful of truly awesome encouragers, people that have openly talked about Jack and acknowledged our painful loss, because I have some great ones)

and let me tell ya, I've been that person. Shudder when you hear the stories....crossing your fingers and praying special prayers to the Lord in heaven. Pleeeeeease, Lord...save me from that.


WHAM! it happens to you. You simply cannot believe that it has, you trust that your Sovereign Heavenly Father has a plan, though at the moment, it seems murky, so sad that your chest caves in, you want to die right along with your sweet babe...people rally around you, just like you used to for them....

and then nuttin'....you hear crickets chirping and the silence is almost deafening....

you still cry, you still say "What if..." or "This is where....." or "If he'd lived, he'd....." and people leave, friends that you thought were in it for the long haul.

Good bye, slam the door....I can't handle you, your sadness or lack thereof, yada yada yada...

Shrug the shoulders.

And trust the Lord in the darkness.

He is the ONLY TRUE THING in this life. I'm learning this, I'm watching my kids learn this. We are learning this with family, friends, our world, stupid politics (barf!), every thing! Faithfully spending time in His Word each day, praying, praying without ceasing, really....and He is there.

Say what you want. People relationships are hard, painful, and never has this been more clear to me than now. It's like a cleansing of sorts...and I'm ok with it. Regrouping, staying put, being the best mom/wife/daughter/sister that I can be by slowing down....doing NOT much. Makes for a lousy friend....so I apologize to my friends.

As I type this, I am listening to Melanie and Levi practice worship songs. I pray that my daughter will never have to know the hurts that I have known....lost friends, lifeless 7 lbs, 7 oz babies, deceit, mistrust, but she will and because she is learning at nearly 16 Who to put her trust in and Who alone is worthy of praise, trust, adoration, I pray she is ok. Keep your eyes on Jesus Christ, Mel....Will, Ethan, Levi, Molly....(remember blog post for another day: how to properly encourage our teenager's. I am hurting for her tonight because in all seriousness, the lack of proper encouragement is daunting)

all that to say, I'm praying so hard for this couple tonight, Jacqui and Dan...little Ryan's parents....the days, months, years ahead will be so hard. Three years out and I still just struggle. I hurt for them. I'll try to add a link tomorrow but for tonight, I'll just thank the Lord for showing Himself. on Instagram, you can go to #redballoonsforryan or @babyboybakery @danno12 @redballoonsforryan or @alissamcircle.