Wednesday, April 30, 2014

34 months ago...

...this was happening. 

Isn't it cool how he didn't really look like a squishy newborn?  He looked like a little one month old dude.
I think I may die looking at these tonight.
I miss this little person so much.

His fourth son

such a precious moment

this is what it means to be HELD

Gramma crying over her 11th grandbabe.
Levi, shocked. Molly, touching

I'd never been so prepared for a baby. Can you believe it?

Momma loves you, Jack Oliver. 

Pressed between the pages of my mind...

Feet too precious for earth.
I've appreciated that saying here and there
But mostly I just think "I'd like for those feet to be on the earth"
And that's not wrong. I grew him, it was hardest pregnancy.
I wanted him to be here.
God didn't need another angel.
But I know that God has other plans.
And someday, they will all make sense.
So I trust Him.
I'm feeling a little bit melancholy tonight. I don't feel like I'm as much "fun" as I used to be, even in the days, months after Jack died. Almost three years out, I am weary.

I'm tired. I'm trying so hard to love people. In order to love people properly, I need to get my heart in tune to the Lord. First things husband, my kids, then our families. I need to love them well. Cherish them well.

I won't lie, I'm a bit burned out on people. Myself first and foremost. I know this is wrong...and God is dealing with me on this. He chastens those He loves. He must really, truly love me. ouch.

Ok, so tonight, my dad reminded me that I hadn't blogged in over ONE MONTH. That is a shame. I've been pondering Jack and our lives since then, all day long. So I wanted to blog about him. While it's fresh in my mind. (as if, right??)

Molly and I are the only ones home tonight. It's kinda weird to imagine that if Jack had lived, he'd be here with us. I miss him so much, my lungs want to collapse tonight. I'm not really weepy, just freakin' sad. I have had mad moments...and then I get over it....teens around us have had babies in the first part of this year and it's hard for me. I hope our families understand that. I want to be joyful for these situations but honestly, I'm not THERE yet. k? I want to like the pix on FB but I'm not there yet.

Our baby, conceived in love/marriage, prayed for, wanted so badly, is NOT here. And I'm ok with that. I really am. But give me a minute to accept these other situations. Know that I'm not sitting over here "JUDGING" but praying. Asking for grace from the Lord. Praying that the first time I am placed in a situation with these sweet, innocent babes, that I can love them and sniff them.

I'm not jealous. I'm not hating. I'm just hurting a lil bit. that's all.

allrighty then....felt I needed to get that off my chest...I need to go color with Molly Moo. I have some funny Moo stories to blog about but I shall wait.

I just want to honor Jack's life. He is important. He lived. Because He lived and died, I will live life fuller and for eternity. Because of him, I have a hard time just accepting things the way they are in this fallen, harsh world. I've seen the world through God's glasses. There is SO SO much more. more than this crap we are inundated with each and every day...




embrace the unseen things.

And thanks for your patience with me as I navigate these choppy, three years out, waters of grief.

I am struggling.
And struggling isn't bad.


Grandma Joanie said...

Laurabelle, Just a note to say we love you and know that the Lord will get you through all of this. Just think how blessed Jack is to be where he is and not having to go through this crummy world. He is up there with Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Buck and many more. What a blessing. We sure do miss that little guy.

Love you, Mom

ashley said...

thinking of you and praying for you often. you are not forgotten, nor is that beautiful baby boy. love to you.

Laurie and company said...

Thanks Momma.

Laurie and company said...

Aww, I miss you, Ashley.

Anonymous said...

Saw this today along with the Duggars' memorial of Jubilee. And, while I really don't have the words there were some similarities
1. They both have J names that are indicative of Joy and praise.
2. You both remember them with butterflies.
3. And, you both manage to praise God through the mourning.


Laurie and company said...

Beautiful, Tory. Thank you for sharing this with me. <3

Laurie and company said...

I also tried to type thank u and love u but blogger wasn't cooperating. Hugs !!

Laurie and company said...

I also tried to type love to u too, Momma, and it wouldn't let me. Soooo, love you.

Laurie and company said...

Love to you and your family, cousin dear!

Jodi said...

I have no words, Laurie, except that I love you very much. And like Ashley are not forgotten. And neither is your sweet little Jack. I saw my first butterfly last week, and you know who I thought of. And prayed for. I love you and miss you.

Tesha Papik said...

Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you! We just had a teenage birth in the family and it is a little hard to swallow. I am still a faithful reader and I miss you blogging. Jack's hair is so sweet and soft looking:)

Laurie and company said...

Love you Jodi.

Laurie and company said...

I want to keep typing but Blogger is not letting now it is but it wasn't! Your words are comforting and I'm grateful.

Laurie and company said...

Hi Tesha!! Can you send me the link to your blog?? I kept losing it and then just stopped blogging but CONGRATS on your newest babe! Love to you, my friend!

Anonymous said...

My dear sweet far away friend,
It is good to see you blogging again, I have missed your posts. I have no magic words to take away all of the struggle and hurt (I wish I did!!) but know that you are not forgotten and are still thought of EVERYTIME I see the word JOY or awesome clouds, etc. I can't fathom the Lord's choice to have Jack fly straight to Jesus, but I know we can trust Him. I love you Laurie and I am praying for you all throughout my day today.
Love and hugs from far away,

Laurie and company said...

Love you, my faraway friend! Thank you for praying.

Jamie Reese said...

Just seeing this tonight. On Bereaved Mother's Day. I'm tired and I'm sad and I want to see Jack's long toes here on earth and I want to see Sully smile his shy smile. I want to feel fun and happy and JOY, but today I'm just sad. Praying for you and remembering Jack the Bear

Annette said...

Oh friend... I am reading this a bit late but on a day where your words resonate deeply with me. I do not understand why those precious tiny feet with those cute little piggy's aren't here running around with dirt between them. As tears swelled up in my eyes as I looked at each picture of your sweet, perfect beautiful little boy, pictures that are proof that he was here, that he lived and that he matters, I was touched by the one that you have captioned "This is what it is to be held" I want you to know you are still held! We have not forgotten you. We have not forgotten the pain of this journey. We have not forgotten your little Jack. And we honor him with you. But most importantly God has not forgotten you. He still holds you at the same time that he holds your sweet baby boy! And it is ok to struggle, it is ok to be sad, to be mad and to struggle with life situations that come up that seem so unfair, such as teenage pregnancy and birth. Its ok to have to step back for a while and focus on yourself and your family. It is ok... wherever you find yourself on this journey almost three years out is ok. I am so thankful that God meets us right where we are! So allow yourself to be where you are today without guilt and let Him meet you there. Love you sweet friend! And love your sweet boy!

Tesha Papik said...