This season of sorrow

Hi.

I don't even know where to begin, I may never feel like a competent blogger again...

For over four months now, I've had so many thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head. I want to honor this season of grief and sadness because that was such a healing part of our journey with Jack and continues to be...now with the death of our first grandchild, Oliver Franklin Young....I will do the same.

It's so freakin' hard. As we approach what should be Ollie's FIRST Thanksgiving and Christmas and Jack's 6th, the wound has been reopened. The practical scab and wanna be scar is always there...

I feel like I tamp emotions down and try to put my head in the game, to "get things done", to "look presentable", to "not make people uncomfortable with death talk"....blah blah blah...

This week, I'm not tamping...I'm crying. I'm tired of it down here...it hurts. People hurt, news hurts, hearing of church shootings, momma's shielding their babies and dying, liberal news media telling us to "shove our prayers up our a**" and how to make sense of all the sheer madness going on around us...even in good ol' Greenwood, Indiana...where everyone is "Christian" but no one is.

"Faith that can't be SEEN is worth NOTHING at all" (so many American "churches")....that stuff will drive a person bonkers....If people can't observe my faith actions, then i'm not doing it...warped. Pharisaical.

Anyways, what was I saying....being a bereaved parent and now grandparent.....shouldn't they send people to classes for this?? It'd be nice to know how to navigate these waters because I don't know how. The only way I know anything is because I find myself at the feet of my Savior every day. Dwelling...getting direction....crying out to Him and He alone is the comfort I need and the truth and mercy I seek. The chastening, the selfless love, perpetual learning is a gift I am so grateful for.

Yes, this year (from Dec 2016 to now even) has been one of the very hardest of my life on earth from family breakdown (not my husband or kids) to Oliver's death, to the departure from our church, the death of John and Sherry, stuff in my own life that I'm being held accountable for regularly, and the list goes on.....and I wouldn't change any of it....I've met some pretty amazing folks along the way...folks that aren't afraid to walk over to me during our worship service and hug me tightly...fellow momma's who know the deep pit of loss...and just watching Joy and Will has been......whew! mind-blowing, to say the least.

I'm trying so hard to make sense of it all and I just don't think I will ever be able to on this side of heaven....learning to lay that down and cherish the people in my life, the ones that stay,  even the ones that eventually leave, the ones that are open to encouragement and dwelling and seek/talk of the very most important part of my life...JESUS CHRIST and what He's done for us. thankful for the seasons of life.

If you read this and you think I am holier than thou or judgmental, don't even. no. I welcome you to come spend time with my family and I. We are a guts on the table, goofy, open to receive accountability, as well as give it kinda group....We are so far from complete...any completion we may seem to have is only because of the Lord and the time we've all spent dwelling with Him.

Keep your eyes heavenward, friends. I so appreciate your thoughts and kind words...I know Will, Joy and the rest of the family do as well. I've decided to do a Christmas card pic this year and will probably write a letter....

Thanks for visiting and thanks for understanding my jumbled thoughts....thanks for praying, loving, caring enough to share, read and pray. We are all eternally grateful.