wonderin' and imaginin' and worshippin'

Remember when Moll used to 1.) suck a binky and 2.) twist her hair up to go to sleep?

this pic of Nora and Moo makes me giggle...just what is going on here?

This week, Jack would've been 27 months old if he'd stayed. I can't help but wonder what he'd be like, what the dynamics of our household would've been and just how much God has changed our perspective because of that sweet little rib tickler's untimely (by our standards, anyway) detour. Would he have been pesky like Molly? overly dramatic? would he have been even more babied than Levi was (is)?

So I sit here, with Molly just babbling away in my ear about this and that, and I'm so thankful for her chatterboxy ways, while the two younger kids wait on my to finish science and history today....I'll just enjoy these pix of our last living kid and imagine her brother in her. minus the magenta and white hair bows and girly clothing....We miss you, Jack.

I was going through our benefits folder this evening, and came upon all of the bills from that time...and it's so strange to see Jack's name on a bill. I would've LOVED to say his name every day (which I do) but maybe possibly yelling it or saying it sternly, or chuckling at his toddler ways and singing him to sleep...You are my Sunshine...my only sunshine...you make me happy when skies are gray...you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away....

ahhhh.

Last Friday evening, I happened upon a manila envelope....it had copies of all the letters we'd written to Jack, to put in his casket. I've been searching for these for nearly 2 years. It also had all the cards from his baby shower, the calendar from 2011 with my little notes about midwife visits and such. The time before everything changed forever. He's not here but because he was, things are richer, more beautiful.

The song "I can see clearly now" plays in my head....far from perfect but full of hope and desire to live life completely in abandon to the Lord. All the things of this world really are strangely dim. I have no desire to spend my time on things that seem to waste my time.

Time is short. I want every breath to count....listen to the song by the Newsboys "Live with Abandon". Or Matt Redman's awesome new song "Your Grace Finds Me".

See if you wanna consume your days with endless television blather, talk of politics, music that is just plain skanky raunch, words that bring death and not life...

Chasing after this world makes me tired
Raising my own name leaves me dry
There's gotta be so much more to life than this
A higher calling that I missed
I want my life to count, every breath

I wanna live with abandon
Give You all that I am
Every part of my heart, Jesus, I place in Your hands.

Drop everything and follow You
It's only Your hands I hold on to
There's gotta be so much more to life than this...

I want my life to count, every breath

Disclaimer: This is where I'm at....I do not expect others to be in the "same place" but I hope that because I've shared this, your desire to serve the Lord will be kindled.

Hope is kindled.
What have you got to lose? Give it all to Him.
If you aren't enjoying your own personal walk with the Lord every day, praying, reading His Word, putting on the things of the Spirit and not of the flesh, then I pray today that you will seek this out.

Because, for me, Jack's life was not in VAIN. His life had purpose. I'm so thankful for him and for the One who sent that wild haired little guy, who I miss so much.

Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.

amen.