last Christmas

David and I, Christmas evening 2010, after sledding. I was pregnant. surely Jack was too small to have put a knot in his cord with all of that sledding, right?

I checked with my midwife...got the ok. obviously, I couldn't lay on my tummy much but she said baby was well insulated. (and I know he was...)

All that to say, today is the 23rd Thursday since Jack left us. I miss you, sweet boy. How cherubic you'd be this Christmas. I have such a hard time with "Baby's First Christmas" stuff and it seems to jump out at me. Jack, I will always keep a remembrance of you, in every room, in every way. You are a part of my life, a part of our lives. You will never ever be forgotten.

most of the time, I can keep myself busy enough but tears, sadness and "what if's" hit when you least expect it.

like walking into a church service. singing "Oh Come, Let us adore him"...Jack wasn't Jesus but he WAS a baby boy like Jesus was. with a mother that loved him and loves him still. tears were just flowing...I wasn't even sobbing, just had tears rollin' down my face...

or when a sweet girl sings Sara Groves' song titled "He's Always Been Faithful"...and you know the hurt she has endured in her young life (her) and now the hurt you've endured in your not so young life (me)...and knowing that God uses these situations, oftentimes hard and sad...to shape and mold us to bring Him glory.  ouch.

I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head today but this is the day that the real holiday rushing seems to kick in...so many events and things calling to us in the next two and a half weeks...trying to breathe, choose JOY, get my cards done, get a letter out to my lovely, caring cousin in NC, calendars made, gifts bought, kids run here and there (one consolation is that Will did PASS his driving test yesterday so he's all set to get his license and that fact, right there, brings this mother a lot of relief...and some anxiety)

So whatever you find yourself doing today, know that whatever you do, do with all diligence and joy, knowing that it brings a smile to the Lord's face. that, right there, is what keeps me going right now...God is teaching me a lot but one of the resounding things is DON'T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY! SMILE! LAUGH!! CHOOSE JOY! it's the only way to go...

Happy sun-shineyThursday..

round two of Christmas pic treasures...

we're losing it here...Molly's face.

see below for explanation. I do think I might have been pinching her here. I dunno...

I think I'm in total shock here...Molly, the one who will wet her pants 10 times a day, had to go to the bathroom. I tried to have her go on a towel (since we were nowhere NEAR a toilet here) and then resorted to telling her to just wet her pants. Yeah...nope, she was NOT going to hear of it. this was one of those moments, where I just had to laugh because I'd cry otherwise. ya gotta admit, she's pretty cute here...

after the bridge pix above, we ventured into the Indiana Gov't Building, and after getting scanned, Molly was able to use their restroom. I asked her in the stall if she could smile now and you should've seen that sweet freckled face light up. 

THIS just might be one of my favorites because Levi and Molly are looking in opposite directions. priceless.

Outside the Eiteljorg Museum. whatcha doin Levi?

funny stuff.

weathering the storms of life together...he's aging well, lovin' the little scruff he has going on. I need help. 2012 will be my year (besides that, this is my last year in my 30's so I shall get myself on track, physically, spiritually, mentally)

I think David was supposed to hold his side of the O and I was to hold the other. we can't even follow directions. ha ha.

even though the evening sun was setting and creating shadows, I be lovin' this picture. love it!

Molly's got the JOY JOY JOY JOY ...

Mel's school pic 11-12

Will's school pic 11-12

Ethan's school pic, 11-12. He's a natural. He also got his hair cut very shortly TODAY. nice. he has great, thick hair though. We haven't figured out how to grow it out and get past the funk stage.

Levi's School pic 11-12. funny kid. 

Molly's pic 11-12. Pre-K

love this gaggle of kiddos.

watch me now...

whoa!

David thought this scenario up all on his own...he's a hoot.

Old Man Winter...

...has stinky breath

Lately so much....

He's nestled safely on the tree now but isn't this Snowbabies ornament, from Tammy O., the cutest little thing ever?

He's really tiny, his face is perfection and he even has a chubby little backside with teeny angel wings. Somehow, that picture didn't make it on here but you can see how small and delicate he is in relation to my phone.

My makeshift ad for my "new" scrapbook venture.

JOY is everywhere...even reflecting on my wall. awww.

I have so many pics that I need to transfer to my computer from my phone...so that will take me a few minutes but wanted to get these pix on here for your viewing pleasure.

Be back later...time for our Advent readings....

round one

umm, who are those big kids flanking us? 

This was our first attempt at taking our annual Christmas card picture...we took it on Thanksgiving last Thursday, which also happened to be 1.)  the 21st Thursday since Jack departed and 2.)  the day that our van was viciously broken into (scumbucket). Tom, you did a nice job...your subjects, well, they were NOT very cooperative.

We tried not to look too fearful but I think a new brand of fear was creeping into my soul this day.

In other news, today is the 22nd Thursday since Sweetie boy died. I can't believe it. I miss him and see pix of other people's babies at the same age and try to close my eyes, imagine what that doll boy would be like...just can't fathom this.

That is a story for another day...I have a few different blog posts that I want to get on here before I forget them forever...let me post them here so that I can remind myself, or so that one of you can remind me, say, in a comment? Tashena? Tory? anyone?

1.)  The amazing JOY/Jack/butterfly gifts that I've received in just the past 3 days.
2.)  Jack's garden
3.)  Hopefully Round #2 of Christmascardpalooza of 2011. I have to say, I just LOVE Levi's face in most of those pics up there...but the last one is my fave. I might have been pinching him. We discovered that we needed to have lighter clothing on for the JOY letters to show up or implement them another way. So we are formulating. Our cards may not get out till closer to Christmas but we are working on them.

Since our van lock was popped, the driver side door will not open now. soooo, I didn't realize how much and effortlessly I hop in and out of our van till this. It's just one more of those things that I'm trying to smile about. Choose JOY ya know?

go check out Ann Voskamp's website at aholyexperience.com . I am loving her book "One Thousand Gifts", even though I read thru it earlier this year. I have a different perspective now (imagine that! gasp!) and discovered her site...which is cool. Check out her Jesse Tree download...that is something we've added to our nightly Advent reading/prayer.

Ok, gotta run...kids need to get to karate but I'll be back.

five months is a long time but not

or should that be knot? isn't it crazy how my mind works? when I say "wrap up the vacuum cord" I think of Jack. I drive myself crrrrazy.

written on the shores of Lake Michigan, 8 days after Jack left us. I still replay his birth over and over in my mind. all day long, here and there.  it never lessens in intensity and hurt. but that is when I feel the hands of God encompass me and I know I will be ok and that Jack Oliver is too.

I do too.. ...not sure what I clicked on, on Pinterest tonight, but this popped up. make your own baby toys. I'd like to.

Five months ago, right now, I was still carrying my very alive baby, Jack Oliver Young, safely in my womb. One would've never ever known that there were to be any complications. I assumed he'd be born vigorously, like his FIVE siblings before, safely, with a midwife in attendance (don't get me started on anyone that says ANY...THING against midwives, homebirth and the like...).

Never has a child been more prayed for. Never had we decided to give any of our children initials that would spell out anything...why now? why is it that everywhere I go, JOY is there? Joy, in the world's sense, doesn't mean the same thing as it does to me. If you see me weeping in the aisles at Menard's or Target, don't fret. I do that a lot lately. that deep, from the bowels sobbing comes up. Baby's First Christmas...Baby's First Thanksgiving. Cherish your babies, k? I want to take all that stuff, those bibs, those outfits and knock the racks over. Or drop kick the mommy who isn't thrilled with her baby, or who lets it cry, cry, cry and ignores him/her to satisfy their own selfishness...sorry.

JOY means that, even though something really sad, horrible, incomprehensible happened on that June 30th day...God can and will still bring JOY in the midst. Especially now, as we remember why we celebrate this season (though as followers of Jesus Christ, we should celebrate the gift of Himself upon that cross on a daily basis...), Mary and that little baby boy. Did she have that foreboding feeling that I did, knowing her Son would die?

I really should go to bed but I'm up preparing Advent stuff, perusing Pinterest (oh my word, that is an amazing website but be careful...it'll suck you in) and I have so many thoughts and plans, ideas and questions rolling around in my bumbly head. I don't ever mean to compare myself to Mary...ever. Just in that we are both mothers, who had babies.

As moms, empathy is so important. I always thought I was empathetic...but now. whoa. pshewwww. empathy = your pain in my heart. I am sure I've got a long way to go in the empathy department.

Tomorrow, home all day. Celebrating home life, my kids, the fact that my husband has work, crafting, schooling, and the missing life of our Sweet     Jack Oliver Young. We miss you so very much, sweetness.

On Sunday, December 11, at 2 p.m., Forest Lawn Memorial Gardens on 135 in Greenwood is having a Memorial service, where the names of each person "entrusted into the care of Forest Lawn" will be read off. You can buy a dove ornament. Appropriately, the ornament says JOY. I am pretty sure no one else's initials are going to be on their ornaments. Just ours. God knew what He was doing when he prodded us to give that boy those noticeable initials.

I will end with this...and I will post pix and full story tomorrow...Kaye B., a girl I used to work with at the Baptist Temple Daycare (from 1991-1992), sent me two bags full of JOY ornaments and decorations that she's been gathering for a while now. I'm crying even just typing this...do you folks even realize what this means? The first ornament I pulled out...well, I'll just post pix and the story tomorrow because I can't see the screen right now.

Good night. Godspeed.

NOTE: wow. I just re-read this. forgive me. I knew my head was a mush-fest but this just proves that I am right about ONE thing. that my head is mush. but I mean every word I said. Love your kids, love your husbands, stay strong. Serving God is worth every little tear that falls. night night.

JOY in the journey

love this wall vinyl from Denise. Thank you, sweet girl! It's right by my scrapbook desk.

sweet scrapbook paper that reminds me of my son. wish he was here. I wonder if his hair would've laid down eventually. I want to sniff his baby head so badly.

Jamie got this beautiful picture for us. shedding fresh tears of gratefulness. As she pointed out, if Sully and Jack had lived, we wouldn't know each other. yes, we want our boys here but we thank the Lord for putting us together.  Thank you, Jamie, for this touching picture. seeing his name makes him seem "legitimate". He was here, he was prayed for, he was wanted and we love him.

Well, Happy Monday to YOU! If your Monday was as rainy and dreary as ours, then Happy may not be the most fitting word. Choosing JOY is a bit harder when the weather bites.

As you know, our van was broken into on Thanksgiving (grrrr!). I called our credit card people and the very nice rep asked me if I wanted to change the look of my card, that they have over 1,000 styles available to choose from...I told her to pick one for me, "surprise me" i told her.

I got my card today.

it has a butterfly on it.

coincidence?

I don't think so.

I think the Lord cares about me enough to send me little reminders that He loves me and that HE alone is in control of things. yeah, bad things happen to reasonably good people...and He uses these situations and seemingly bad things to draw us to Him. I'm being drawn. I don't want to live outside of His plan.

In other van breaking into news...David discovered on Saturday night that the thieves/creepers/jerks did in fact pop our lock. It's not noticeable, especially since we use a remote to open and close the Ol' Grey Mare. Doesn't that just make your skin crawl? yeah, mine too.

Christmas decos are going up slowly...I can't seem to move very quickly, as I stained the entire pool deck on Saturday (bent in half, mind you) and I can hardly move my limbs. Sorry about skipping out on you for an early morning rainy Monday walk, Tashena. I may be able to walk by week's end. but it's doubtful. ha ha.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for taking #1, #3, #4 and #5 home for me tonight....I love you.

Levi stepped on a sewing needle tonight. It was gruesome. He doesn't cope well with stabbing.

Ok, I'm going to take my scattered brain and go put more lights on ye old tree. Hope this finds you warm and snuggly...maybe listening to some Nat King Cole singing about chestnuts and JACK frost...like I am.

Good night and God bless you!

...with arms wide open...

"the babies", as Becky lovingly refers to them. (I love that...)

Scott and Nora

Our family...we aren't sure who the creepy guy with the cigar and long hair is but he kept getting into our pictures. eeek.

Good thing we had Karate Man to protect us...

And the Phantom of the Opera....

Masquerade girl...

Sheesh, there he is again...in all honesty, David always creatively comes up with some costumed character that has everyone laughing. This one, though, has been his creepiest because he played the part so well. Thankfully, he is nothing like this guy in "real life". note: he did NOT smoke this Swisher Sweet...

My God is so Big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do...

gotta love blue frosting...Molly surely does. Nora shows her without flinching....

the Bandy's hosted a Daddy/Daughter Dance last week. David was out of town for his Uncle Kent's memorial so Uncle Tom stepped in. What. A. Guy.

Molly does a mad twirl....

Then a dip...and I don't mean Molly. What fun!!

This pic is  for pure fun....I know these crazy bad things are happening for a reason. But it surely seems as if someone has it out for me and for us. Refiner's Fire is a painful thing sometimes.

 Good Sunday Morning!

I really do not know where to begin. You'd think the pix above would give me a good shoo-in...yeah, no. they are all completely random and most of them were taken by my loving brother, Tom. Thanks Tom...as usual, your pictures are da bomb. Expect to see our family portrait above on our Christmas card this year.

I'm really just at a total and complete loss. Dealing with fear is like dealing with a great big, gigantic, unruly beast. David and the kids went out for a late night Cow Tail run last night and discovered that the driver's side lock was punched out of the door. How we didn't notice or the cop that filed our incident report, I dunno...it's not that obvious and we use our remote to lock/unlock the van. As if taking our purses and identification wasn't ENOUGH. CREEEEEP!

One might start to think that God has it out for us, or someone does. That God is allowing these things to happen to us. I believe that the latter is true. What is He trying to teach us? Complete and total reliance on Him. That this world is NOT my home, I'm just passing thru...people are "crafty" and wicked (I am NOT referring to ANY of my crafty friends...I mean crafty in the evil, space-invading, sneaky sense).

We are to completely and with arms wide open surrender our lives to Him...even when it makes NO sense. and when it hurts. and when there are thieves and robbers out there...which there seem to be a lot of...

So please, let me be an example to you...not of what NOT to do, but of what TO DO. keep going, keep trusting in Christ, keep PRAYING most of all. Because that is what I've been doing.

so I will (fearfully) embrace each day and take it for the gift that it is. (does NOT mean I will get it right most of the time, but that I will put on a JOYful face and bathe the day in prayer). When you see me, I've most likely just had a little crying jag...so forgive the lack of make up, or make up running down my face, or red eyes...or well, you get the picture.

Heaven just keeps getting sweeter every day...