five months is a long time but not

or should that be knot? isn't it crazy how my mind works? when I say "wrap up the vacuum cord" I think of Jack. I drive myself crrrrazy.

written on the shores of Lake Michigan, 8 days after Jack left us. I still replay his birth over and over in my mind. all day long, here and there.  it never lessens in intensity and hurt. but that is when I feel the hands of God encompass me and I know I will be ok and that Jack Oliver is too.

I do too.. ...not sure what I clicked on, on Pinterest tonight, but this popped up. make your own baby toys. I'd like to.

Five months ago, right now, I was still carrying my very alive baby, Jack Oliver Young, safely in my womb. One would've never ever known that there were to be any complications. I assumed he'd be born vigorously, like his FIVE siblings before, safely, with a midwife in attendance (don't get me started on anyone that says ANY...THING against midwives, homebirth and the like...).

Never has a child been more prayed for. Never had we decided to give any of our children initials that would spell out anything...why now? why is it that everywhere I go, JOY is there? Joy, in the world's sense, doesn't mean the same thing as it does to me. If you see me weeping in the aisles at Menard's or Target, don't fret. I do that a lot lately. that deep, from the bowels sobbing comes up. Baby's First Christmas...Baby's First Thanksgiving. Cherish your babies, k? I want to take all that stuff, those bibs, those outfits and knock the racks over. Or drop kick the mommy who isn't thrilled with her baby, or who lets it cry, cry, cry and ignores him/her to satisfy their own selfishness...sorry.

JOY means that, even though something really sad, horrible, incomprehensible happened on that June 30th day...God can and will still bring JOY in the midst. Especially now, as we remember why we celebrate this season (though as followers of Jesus Christ, we should celebrate the gift of Himself upon that cross on a daily basis...), Mary and that little baby boy. Did she have that foreboding feeling that I did, knowing her Son would die?

I really should go to bed but I'm up preparing Advent stuff, perusing Pinterest (oh my word, that is an amazing website but be careful...it'll suck you in) and I have so many thoughts and plans, ideas and questions rolling around in my bumbly head. I don't ever mean to compare myself to Mary...ever. Just in that we are both mothers, who had babies.

As moms, empathy is so important. I always thought I was empathetic...but now. whoa. pshewwww. empathy = your pain in my heart. I am sure I've got a long way to go in the empathy department.

Tomorrow, home all day. Celebrating home life, my kids, the fact that my husband has work, crafting, schooling, and the missing life of our Sweet     Jack Oliver Young. We miss you so very much, sweetness.

On Sunday, December 11, at 2 p.m., Forest Lawn Memorial Gardens on 135 in Greenwood is having a Memorial service, where the names of each person "entrusted into the care of Forest Lawn" will be read off. You can buy a dove ornament. Appropriately, the ornament says JOY. I am pretty sure no one else's initials are going to be on their ornaments. Just ours. God knew what He was doing when he prodded us to give that boy those noticeable initials.

I will end with this...and I will post pix and full story tomorrow...Kaye B., a girl I used to work with at the Baptist Temple Daycare (from 1991-1992), sent me two bags full of JOY ornaments and decorations that she's been gathering for a while now. I'm crying even just typing this...do you folks even realize what this means? The first ornament I pulled out...well, I'll just post pix and the story tomorrow because I can't see the screen right now.

Good night. Godspeed.

NOTE: wow. I just re-read this. forgive me. I knew my head was a mush-fest but this just proves that I am right about ONE thing. that my head is mush. but I mean every word I said. Love your kids, love your husbands, stay strong. Serving God is worth every little tear that falls. night night.

4 weeks ago today...

This painting is called "Prince of Peace" by a young girl named Akiane. it appears in the book I just finished reading called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. I highly recommend this read...and I really like this picture of Jesus Christ.

Jack's temporary name marker...this will go into our Jack Oliver Young Butterfly garden that I'm working on...I really wish they'd put his June 30th date on this as well...

I know I'm long overdue to blog about what happened on June 30, 2011...to let you know, exactly how it came to be that Jack Oliver Young is not on this earth with us but is with his Heavenly Father...but I think I will have to do this slowly...it's pretty overwhelming.

In the respect that it was such a casual day...just laboring around, mowing lawn, taking a walk, seeing my neighbors, floating around in the pool...that was how the day was. I was in contact with my midwife on and off all day. Labor seemed to stall, so to speak, slow down, whatever. If you know me, you know that I have had 5 uncomplicated, textbook natural deliveries...4 of which had been at home with a midwife, Molly's (#5) taking place at the Nurse Midwives Birth Center, though I could've had her at home, or in the car....needless to say...there were no signs that there was any trouble or cessation of life in our 4th son. I felt him that early afternoon after mowing the lawn to help labor along.

Becky came down and David, the kids and I swam on and off, ate lunch, swam some more, timed contractions...which was weird because they were not painful. just slightly uncomfy, which was not the case with any of my other labors. so of course, I would not have made haste to get midwife there any sooner. Or if I was having a hospital birth, I wouldn't have even been there yet, that is how low key the labor seemed to be going. I figured it'd be later that night..

At 4 p.m. or so, Beck left and I came in to shower, get dressed and such. We'd been on the phone with midwife around this time, asking her to come check and hope that something would get going with an exam. Once I got inside, the labor kick started and boom...off we went...We then touched base with her again, saying that we definitely needed her to get here, since transition came on without warning. I labored in the garden tub and became very, very scared, nervous, freaked out...I'd been a bit more apprehensive this time around, not because of any signs with Jack or the midwife...just general anxiety. In reading back thru my journal of the past 10 months, I mentioned this a lot, even going so far as to say back in March that I "really hope you aren't tangling yourself up in your cord..." I was very scared for delivery...even though I've made it thru 5 times before with no trouble...

Ahhh, MH showed up, I writhed in pain and felt the urge to push...in her calm, confident way, she said "Go with it..." Push...

David looked into the tub to see what happened and uh oh...that doesn't look like a head...She checked and yelled for someone to call 911!! Instant fear...what is it? (still thinking in my head that things were going to be ok, even if they weren't right now...)

That's the cord, Laurie, you've got to get this baby out NOW! legs shoved back, my head smashing into who knows what, and MH trying to hold cord up inside of me....prolapsed cord, not good...

Jack Oliver Young came out in less than two minutes...up on my chest. limp. I can still feel his little body on me and it makes me shudder to recall it. I have always loved that feeling, when you get to the end of a pregnancy, go thru labor and it hurts but the end prize is that little body being put on your chest and crying and nothing hurts anymore and all you feel is LOVE. I felt it..I loved that boy...I love that boy.

oooh, look, a true knot, six inches down from his belly...two accidents of birth...one, you could maybe survive but not two...it was like a double whammy.

No life...but we hoped. I played with his sweet little feet, MH got the oxygen on him and Summer (assistant) began chest compressions.

All the while...I'm up above the room, observing this hellish scene...feeling so bad for the people that are living thru this obvious sadness...not believing that this kind of thing happens. out of body experience for sure...

I was yelling "C'mon Jack...you can do it...breeeeathe" ....I kept looking down at his little face, so cute, such a chubby little David chin and at his amazing hair...little tufts of cuteness and I even thought..."Well, good...all of that horrible heart burn was NOT in vain..." at his hands and long feet and toes...perfect in every way...he had David and Will's slender build...

I remember vividly looking up into MH's eyes and they were wide open...and she was shaking her head NO....to me or to herself, I don't know...

Paramedics from Waverly Volunteer Fire Dept. arrived and knew nothing...took up space...

a few minutes later, the real paramedic arrived and took sweet Jack from us. David went with them, holding out hope that he'd take a breath. so many thoughts run thru my head of how that could've gone.

I'm still trying to make sense of what happened. And that it happened at all. There was NO negligence on anyone's part...I had full prenatal care with one of the most caring midwives around, took care of myself just as I have with my other children...If anyone out there wants to slam home-birth and midwifery care, just look up the statistics. (the very day before, remember, I had my last prenatal and she listened to his heart for 15 minutes and it was strong and steady...and remember, he moved away from her hand on examination...he was very alive!!)

don't even go there.

not with me...I stand behind the midwifery model of care and hope my daughters and sons' wives will choose to deliver their children this same way...As David so eloquently put it, he'd made a decision while standing outside of the bathroom, listening to the paramedic do the chest compressions, not to question me (Laurie), our midwife, God or himself. We went down a path that we'd gone down before...life is risky. life is fragile.

Midwives got me cleaned up and out to the living room. David called after a bit to say that Jack was pronounced dead at 6:41 p.m. Just could not believe it...there is NO way that our baby did not make it. Jack was born straight into Jesus' arms. He is considered stillborn, even though I felt him moving in my womb that VERY day...how is one supposed to process this?

I don't question God...but I have had moments of anger...and questioning. but I always come back around to the good things...Jack will never get stung by a wasp, as Levi did so violently today. He will never get bullied, or have the flu, or have to deal with me when I'm cranky. Heaven knows he dealt with that enough while cradled in my womb...He is with the Lord, being loved on by Him, and my relatives and friends that have gone on before. I really hope that he is even getting to hear Keith Green sing praises, alongside Rich Mullins.

Ok, back to the story....Becky, Melanie, Tammy, Uncle John, Aunt Sherry, Will, Molly and Levi began our sad trek to Community South Hospital (David had gone in ambulance, Ethan and my Mom left before us to be there with David. My Dad was home, not feeling well, Tom was in California with Andy)...I will continue this later...I am thankful for the people that took such incredible care of us there...but that will be the next installment. thank you for continuing to pray for us. Settling into the "new normal" is very challenging. I'm not ok but I am. We so appreciate the meals, cards, care, prayers...I know that the prayers and petitions of brothers and sisters in Christ is doing wonders...I love you.

Ok, here are some harvest party highlights...and some serious Laurie babbling. You've been warned!

David does a good hippie, ay?
Pinata action...led by the hippie dude
Nick and Natalie: Magician and his bunny from
his hat trick....how cute and original??

We caught us a mermaid (Nora)... Piper in the catwalk show...as Princess Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty....

I really didn't take as many pix as I should've...I'm such a loser that way....:) Nora and Molly had the same costume but I didn't put Molly in hers at all that night. She slept thru most of the event. I was a Goth (no picture to prove that though)...my friend Sherry was as well but she has forbidden me from posting her pic....and being the good, obedient friend that I am, have obeyed..for now. The party was great though...thanks to all who participated! You know who you are..

Will was a cowboy, E. was a WWII soldier, Mel was a mini-Goth, and Levi was supposed to be a monkey but wouldn't keep his garb on! Again, really no pix to prove any of that and yes, you can harass me about that...I get too overwhelmed in moments like these and lose control.

right now, it's 12:45 a.m. I should so totally be in bed. We have a crazy busy day with speech club and hanging with some awesome friends etc but here I sit. I've been going through albums, reminiscing like the nerd that I am. Just getting myself all verklempt, thanking the Lord for the rich blessings He has given to me...and it overwhelms me to think how good He has been to me over the years of my life. (I'm getting so choked up right now...the Nat King Cole song I have on repeat, "Stardust", does not help my melancholy mood)...I have such an awesome family, Mom, Dad, Tom, Andy and his crew, my sister, who I would truly be lost without and just can't fathom how other women go with out a close relationship with their sisters...her family, the good, God-fearing folks (friends and fam alike) that we know and love. Man, it is just too much! I have one rockin' hubby, we will celebrate 14 years of marriage on Nov. 27, and just how good he is to his children and I! Yeah, he's intense and all that deep stuff, but such a source of encouragement and strength for me!! He is a kick butt dad too. It's too much for this peanut head to comprehend. and then my kids??? o my gosh. little walking pieces of heaven right here on earth. I take them so totally for granted and I pray the Lord forgives me for that and gives me the strength to overcome my selfish ways. I need to stop being such a yeller. waaaaaaaaaaaaaa I could so go on here but will not. I want you to keep coming back.....:)

I want to encourage you, whoever you are, to love (an act of the will, selfless) your family, love your friends, tell them how much they mean to you. and then, like I need to do, quit taking them for granted and show them just how much they truly mean to you, even when it's not convenient or easy. Quit snipping at them (I'm talking to myself here). Words and tones can be so painful. mood swings are so painful...I know. I do it DAILY! you can see the hurt on their faces when it spews out...ouch. venom to the soul. puts a damper on pretty much everything.

Sorry for the sermon. not really. it's my blog though so deal with it...you know I love y'all. All of this came from wandering down memory lane and visiting our wedding albums and listening to this Nat song, it's from Sleepless in Seattle (which was out the summer before we wed and I listened to this album when I was living in D's parents basement, missing my fam back here etc blah blah blah), when Tom Hanks is missing his dead wife and she is suddenly there on their couch...this song is playing. It's a classic...man, can this dude sing. over and over too. ( I have that soundtrack on as well as AOL radio).

Life is too short, soak it up...before you know it, your kids will be 13 like my big boy...it's spiraling away from me. Where did that newlywed 20 year old girl go?? I can't find her. (Plus she was a size 9 back then, so that is quite confusing....)

Good night, one and all. Thanks for letting me unload. Beck, hope your 3rd day back in the workforce is the best yet...hey, it's HUMP DAY!! I can't believe I haven't seen you yet this week. Happy Wednesday y'all!! (now on Radio AOL, Johnny Mathis is singing "Misty"....I'm gettin' misty) gotta run to bed before I get goin' again....ahhhhhhhh. peace.