five months is a long time but not

or should that be knot? isn't it crazy how my mind works? when I say "wrap up the vacuum cord" I think of Jack. I drive myself crrrrazy.

written on the shores of Lake Michigan, 8 days after Jack left us. I still replay his birth over and over in my mind. all day long, here and there.  it never lessens in intensity and hurt. but that is when I feel the hands of God encompass me and I know I will be ok and that Jack Oliver is too.

I do too.. ...not sure what I clicked on, on Pinterest tonight, but this popped up. make your own baby toys. I'd like to.

Five months ago, right now, I was still carrying my very alive baby, Jack Oliver Young, safely in my womb. One would've never ever known that there were to be any complications. I assumed he'd be born vigorously, like his FIVE siblings before, safely, with a midwife in attendance (don't get me started on anyone that says ANY...THING against midwives, homebirth and the like...).

Never has a child been more prayed for. Never had we decided to give any of our children initials that would spell out anything...why now? why is it that everywhere I go, JOY is there? Joy, in the world's sense, doesn't mean the same thing as it does to me. If you see me weeping in the aisles at Menard's or Target, don't fret. I do that a lot lately. that deep, from the bowels sobbing comes up. Baby's First Christmas...Baby's First Thanksgiving. Cherish your babies, k? I want to take all that stuff, those bibs, those outfits and knock the racks over. Or drop kick the mommy who isn't thrilled with her baby, or who lets it cry, cry, cry and ignores him/her to satisfy their own selfishness...sorry.

JOY means that, even though something really sad, horrible, incomprehensible happened on that June 30th day...God can and will still bring JOY in the midst. Especially now, as we remember why we celebrate this season (though as followers of Jesus Christ, we should celebrate the gift of Himself upon that cross on a daily basis...), Mary and that little baby boy. Did she have that foreboding feeling that I did, knowing her Son would die?

I really should go to bed but I'm up preparing Advent stuff, perusing Pinterest (oh my word, that is an amazing website but be careful...it'll suck you in) and I have so many thoughts and plans, ideas and questions rolling around in my bumbly head. I don't ever mean to compare myself to Mary...ever. Just in that we are both mothers, who had babies.

As moms, empathy is so important. I always thought I was empathetic...but now. whoa. pshewwww. empathy = your pain in my heart. I am sure I've got a long way to go in the empathy department.

Tomorrow, home all day. Celebrating home life, my kids, the fact that my husband has work, crafting, schooling, and the missing life of our Sweet     Jack Oliver Young. We miss you so very much, sweetness.

On Sunday, December 11, at 2 p.m., Forest Lawn Memorial Gardens on 135 in Greenwood is having a Memorial service, where the names of each person "entrusted into the care of Forest Lawn" will be read off. You can buy a dove ornament. Appropriately, the ornament says JOY. I am pretty sure no one else's initials are going to be on their ornaments. Just ours. God knew what He was doing when he prodded us to give that boy those noticeable initials.

I will end with this...and I will post pix and full story tomorrow...Kaye B., a girl I used to work with at the Baptist Temple Daycare (from 1991-1992), sent me two bags full of JOY ornaments and decorations that she's been gathering for a while now. I'm crying even just typing this...do you folks even realize what this means? The first ornament I pulled out...well, I'll just post pix and the story tomorrow because I can't see the screen right now.

Good night. Godspeed.

NOTE: wow. I just re-read this. forgive me. I knew my head was a mush-fest but this just proves that I am right about ONE thing. that my head is mush. but I mean every word I said. Love your kids, love your husbands, stay strong. Serving God is worth every little tear that falls. night night.

JOY in the journey

love this wall vinyl from Denise. Thank you, sweet girl! It's right by my scrapbook desk.

sweet scrapbook paper that reminds me of my son. wish he was here. I wonder if his hair would've laid down eventually. I want to sniff his baby head so badly.

Jamie got this beautiful picture for us. shedding fresh tears of gratefulness. As she pointed out, if Sully and Jack had lived, we wouldn't know each other. yes, we want our boys here but we thank the Lord for putting us together.  Thank you, Jamie, for this touching picture. seeing his name makes him seem "legitimate". He was here, he was prayed for, he was wanted and we love him.

Well, Happy Monday to YOU! If your Monday was as rainy and dreary as ours, then Happy may not be the most fitting word. Choosing JOY is a bit harder when the weather bites.

As you know, our van was broken into on Thanksgiving (grrrr!). I called our credit card people and the very nice rep asked me if I wanted to change the look of my card, that they have over 1,000 styles available to choose from...I told her to pick one for me, "surprise me" i told her.

I got my card today.

it has a butterfly on it.

coincidence?

I don't think so.

I think the Lord cares about me enough to send me little reminders that He loves me and that HE alone is in control of things. yeah, bad things happen to reasonably good people...and He uses these situations and seemingly bad things to draw us to Him. I'm being drawn. I don't want to live outside of His plan.

In other van breaking into news...David discovered on Saturday night that the thieves/creepers/jerks did in fact pop our lock. It's not noticeable, especially since we use a remote to open and close the Ol' Grey Mare. Doesn't that just make your skin crawl? yeah, mine too.

Christmas decos are going up slowly...I can't seem to move very quickly, as I stained the entire pool deck on Saturday (bent in half, mind you) and I can hardly move my limbs. Sorry about skipping out on you for an early morning rainy Monday walk, Tashena. I may be able to walk by week's end. but it's doubtful. ha ha.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for taking #1, #3, #4 and #5 home for me tonight....I love you.

Levi stepped on a sewing needle tonight. It was gruesome. He doesn't cope well with stabbing.

Ok, I'm going to take my scattered brain and go put more lights on ye old tree. Hope this finds you warm and snuggly...maybe listening to some Nat King Cole singing about chestnuts and JACK frost...like I am.

Good night and God bless you!

JOY earrings...

I know it's hard to see the tiny pictures, maybe you can click on it and it will enlarge it.

So I'm getting all crafty yo and making JOY earrings. I love David's silhouette in the background. Mr. Elliptical Man.




Happy, gushy Monday to you. I love all this rain. On Monday. with a torn up driveway that gushes mud all. over. the. place. but enough about that. I will blog those pix in a minute.

Today would have been Sullivan R's first birthday. I spent a good portion of my day praying, crying and thinking of my friend, Jamie, his momma.  As I said on yesterday's post, I can't tell you if I've ever officially met her in person. I know her sister, Sandy, and cousin, Stephanie. I went to the same church as her for about 8 months. We connected on Facebook because of our losses. Sweet Sully met Jesus on Jan 11, 2011 and Sweet Jack met Jesus on June 30, 2011.  I am really looking forward to meeting up with her tomorrow, giving her a big ol' hug and just listening to her talk of her angel boy. I think we are meeting downtown and will either take in sights at the zoo or the canal. I hear the weather is supposed to be favorable.

In 10 days, it will be the 3 month mark. Looking at the pix, which I see here and there daily, brings the pain of this loss to the surface daily. I want to know what his eyes look like. I bet they would've been beauties just like Molly's (and Will's, Ethan's, Melanie's, and Levi's).

that is one of the facts that haunts me. I'm sure they were open that very day...I'd like to think he was looking around as they say babies do in utero...in anticipation of finally meeting us face to face. So close.

and then I start floating.

On FB tonight, my status update read something like this...didn't Gerber, Pampers, Enfamil and all these local photographers get the memo that my baby did not make it? I got an envelope today. It looked kind of important, maybe like it had $1,000 in it. Yeah, no...it was a 3 page, really nice add from a Bloomington photog guy, offering me a newborn photo shoot for my new baby. Where did he get my address? If I hadn't been feeling so sorry for myself, I'd have felt horrible for tossing the nice presentation he sent. Sorry Kip May...I'm sure you do a wonderful job capturing all those beautiful new moments. And I may have even given you a chance, if Jack was here.

so, tonight, whatever you are doing, send up a prayer for hurting momma's and daddy's like Jamie, like David and I, like others that I won't mention. We could really use the peace that passes all understanding. I know Jamie would appreciate it.

And maybe someday, these posts will make some sense. Until they do, thanks so much for your patience and for coming around 

to where you are...

May 18, 2011
still can't believe our baby isn't here. still hasn't sunk in.


Today has been weird. but good. driveway work is underway and oh, what a mess. piles and piles of dirt and tree roots.

I was so busy throughout most of the daytime that I barely had time to grasp that Jack's not here.

I got in the car to run a few errands, by myself...and it hit me. like it always does.

I should have a baby seat in the row of seats behind me. I miss you, JackYoung the Brave.

So, let me get on my soap box. for just a minute...for myself just as much...

CHERISH, hug, kiss, smile at, apologize to your loved ones. Only one life...and it's a twinkle of an eye.

I was enjoying some time with my dear friend, Jennifer P tonight...we rarely, if ever, get to just sit and chat. She's a mother of 6. I'm mothering five. In fact, her and I sat right here in my living room, early in the summer of 2010 and "planned", if you will, our sixth babies. When she found out her March 2011 baby was a girl and my June 2011 baby was a boy, you'd better believe we were matchmaking. She was even on call to be at Jack's birth.

She came to the hospital that sadly holy June evening when my boy took flight on eagle's wings to Christ. (Insert Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, Frodo and Samwise on big eagle music here. it'll knock your socks, or flip flops, off)

All that to say, this girl is dear to me...and I am thankful for the encouragement of a fellow momma. We both got teary eyed recalling how quickly our kids are growing.

Thank you, Jen, for taking the time out of your motherly duties to be with me tonight. Thank you for stressing the importance of spending one on one time with each of my kids. I am blessed to call you my friend and love you, dear sister.

I really could go on but tomorrow, David, our kids, my sis and her family as well as Amanda and Maria, will be visiting the Caribbean Cove water park. I need to get rested up for all that slip sliding and such.


Edit: We are not going to slip n slide fun today. this is for future reference when I try to recall this event when looking back on my blog. 

Finding JOY in the Unexpected...

I got this necklace from my friend, Ewa (pronounced Eh-vah), who is from Poland. She goes to Calvary Chapel with us. Her husband, Jason, is our worship leader. He played guitar at Jack's Celebration. They have 3 beautiful homeschooled kids. I love them. She presented me with this beauty on Sunday.

She was a little worried because it is a necklace that she's worn faithfully for a few years now. She thought I'd think it was weird to give me a "hand-me-down". Oh Contrar (how DO you spell that??)...I was speechless. Still kinda am. Thank you, so much, Ewa. I just love it.

I get a welling in my gut when I think on Jack's initials, the attribute that we prayed God would bring us with Jack's life. And all the kind things people do for us to show us they too are seeking JOY and remembering how special it is to have JOY and just how important Jack's life was.

I stand in awe.

A title would be nice here...

Jack pillow.

a precious wall hanging.

my new journal. How many of you journal regularly? I know I do.
I have, almost regularly, since David and I got married. It's fun to read thru the ones from 1994, when my handwriting was still pretty nice. Then kids came along and it went down hill. :)
If you don't journal, you should start now. I know my kids will appreciate reading thru them when I'm gone.
Just keepin' it real.

Good Saturday morning!
I'm going to grumble for just a minute.
I love fall, autumn, chilly days.
and even some clouds now and again.
But seven straight days of it?

ok, I'm done now.

I will choose JOY in the midst of it.

I am very frustrated. At this time last year, we had been praying that the Lord would close or open the door on one last baby for our family.
He obviously sorta opened it.
And then closed it.
it is hard to come to grips with a chapter of one's life closing.
(I can't believe I'm not taking care of Jack...what I'd give to snuggle him, smell his amazing head and breath...ahhhhhh)

This is where I find my identity and have for almost the last 17 years, since Will arrived on the scene. I know, essentially, that being a mother is just ONE of my roles.

When you live and breathe babies, kids, tweens, teens for so long, I guess it's not hard to do that. (find identity there, that is)

I am still mom to Will Franklin, Ethan James, Melanie Kate, Levi Taylor, Molly Christine, and sweet angel Jack Oliver. Always will be.

What will become of me when they all go and get their own lives? I hope they will include me and David. I want to be a loving, Godly grandparent.

I wonder if I should go to college? What would I even go to college for? I'm really good at bum wiping, nose wiping, fight breaking up, facebooking, blogging, laundry, scrapbooking but I don't know that there is a degree for those mad "skills" ya know?

so that is where I'm at today...in between thoughts of cleaning, sweet Jack, sick kids, what should I do? I think the Lord might be taking me to the "next level".

Whatever that may be.


Let me leave you with this, as a friend on Facebook so creatively shared with me...
Just A Child of the King.
Jack's name makes an amazing acronym!

Let's not forget that that is our best role and most eternal.
God bless you today.

Little bits of here and there...

My friend, Jamie, from Illinois, sent me this card. Her sweet little baby, Sully, is also in Heaven. Hugs to you today, my hurting friend. I will get to meet her in person, in a few weeks. She knew David when he was a lad.
I think I will have to visit the listed website to find out about this sculpture. www.themidnightorange.com



Livin' the JOY-filled life. hmmm.
It's really kinda fun to fumble my way around each day, in the name of JOY. Please help me, O Lord!


Jack would be 10 weeks old today (yesterday actually). He'd be smiling at us, maybe sleeping thru the night, and looking beautiful in red, just as all of my babies have. I had gotten him a cute little shirt with 3 tiny trucks across the chest. It's red. I couldn't wait to see him in it, though I think I knew when I bought it, that I never would. It sits, in one of many piles of adorable duds, in the changing table that has become a gathering table of sorts. The Darth Vader, "Let's Carve Pumpkins" shirt will go into a box for Will or Ethan's sons. I miss you, sweet angel boy.

I know years from now, I will look back on this strangely horrifying time and see God's hand. I can even see it now, in little everyday moments. But I can't see the big picture. I know He's working, chipping away at my old self. ouch.

I just don't feel ok. I steer clear of babies. I struggle with pregnant women. I am really surprised at how much that affects me. I asked my midwife if that was normal. yes. it's only been two months. an eternity and not.

too fresh. maybe when my arms don't ache so badly.
Maybe when replaying June 30, 2011 doesn't invade every hour of my day.
Until then, I forge ahead.

Ok, now that I got that outta my system, here's a little update:
1.)  Dealing with insurance (such a scam) to get Jack enrolled, so we can cover the bills that are starting to trickle in. We have to appeal a 30-day time period, that we missed in the fog of July, to record his birth/death to Healthscope. How do you call your insurance company and tell them to please put your baby on your plan, even though he didn't make it? always makes for awkward transactions.
2.)  Remind me to tell you about the gas line in our front yard.
3.) The kids are doing so well with their school, at home and at their various places of instruction. White River Home Educators for all 5 and Southside Christian Homeschool Academy for Science for the three oldest, World Lit and Comp for Will and E. Mondays and Thursdays are crazy days. crazy crazy. Someday, when all the driving and here and there is over, you can remind me that I miss it.

Mel and I took an early morning walk. I need to get on the tready to finish up my mileage but I will be back later with some pix that Tom took of the kids downtown, Labor Day.
Chow.

addendum: wow. I'm all over the place. this is a good reminder though. I have never ever felt so scatterbrained in my life. I thought I was bad before grief. sheesh.