This time last year

This time last year, we were enduring very dry soccer. But it was so cool to see Will in peak form. This boy was made for soccer.

I had shorter hair and my arms were starting to trim down (for me, anyways)

Go Will. 

This time last year, we were a family of 7. Little did we know that one month later, we'd find out that the 8th member would be joining us. This pic was taken by my brother at Greenfield Village in MI.



David and I enjoyed our FIRST getaway, just the two of us, with no intent to work or anything other than relax and spend time TOGETHER, this past weekend. I hope to blog some of those pix when I get them downloaded off of my phone.




It's funny because I always have some form of a blog post rolling around in my jumbly head.

I cannot believe how foggy, scattered, mushy, rambly my head and thoughts are.

All that to say, HI. I had a great blog post in my head while Mel and I walked yesterday afternoon. But sitting here, I can't even begin to retrieve what it was. And I always think "This one is sooooo good, there is NO way I will ever forget it!!"

Yeah, I did.

So you're stuck with this boring, This time last year post.

We are about to embark on our year of firsts. or nine months of firsts.

1.)  On October 16th, 2010 (Will's 16th birthday no less) I found out I was expecting. We went to a soccer game down south that day. This day will be hard. not only because Jack took a detour to a much better place but because my firstborn will be turning SEVENTEEN.

That just sounds OLD.

2.)  Thanksgiving weekend of 2010 was when I officially told people, on FB or on my blog that we were crazy and expecting. I was over the moon, aside from the nausea and general foreboding.

3.)  Last Christmas, I went sledding. while 14 weeks pregnant. My midwife said I could. I remained pretty active in the beginning. I can't help but think that my spastic lifestyle put a knot in Jack's cord. I also had visions of sugar plums and plump babies for this Christmas of 2011, for Jack would be 6 months old.

I know it seems that I dwell on him. And I think I'm allowed to. It was only 3 months ago...13 weeks tomorrow. I am a mom to five living, healthy, awesome, beautiful, intelligent kids and one angel baby. I don't ever want my kids or you to think that I don't (try to) cherish each day with my five alive. They are gifts to me.

I can't help but imagine what Jack would be doing as we come up to what would have been his 3 month mark. This blog is definitely a place where I can put my thoughts...I know I won't always be in this place. Which could be good or sad.

I should probably take his crib down. but I don't wanna. I should probably take his changing table down, but I think I'm doing good just to have emptied it into a rubbermaid tote, marked Jack Oliver Young - 6.30.11. I cry for you, little wild haired wonder boy.

I will always wonder about my 4th son, 6th child. I will look forward to the day where I will see his sweet face, opened eyes, and hear his voice. I don't have to wonder about his siblings. Praise the Lord.

I am blessed. I am truly blessed.

I have to go...gotta get some pix downloaded, get some kids on task, and spend some time in prayer and in God's Word. I hope that you are having a wonderful Wednesday...

Driveway Dig Up and oh what a delight!

this was last Thursday, if I remember correctly...

and so was this. but who can remember details like those?

well, there is our gas line...I know I still haven't blogged about that but you can imagine that just the fact that I'm even mentioning it is not good. David knicked it on THURSDAY (our least favorite day of the week), Sept 8...and we are waiting, anxiously, for our Vectren bill to show up. oh boy.

some progress...

This drive will be level. 

weird, huh?

Uncle John and Uncle Vincey, planning how they will conquer that darned tree stump. Notice Jack's sweet garden right behind it.

Don't look at me like that, boy. Vince doubted his mad back ho skills but we did NOT. This guy can do just about anything he sets his mind to.

Uncle John

Our poor canopy toppled...

Saturday: Vince in the bucket, on his way to trim a pesky tree branch.

Whatta guy...

I will have more pix on this latest adventure at our house but for now, I must close my eyes and go to the place where my troubles melt away like lemon drops...


Good night and God bless you...

JOY earrings...

I know it's hard to see the tiny pictures, maybe you can click on it and it will enlarge it.

So I'm getting all crafty yo and making JOY earrings. I love David's silhouette in the background. Mr. Elliptical Man.




Happy, gushy Monday to you. I love all this rain. On Monday. with a torn up driveway that gushes mud all. over. the. place. but enough about that. I will blog those pix in a minute.

Today would have been Sullivan R's first birthday. I spent a good portion of my day praying, crying and thinking of my friend, Jamie, his momma.  As I said on yesterday's post, I can't tell you if I've ever officially met her in person. I know her sister, Sandy, and cousin, Stephanie. I went to the same church as her for about 8 months. We connected on Facebook because of our losses. Sweet Sully met Jesus on Jan 11, 2011 and Sweet Jack met Jesus on June 30, 2011.  I am really looking forward to meeting up with her tomorrow, giving her a big ol' hug and just listening to her talk of her angel boy. I think we are meeting downtown and will either take in sights at the zoo or the canal. I hear the weather is supposed to be favorable.

In 10 days, it will be the 3 month mark. Looking at the pix, which I see here and there daily, brings the pain of this loss to the surface daily. I want to know what his eyes look like. I bet they would've been beauties just like Molly's (and Will's, Ethan's, Melanie's, and Levi's).

that is one of the facts that haunts me. I'm sure they were open that very day...I'd like to think he was looking around as they say babies do in utero...in anticipation of finally meeting us face to face. So close.

and then I start floating.

On FB tonight, my status update read something like this...didn't Gerber, Pampers, Enfamil and all these local photographers get the memo that my baby did not make it? I got an envelope today. It looked kind of important, maybe like it had $1,000 in it. Yeah, no...it was a 3 page, really nice add from a Bloomington photog guy, offering me a newborn photo shoot for my new baby. Where did he get my address? If I hadn't been feeling so sorry for myself, I'd have felt horrible for tossing the nice presentation he sent. Sorry Kip May...I'm sure you do a wonderful job capturing all those beautiful new moments. And I may have even given you a chance, if Jack was here.

so, tonight, whatever you are doing, send up a prayer for hurting momma's and daddy's like Jamie, like David and I, like others that I won't mention. We could really use the peace that passes all understanding. I know Jamie would appreciate it.

And maybe someday, these posts will make some sense. Until they do, thanks so much for your patience and for coming around 

Sully

Sullivan

This little cutie pie is Sully. There is a long story associated with him and I am not at liberty to share.

Here's how I know of Sully.

I married David Young, who grew up in Danville, Illinois. He went to church at Calvary Baptist. He was friends with Sandy and Jamie R. When I married him in 1993, I acquired some great friends, though it's been way too long since I've seen Sandy. Jamie is her older sister. I did not know her while I lived in Illinois for 8 short months from December 1993-August 1994. We may have smiled at each other at church, and I may have met her but I've lost lots of brain cells since then. and I was struggling to keep them even then.

Jamie was this little guy's momma. He left this earth and went to Jesus on January 11, 2011.

Tomorrow, September 19, 2011, would have been his first earthly birthday. Instead, he celebrates and worships the Lord Jesus Christ. I'd like to think he's hanging with Jack Oliver. Showing him the ropes and in's and out's of Glory. You are missed, sweet Sully boy. I will get to meet his momma, Jamie, officially, sadly, joyously, this coming Tuesday and we will talk of our sweet boys. We share a sad bond but one that I know the Lord will use and has used.

To bring comfort, peace, JOY, and encouragement.

God bless you and give you big hugs, Jamie.

to where you are...

May 18, 2011
still can't believe our baby isn't here. still hasn't sunk in.


Today has been weird. but good. driveway work is underway and oh, what a mess. piles and piles of dirt and tree roots.

I was so busy throughout most of the daytime that I barely had time to grasp that Jack's not here.

I got in the car to run a few errands, by myself...and it hit me. like it always does.

I should have a baby seat in the row of seats behind me. I miss you, JackYoung the Brave.

So, let me get on my soap box. for just a minute...for myself just as much...

CHERISH, hug, kiss, smile at, apologize to your loved ones. Only one life...and it's a twinkle of an eye.

I was enjoying some time with my dear friend, Jennifer P tonight...we rarely, if ever, get to just sit and chat. She's a mother of 6. I'm mothering five. In fact, her and I sat right here in my living room, early in the summer of 2010 and "planned", if you will, our sixth babies. When she found out her March 2011 baby was a girl and my June 2011 baby was a boy, you'd better believe we were matchmaking. She was even on call to be at Jack's birth.

She came to the hospital that sadly holy June evening when my boy took flight on eagle's wings to Christ. (Insert Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, Frodo and Samwise on big eagle music here. it'll knock your socks, or flip flops, off)

All that to say, this girl is dear to me...and I am thankful for the encouragement of a fellow momma. We both got teary eyed recalling how quickly our kids are growing.

Thank you, Jen, for taking the time out of your motherly duties to be with me tonight. Thank you for stressing the importance of spending one on one time with each of my kids. I am blessed to call you my friend and love you, dear sister.

I really could go on but tomorrow, David, our kids, my sis and her family as well as Amanda and Maria, will be visiting the Caribbean Cove water park. I need to get rested up for all that slip sliding and such.


Edit: We are not going to slip n slide fun today. this is for future reference when I try to recall this event when looking back on my blog. 

Cousin fun boo yah

Ethan is like the Pied Piper of little kids...they gravitate to him. Go E!!

 

On my mom's side of the family tree, these are  almost all of my Grandma Taylor's great grand daughters, minus my niece, Phebe. that's a lotta X's and Y's.

My BIL, Scott, hanging with my cousins Ken, stripes, and Scott, red.

The four chickies in the front row?? yeah, all born between May and August of 2007. A very girly reproductive year for the fam. L to R starting with Miss Polka dots, Nora (Beck & Scott's second daughter), Molly (our second daughter), Evie (Scott & Jen's 2nd girl), Taylor (Dawn's 2nd girl). Hmmm, how funny...and they are all seconds. funnnnn-y stuff. Piper (Beck's 1st), Laynee (Dawn's 1st), Natalee (Scott's first), Levi (my 3rd boy)
Melanie, Will, Ethan (all mine, baby)

All of my Gram T's grandkids, minus Andy, so we had Ethan stand in for him. 

fun in the hotel cafe...good times. good. times.

Ethan with Laynee. 

Evie and Taylor. stacking booster seats.


Hello and happy Wednesday evening.
Aren't you glad that I finally got these cousins pix up? I know I am.
These pix are from July 16, 2011. So thankful for my Michigan family. They drove down to celebrate Jack's life with us. Eventually, I'd like to post my cousin Scott's letter to Jack on here. But for now, it's tucked safely in JOY's green scrapbook. Thank you, guys. David and I truly appreciate the efforts that were made to be here. I love you all.
Tomorrow is a busy day so I'm outta here...

Finding JOY in the Unexpected...

I got this necklace from my friend, Ewa (pronounced Eh-vah), who is from Poland. She goes to Calvary Chapel with us. Her husband, Jason, is our worship leader. He played guitar at Jack's Celebration. They have 3 beautiful homeschooled kids. I love them. She presented me with this beauty on Sunday.

She was a little worried because it is a necklace that she's worn faithfully for a few years now. She thought I'd think it was weird to give me a "hand-me-down". Oh Contrar (how DO you spell that??)...I was speechless. Still kinda am. Thank you, so much, Ewa. I just love it.

I get a welling in my gut when I think on Jack's initials, the attribute that we prayed God would bring us with Jack's life. And all the kind things people do for us to show us they too are seeking JOY and remembering how special it is to have JOY and just how important Jack's life was.

I stand in awe.

School pictures, take ONE

Will, 16, but not for long. Pray for this boy, he's been pretty sick lately.

Ethan, 15 for another six months or less. I think his cold is letting up but he's been pretty sick too.

Melanie, 13 since end o' May. 

Levi, who is 8 till Halloween, and more than slightly cheesy. :)

And then there's Molly, who wears FOUR with pride.
Tom took a pic of each of the kids with their hands on their hips, looking off into the distance. The wind swirled around Moo's head and I was afraid we wouldn't get her to hold still long enough. Alas, my fears were unfounded when Tom was able to catch this beauty.  Her hair swooshed out of her face just in time...He got it blown up into a 16x20 for me. hilarious.


Hi.
I wanted to get these school pix on here but never fear, I have not forgotten that I posted a pic of my kids with cousins, cousins and more cousins last week or the week before. I have been meaning to blog the pix we took when my Michigan relatives were here in July for Jack's Celebration.

Life is a whirlwind right now.

I never seem to be able to complete any one thing.
I've been unusually weepy, always on the verge of tears. I guess that's ok, but I just pray that the ache and pain of Jack's loss subsides a bit more.

I'm a little angry. yesterday and today. He was so close. He was so perfect and beautiful and BIG! He put a knot in his cord, probably months ago, when he was a tiny little thing. I'm just really sad about that. How could I have known? Jack was awesome. I can't wait to hold him in Heaven and tell him how much I love him.

but I think he knows.


Have a nice, hot September Tuesday. 

A title would be nice here...

Jack pillow.

a precious wall hanging.

my new journal. How many of you journal regularly? I know I do.
I have, almost regularly, since David and I got married. It's fun to read thru the ones from 1994, when my handwriting was still pretty nice. Then kids came along and it went down hill. :)
If you don't journal, you should start now. I know my kids will appreciate reading thru them when I'm gone.
Just keepin' it real.

Good Saturday morning!
I'm going to grumble for just a minute.
I love fall, autumn, chilly days.
and even some clouds now and again.
But seven straight days of it?

ok, I'm done now.

I will choose JOY in the midst of it.

I am very frustrated. At this time last year, we had been praying that the Lord would close or open the door on one last baby for our family.
He obviously sorta opened it.
And then closed it.
it is hard to come to grips with a chapter of one's life closing.
(I can't believe I'm not taking care of Jack...what I'd give to snuggle him, smell his amazing head and breath...ahhhhhh)

This is where I find my identity and have for almost the last 17 years, since Will arrived on the scene. I know, essentially, that being a mother is just ONE of my roles.

When you live and breathe babies, kids, tweens, teens for so long, I guess it's not hard to do that. (find identity there, that is)

I am still mom to Will Franklin, Ethan James, Melanie Kate, Levi Taylor, Molly Christine, and sweet angel Jack Oliver. Always will be.

What will become of me when they all go and get their own lives? I hope they will include me and David. I want to be a loving, Godly grandparent.

I wonder if I should go to college? What would I even go to college for? I'm really good at bum wiping, nose wiping, fight breaking up, facebooking, blogging, laundry, scrapbooking but I don't know that there is a degree for those mad "skills" ya know?

so that is where I'm at today...in between thoughts of cleaning, sweet Jack, sick kids, what should I do? I think the Lord might be taking me to the "next level".

Whatever that may be.


Let me leave you with this, as a friend on Facebook so creatively shared with me...
Just A Child of the King.
Jack's name makes an amazing acronym!

Let's not forget that that is our best role and most eternal.
God bless you today.

Little bits of here and there...

My friend, Jamie, from Illinois, sent me this card. Her sweet little baby, Sully, is also in Heaven. Hugs to you today, my hurting friend. I will get to meet her in person, in a few weeks. She knew David when he was a lad.
I think I will have to visit the listed website to find out about this sculpture. www.themidnightorange.com



Livin' the JOY-filled life. hmmm.
It's really kinda fun to fumble my way around each day, in the name of JOY. Please help me, O Lord!


Jack would be 10 weeks old today (yesterday actually). He'd be smiling at us, maybe sleeping thru the night, and looking beautiful in red, just as all of my babies have. I had gotten him a cute little shirt with 3 tiny trucks across the chest. It's red. I couldn't wait to see him in it, though I think I knew when I bought it, that I never would. It sits, in one of many piles of adorable duds, in the changing table that has become a gathering table of sorts. The Darth Vader, "Let's Carve Pumpkins" shirt will go into a box for Will or Ethan's sons. I miss you, sweet angel boy.

I know years from now, I will look back on this strangely horrifying time and see God's hand. I can even see it now, in little everyday moments. But I can't see the big picture. I know He's working, chipping away at my old self. ouch.

I just don't feel ok. I steer clear of babies. I struggle with pregnant women. I am really surprised at how much that affects me. I asked my midwife if that was normal. yes. it's only been two months. an eternity and not.

too fresh. maybe when my arms don't ache so badly.
Maybe when replaying June 30, 2011 doesn't invade every hour of my day.
Until then, I forge ahead.

Ok, now that I got that outta my system, here's a little update:
1.)  Dealing with insurance (such a scam) to get Jack enrolled, so we can cover the bills that are starting to trickle in. We have to appeal a 30-day time period, that we missed in the fog of July, to record his birth/death to Healthscope. How do you call your insurance company and tell them to please put your baby on your plan, even though he didn't make it? always makes for awkward transactions.
2.)  Remind me to tell you about the gas line in our front yard.
3.) The kids are doing so well with their school, at home and at their various places of instruction. White River Home Educators for all 5 and Southside Christian Homeschool Academy for Science for the three oldest, World Lit and Comp for Will and E. Mondays and Thursdays are crazy days. crazy crazy. Someday, when all the driving and here and there is over, you can remind me that I miss it.

Mel and I took an early morning walk. I need to get on the tready to finish up my mileage but I will be back later with some pix that Tom took of the kids downtown, Labor Day.
Chow.

addendum: wow. I'm all over the place. this is a good reminder though. I have never ever felt so scatterbrained in my life. I thought I was bad before grief. sheesh.

Biking in the Culdy

burning some energy in Becky's nearby cul-de-sac. good times.

Nora was just down right hilarious on her bike...as her bike would be falling after trying to maneuver curbs, she'd stay upright. and notice her zebra butterfly wings. sweet girl.

Molly. speedy.

Piper, so talented, that she can ride her sassy Barbie bike whilst scratching her tootsies.

Melanie loves her Electra.

Levi, finally getting biking. We delayed on this with him and now it's somewhat tricky for this big, nearly 9 year old boy to maneuver. Gooo LEVI!

Thanks to my cousin, Kara, who is an amazing Pinterest, Etsy, and general scout for all things cool and crafty, I will now implement JOY into every season. Not only a good reminder of a beautiful Christ-like characteristic but of a beautiful boy who was just too precious to walk this dusty ol' earth.

I miss you, Jack.

So, anyways...not much going on here except for some amazingly cool temperatures (I love you, Fall), busy schedules (holy cow, when am I supposed to breathe?), and just general struggling to keep my head above saddened waters, all is well. I talked to my incredible midwife today. I love you, Mary Helen. Thank you for thinking of me, my family and sweet little JOY boy. I hope you get your JOYful birth any day now.

I met with my friend, Christine, at Starbucks, where she had a nice display of JOY and butterfly treasures awaiting me. Today is also 1.) Stillborn, Miscarriage, SIDS awareness day, and 2.) Pumpkin Spice release date at the 'bucks. not that the two are related but....

when one is trying to make it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, finding JOY in the little things takes on a whole new meaning. ya know?

I do not take lightly the kind things that people, all of you, you know who you are...have done for me and for my family. I really could cry, and have, just recalling the kindnesses shown, the care given, the prayers lifted and the tears shed on our behalf.

Gosh. Thank You, Lord, for showing Yourself in Your people.

On a side note: we went downtown to visit Victory, the statute that sits atop the Soldiers and Sailors monument on the circle...I hope to "lift", borrow, use some of Tom's pix on here very soon.

I'm a scatterbrained ninny. Good night and God bless you.

P.S.  Shellee, I do hope that when you are in town, you will give me shout out so we can meet up and hug and for me to meet Grace. but be warned. I will cry.

Ok. nighty. for reals.

cousins...

more on this later....just wanted to say HI!

faces of loss, faces of HOPE

I submitted my abbreviated story to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope last week and they put it up yesterday....

facesofloss.com

no, it's not faces o' floss, as it looks...haha.

Click the link above and scroll down a few ladies...I'm there. I guess if I'd realized they'd actually post my story, I would've maybe gotten more detailed or put some Scripture with it but all in all, I'm so glad it's there. Check it out!!

I put my miscarriage that happened in 2006 on there because honestly, when I get to heaven and meet the kid (see the book "Heaven is for Real"), I didn't want him/her to be mad that I didn't count him. We named him because that made him seem more real. Which he was, but I lost him at 12 weeks. He counted...he was real. Plus, having that miscarriage, as I wrote, really did help me to cherish my pregnancy with Molly so very much.

On to a busy Thursday...tally ho!