seventeen

I can find you anywhere, sweetie

perfection, if not slightly bruised from his fast exit.

I can't believe that our sweet cherub left us 17 Thursdays ago.

it just does 

not

seem possible that the baby I grew with fresh salsa, boiled eggs, salmon

and other good foods

is not here with us.

he actually tied a knot in his lifeline but kept himself alive till the very end

when the process that brought him out

cut off his blood supply 

and he faded from this life

into life eternal, glorious

surrounded by angels

loved ones

Jesus Christ

and God the Father

On this gloomy, rainy Thursday, that is at the head of a crazy busy weekend,

I will choose JOY and cling to the promise of that eternal life

and the fact that I know where my sweet boy is

Safe in the arms of Jesus

I love you, sweet Jack Oliver.

I will never be the same.

YOU have impacted so many people's lives.

darling

staircase gallery

eventually, I'd like to have artwork all around the cubby that encases our staircase. Starting now, from the left, next to the red chimney flue, is Melanie's beautiful Van Gogh-inspired flower pot...next, Levi's acrylic painting of our house. 3rd, my rendition of Van Gogh's sunflowers and 4th, Levi got all geometric on us...You can't see Molly's painting, which is to the right of Levi's geo painting...I have more to put up but this will do for now. A lovely use of odd space, I do believe.

Hi.

How are you?

doing well, I do hope.

I've inserted a picture of our new staircase art gallery.

I am really trying to implement art, to some degree, in the kids' school this year.

Mel, Levi, Molly and I did some oil pastels and chalk art last week. I actually think I like it.

Molly did ok, considering her age...but got all moody and temperamental when I helped her or told her she couldn't use one of the art tools. geez.

Anyways, hope you enjoy.

I'm outta here.

choose JOY.

Friends from far away and memorials

Becky with sweet Grace

Soooo great to see you after all these years, Shellee. Such a comfort and encouragement you've been to me, even from across the globe. Please pray for this dear one and her sweet baby girl, Grace, who is pictured above with my sister...as they fly back to Japan next week.

I didn't expect to see this today but what a ?pleasant? surprise. as far as surprises go...and all. I mean, I'm still pretty surprised that my baby isn't here. the ultimate surprise.

Today was a wonderful day...I woke up early (for me) and headed to Sbux to meet Shellee, Grace (her first daughter after 8 strapping, handsome young men), Denise, her beautiful kids, Levi and Ema. The effort that was made for that meeting was not of this world. Shellee, you may not read this for a time but seeing you was just amazing, such comfort and joy to me to get to see you after all these years. So glad to get to hug you and meet your beautiful baby girl! Denise, thank you so much for facilitating the get together....you two have been such a blessing to me anyways, but in the past few months, since Jack left, your encouraging words and prayers have held me up. God is good. all the time. We will be praying for safety for you and Grace as you head back to your men.

I was out running errands and thought, "Hmmm, since it is such a lovely day and it's been so poopy outside all week, I shall go visit Jack's grave." As I walked up the hill to his site, tears hit, as they do...and then it hit me...his stone and bronze plaque are here!! After a few moments of tears and prayers, I cleaned up his spot and headed to the Forest Lawn office to retrieve his temporary marker. I was so excited to get to put it in JOY's garden.

They can't find it.

what?

Jay, the guy that helped us on that July 1 day...told me he'd order a replacement. Somehow that didn't console me like it maybe should have. He said he'd look thru the 200 stones in their garage and let me know but a new one is on order.

nothing like a punch in the gut, ya know? it's bad enough my little guy isn't here, could you at least make sure you hang onto our temporary for us? and hey, maybe even call us to tell us his official stone was in? yeah, no call.

I'm trying not to be peeved about this because in the whole scheme of my life, this is small.

it really just makes me chuckle.
because if I don't chuckle, I will cry again.

Thanks Mom, Dad, Jen, for coming down to sit with me Wed. night.
Thanks to all of my people, all around me, who find ways to pray, encourage, remember JOY, find things that say JOY on them and just plain ol' loving me and letting me talk about my sweet boy and the situation that has changed my life forever, and the lives of Jack's dad, and siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and relatives and friends.

I have soooo many thank you notes to write. I've gotten started and I just want all of the people that fed us, sent us remembrances etc in the past few months, to know just how much we love and appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I am still blown away.

praising God for the gift of people.

Happy Weekend to You!!

hello Thursday...

16 Thursdays ago...
Jack took off for Glory and left me with this mushy body and nothing to show for it.

Hello on this dreary, depressing, a lot like my mood kinda day, week.

David, Will and Ethan have been gone to Illinois since Monday. Should I expound on this?

I will say this...I realize who fills up my schedule the most. And I also realize who makes all the messes.

anyways........................

it has been a rough few days. I have absolutely NO get up and go.

I cry for no apparent reason. 

well, I mean, the reason is apparent to me...and I pray most folks understand that this is where I'm at right now.

I still know where Jack is.

but I still want him here. and I hear stories about other people, babies, whatever....

and I just feel mad.

Then God, the Holy Spirit, redirects me to that place where I know HE is in control and that He has a plan.

He will be glorified.

I will rest in that.

Hope is born of suffering.

Have a JOYFUL Thursday.

Jack

Oliver

Young

6.30.11

never forgotten

Henry Ford Museum...part I

I have a strange preoccupation with Abraham Lincoln and slaves. I am particularly drawn to really tall guys. David is not super tall but he's just right at 6 foot. Marshall Matt Dillon on Gunsmoke is particularly tall.

Ok, I'm not really sure what my point was in that...but looking at the Abe Lincoln displays at the Ford Museum just brought this preoccupation with tallness to the forefront of my warbly, cuckoo mind.

I think Abraham Lincoln was pretty cool. I like that he was in office when slavery was abolished.

There is no connection to anything I'm blogging tonight. I just wanted to start getting my MI pics up on here and will caption them at a later date, for Melanie and I are taking advantage of our girl time and we are beginning to Smash in our Smash books. What fun is this?? Molly just diarrhea-ed in her Pull-Up, after bouncing from the chair to the couch and back again. I was really hoping she'd fall asleep a bit ago, but no. She'd obviously snuck some of my coffee. ack.

David and the big boys are in Illinois till Thursday.
Levi is at Aunt Sherry and Uncle John's for the night...Mel and I got a good work out in at the YMCA. I have absolutely no motivation, whatsoever, to do anything out of the ordinary. Heck, even ordinary things seem to be too much for me right now. I'm not sure what's going on...if this is the stage of grief that I'm in...I am at a complete loss. Life is beautiful...Bring the Rain...look up the lyrics to that MercyMe song...it's playing on my playlist to the right...a beautiful song. perfect. especially today with this chilly rain.

fits my mood to a T.

Off to Smash with my patient, loving 13 year old girl. Adios!

Miss you, Sweet Jack.

cute little nieces and a quick update

Nora Jean 4 years
sweet little munchkin

Piper Elizabeth 7 years
precious little lady


I always love school picture time. Ours is a little more hit or miss but not Gray Road Christian Schools! They are ON IT, man!!

I will try to be a good schoolmarm and get some "official", "for the record" kinds of pix of my offspring onto my beloved blog. I know you are just chomping at the bit for them.

David, Will and Ethan are heading over to his parents' house for 3 sleeps. Mel, Levi, Molly and I have great big plans: cover the pool, go to a scrappin' event at Tonya's, Levi gets to spend the night with Aunt Sherry and Uncle John, Zoo with Beck and the girls above, we may even fit some school in.

I will definitely aim to get one of my posts up that I mentioned last week. I am a force to be reckoned with right now, here, there, everywhere.

Happy Monday to YOU!

this boy turns 17

I can hardly believe it. At 7:34 p.m., Will greets 17.

I remember the day vividly.

It was actually a day very similar to this, weather-wise.

Happy Birthday, Will Franklin Young.

You are one of the finest!

15 Thursdays ago...

Miss you, Sweet Jack Oliver Young. 

Today is a busy day. 

I just wanted to drop in and say HI.

15 Thursdays ago.

Anyways, this weekend, October 15th, is National Babyloss Awareness Day.

I'm so glad my baby's not LOST.

I know right where he is.

In the Arms of his Savior.

I'm Jealous. :)

I really hope to get back on here later to blog our trip to MI and my amazing visit with a Saint of the Faith, Valetta Steel Crumley yesterday.

But tonight I'm joining the Y again and I could NOT be happier.

So "happy" Thursday.

Barb is awesome!

Barb, who has been our family friend (mom knew her from working at Fox Center) for over 20 years, was as gracious and hospitable as always. Thank you, sweet lady, for opening your lovely home to us, for all the amazing food, and for just plain being awesome!

I will be back to blog about our wonderful trip to MI later on...but I just wanted to make an appearance...I mean, I didn't want to make an appearance because after looking at any pix of me from the trip, it's a really good thing that Becky noticed the free joining fee flyer at the Y for the next week...YIKES!!

Yeah, I'm post-partum but usually having the baby here helps .... gives me a good excuse for some extra weight...

time's up.

Happy Wednesday Y'all...

there will be a day...

with no more sorrow,  no more tears...

today is not that day.

I went out early with David today. He had a work meeting and then an eye appointment...pupils dilated...looking weird he is! Our last stop, after coffee, was to the Marion County Health Dept. to pick up Jack's death certificate.

sounds "easy" right? went thru the motions, showed 'em my ID, waited for them call Jack's name...waaa...paid $15 for said document...

Walked out the door and......

bawled in the beautiful sunlight...that weird sobbing that I've become very accustomed to of late. from the depth of my being....Driving on highway 70, with tear soaked eyeballs, mascara running down my face, and a husband with spooky, dilated eyes..we were quite a pair.

I mean, I knew how he died...but seeing it on a notarized document was just too much. So final.

Cause of death A. Complications of birth with knot in cord

Cause of death B. Neonatal asphyxia with cord compression

Isn't that raw?

I will still lift my face to the heavens. I will still seek Your face...I don't understand this. Probably never will...but I trust in Jesus Christ. God the Father. This hurts. this sucks (pardon me) I can't believe it actually happened to us. I can't believe I held that little guy on my chest and he was gone. I grew him, he was perfect, he had all of his parts, whole...but in the end, the very thing that was his lifeline, took his life...natural causes the certificate says. Yup, it's true. man.

Ok, well, I need to go...Beck and I are going to visit Jack's grave together and pray tonight. I am truly honored to have her in my life. even if I am the original funny (to blog about this another day).

Upcoming blog posts I need to remember:

Meeting with Valetta Steel Crumley on Wed Oct 12
Becky and how she gets all of her jokes/material from me
Our trip to MI

...I will still lift my face to the heavens...

One of my all time faves. My brother's camera is magical. 10/16/10

Do you ever hear a song that you've listened to over and over and over and over and over again and then you hear it again, for like the bajillionth time and it has whole new meaning or you hear something you hadn't noticed before or you appreciate it like you never have?

I did that today with a Jars of Clay song that is in my Jack Oliver Young playlist on my iPod. It's called The Valley Song. (I had it on my blog playlist over there but it's gone now). I clicked on it, listened and the floodgates opened as Mel and I walked today. It's hard to walk and close your eyes.  my exercise time always makes me cry...and not just because it's hard to make yourself do something challenging like that and I'm uber lazy and kinda resentful right now. (I'm not at the point in my post-partum exercise journey where I LOVE, using that term lightly,  to run or look forward to the rush of endorphins...it will come, just not yet). I am "resentful" because I keep thinking, "I gained all that weight, went thru alllll of that, and I don't even have a sweet baby boy back home, waiting for me to get done exercising!!" 

If you can find it, you should...it's my new anthem. The words will stop you in your tracks. The chorus goes "I will sing of Your mercy that leads me thru valleys of sorrow to rivers of JOY....." each verse is just incredible, astounding, and deep for anyone who calls on the name of Jesus Christ. 

~This picture has nothing more to do with tonight's post than the simple fact that it was taken the day I found out, took my little test, that I was expecting. And another simple fact...it's just an awesome pic that makes me smile and so glad that God put this little whirling dervish into my life, into our lives. She is beautiful. I look at her and I can see what Jack would've been like...without the insane love of princess movies, boa's, clicky shoes and dress up...I think he would've been mischievous but non-dramatic. I also think he would have had her light blue eyes and smattering of freckles.

Let me leave you with this...and lemme tell you, I'm chock full o' goodies but I will limit myself:

In church yesterday, Randy was preaching from the book of Jude...and somewhere toward the middle to end of his message, he mentioned standing before God...and I had the coolest thought/vision/picture of me standing at His feet, with Jack in my arms. and all that crazy, light brown hair sticking straight up, while he smiles up at me and coos. I don't know how all of that goes, but for now, these images help me thru the days. 

Ok, one last thought...TORY??? where are you? 

Allright, good night. God bless you.

forgive this all over the place post. I am such a ding dong.

3 months is a long time but not really...

Jack Oliver Young
6.30.2011


A heart of gold stopped beating,

Two shining eyes at rest.

God broke our hearts to prove, 

He only takes the best.

God knows you had to leave me,

But you did not go alone.

For part of me went with you,

The day He took you home.

(I saw this poem on Maddie's blog, over to the right)

It's been three months, right now. 

I can scarcely believe it.

I've had some good cries today.

Now I'm going to go take a walk, and cry some more.

If we learn nothing else from this trial,

Come to Jesus and live.

Can't wait to see you again, sweet JackYoung the Brave.

Up

As Molly says, "Hello Jack Butterfly!"

Levi manning the back hoe

Burying Bilbo...our first lizard to perish. awww.

This is where Gracie is buried. We have a regular ol' Pet Sematary, folks.

cheeseball

glad to see the polar bear exhibit has an inhabitant

These five otters cracked me up. I told the kids they reminded me of them. They came running up to us and were squawking at me like my kids would.

I really do love giraffes. They are spectacular, amazing and serene.

Can you read this? On June 25 of this year, five days before Jack's birth/death, the gazelles at the Indy Zoo welcomed a baby girl, named Anuli, which is Nigerian for JOY...and she was sired by "Jack". 

Whatta life...oh to be a gross rhino.

Molly and Levi taking a break....

The new elephant baby, I forgot to check out the name. It/he/she was so cute, copying off of it's momma.

The boys, in cooking class, with Miss Kitty. Our new homeschool co-op, which isn't new, we just haven't been in it for 3 years, has been really great!

My Jack Oliver ring. It has his birthdate after his name...6.30.11

I'm in the midst of schooling Levi and Molly right now but wanted to get more pix on here...I will update this later. maybe.

Ok, so I'm here to update...


I still haven't gotten the few pix of this past weekend up on my comp. I'm a picture loser. 


ha ha.


It's funny how you become painfully aware of something when you've been thru something painful. E.G. you get cancer, you become aware of other cancer patients, run/walks related to that cancer, movies about cancer, etc. know what I mean?


It's the same with babyloss. Looking back, I realize just how much it had touched me before Jack. books I'd read, movies, stories I've heard, blogs I'd visited, etc.


I was just downstairs watching UP with Molly and Levi...it's such a great movie anyway. But I think the thing that makes it sooo amazing is it's realness. The beginning, when you see Carl and Ellie living their lives, is so beautiful. The music, the colors, the scenes...


WHAM!! there's the scene where they are laying on a blanket, looking up at the clouds. The clouds turn into babies. They paint the nursery and dream about babies.


KA-POW! you see Carl and Ellie sitting in a doctor's office...she's bent over crying. 


It's funny that I'm relating to a cartoon character today. Not that I've never known the JOY of having a baby...because I have. I don't mean to be insensitive or "poor me"...


But it always "seemed" to come so easy.


It's not. It's fragile {life, that is}. God is chiseling away at me and it hurts.


I was emptying old photo albums today. I found one from when David and I were first married...and I had stuck a pic in the back of me, sitting on the floor immediately after Will was born. 


It made me cry.


Watch out, blog faithfuls...we are coming up on October and I'm usually weepy this month anyways...not considering just how poignant this month is in my life, and how much more it is now.


Hope your Wednesday has continued to be nothing short of JOYFUL. 


Savor each moment...it's hard, isn't it?