I've been mulling over certain blog posts for well, about a month now...since I last blogged. (what's my DEAL???)
I get so overwhelmed because I have so much I wanna say but so much of it, I shouldn't, can't or won't. So it's hard to process what I should post here....
This month marks the three year anniversary of our sweet boy's birth and death. Still so surreal/painful/amazing to even have to say that.
This much is true...I can honestly look back on the past three wonderful/tear soaked years and thank the Lord Jesus Christ for all the ways in which He's made Himself so very real to me. I do believe I believed in Him, His power and all of that great stuff before Jack but it wasn't until going through this intense loss that I truly found out how to cling to Him. To give Him each day. They aren't mine to keep and I now know this.
I look back and see who has left my life and who has entered. People that I never in a million years thought would leave, left. People I never would've thought of as friends, have become so. I will also say this here....
You can go to my Facebook profile, see the nearly 500 friends, and know that I'm close to probably 5 of them, if even 5...(besides my family). I'm at the point in my life where I will probably keep family and closer friends on my list...not even acquaintances anymore. People I never talk to or that interact with me...I post personal, transparent things about our lives and I need to be more careful about who I let see that stuff on a daily basis. I know it annoys certain people that I post stuff about Jack, about Jesus and ya know, I just don't really care anymore. That is my life....I am a wife, a mom, a crafter, a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. I don't care about stupid politics, I don't care about Hollywood, all I care about is learning how to live my life HERE the way that HE (God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit) would like me to....HE is the friend that sticks closer than a brother.
I am also finding that in this stage of my life (I'm 41 now), I don't have a lot of time or energy to invest in deep friendships...as much as I want to or should. I'm in the wilderness on that right now. When my closest non-biological friend left our friendship two years ago, I started taking inventory on this aspect of my life. I want to be a good friend. I actually really desire that...but I'm not the same kind of friend I used to be (and this is mostly GOOD) but I'm also not patient right now, can't handle people feeling sorry for me or being too affected, and God is dealing with me on this. I am recovering...I am being dealt with graciously by my loved ones and by my Heavenly Father. I will grieve and carry my deceased, missing from our family pictures son for the very rest of my life.
My life is consumed by family/house/business stuff right now. If you are my friend, you will understand that and love me. I can't plan things and necessarily be at events as much as I'd been or want to. My focus is here, with Will, Ethan...who both graduate this spring and they are both remarkable young men, in so many ways. Melanie, who needs to learn how to be a wife, mother, friend and daughter, someone to tell her she can't do everything (so sociable) with Levi who needs me in so many ways, that it overwhelms me and I love it, with Molly, who needs me to just to keep her safe because, man, she is a whirlwind, and I love that too. For David, who needs a wife to honor, respect and love him, to give him a place of refuge from the wild and wooly world he faces every single day.
I need to be a better sister to Beck, Tom and Andy and David's slew of sibs. Aunt to all those nieces and nephews, daughter to Jim Joan Carl Judy....man, typing this all out just boggles my mind. So many people I share blood with.
I'm in a wilderness. I'd appreciate your prayers. All is well....I've enjoyed being at home this week with just E and Levi and Moo. Mel is counseling at middle school camp with our church. Will is in Fort Wayne with his dad. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I am.
I can honestly say that because of Jack, I am a different person. not necessarily better, yet, but different.
I "made the mistake"of looking through his pic album on Facebook today and I just sat and wept. It felt good. I miss him so much, it hurts sometimes. most times. Tears are so good.
God is too...I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father for all the trials and blessings He takes us through. He is always there and has never left or forsaken me.
so thanks for letting me get this first installment off of my chest, out of my head....there is so much more where this came from. haha.
I need to sort it all out and pray that it makes sense.
Some prayer requests:
Monica, my dear friend, the girl I made all those wedding cornucopia favors for nearly two years ago, guest book attendant at our wedding 20+ years ago, and her hubby, Todd, welcomed their son, Wayne on 5/24...he was delivered by emergency c-section due to lowered heart rate, found out he breathed in meconium, punctured his precious baby lung and finally, yesterday, got his chest tube out so his momma and daddy could hold him. Please lift this dear family in prayer.
My dear friend, Shellee (Hi Shellee) and her family, missionaries in Japan...expecting their 11th babe (am I right, SW?) and found out that she has thyroid cancer...please please please pray for them...they were supposed to be home on furlough this summer but will postpone till after baby W #11 arrives. We are praying for you and love you from across the globe.
So many (so. many) hurting and lost people. I don't know if it's getting worse or if my newly acquired goggles have me seeing things in different/new light...but it's a lot to take and it's hard not to let it completely overtake you.
Gotta go mow the lawn...hope this finds you well.
